Chapter 12: Truth and Consequences, Part II

July-August 1980, Milford, Ohio

On Sunday morning, Stephanie and I swam and ate breakfast before she went to church with mom. I had thought about going to church, but really had no interest in doing so. I suspected Mom would have had quite a bit to say about me going to church given my ‘sinful, immoral, and deviant’ lifestyle. It really wasn’t worth the trouble for something I didn’t think was all that important.

I made my usual weekly call to Karin and had a nice chat with her. We couldn’t get too deep into anything because of the limited time, but our letters made up for it. I did enjoy being able to speak Swedish on a regular basis as well, because it would help me retain my language skills.

Beth arrived after lunch and we went to my room to work on the computers. Our first task was to ensure everything was ready for the start of school and running the computer dating system. Beth now had eight schools lined-up and two more possibilities. I thought ten was probably the maximum we could do, given our other commitments, and we had to make sure that they were scheduled so that we weren’t trying to do more than one at a time.

After finishing that, I decided to talk to her about us, before we got into discussing the business.

“Some things have happened since Sunday that I need to talk to you about,” I said. “Jennifer and I resolved our issues and even though she’s going to Seattle, she and I think we have a future together.”

“That’s a good thing. But if I understand your relationship, that doesn’t change anything with us,” she answered.

“I also did some soul-searching and I’m putting my rule back in place about not fooling around with someone in a committed relationship.”

“That’s not fair!” she whined. “I got back together with Brent after you promised we could still screw occasionally!”

“I can’t do it. I realized why I had the rule in place when I had a fight with Melanie and Pete. Brent is my friend and I can’t do that to him.”

She pouted, “Then I’ll just break it off with him again.”

“No, you won’t!” I said firmly. “I want to keep our relationship just about business. It’ll make things much easier in the long run.”

“And what about what I want?”

“You and I are never going to be a couple. It’s never been anything but just screwing for us. You can be with Brent and we can run our business together. It’s the right thing to do, Beth.”

“That sucks,” she said sadly, “I like having sex with you! You can really make me cum hard! I don’t know why you can’t just forget the rule for me. I’m not going to say anything!”

“I can’t do that, especially because of Brent, but what if things go badly for some reason? We might wreck our business, and I really don’t want that to happen. I want the money so I can go to college without having to rely on my parents and you need the money to go to college, period.”

“I know, but sex with you is so awesome. I don’t want to give it up!”

“I told you to work with Brent on that! Just take the lead and tell him what you need. If his stamina isn’t as good, then just do it more often. He’s a teenage guy, and I’m sure he recovers quickly! Stay with him.”

“Would you do it with me one more time? Please?”

“No. It needs to be over. From this point on, it needs to be all business between us.”

She didn’t say anything for a few minutes, then stood up and went to use the bathroom. When she came back, she stood with her arms crossed and looked at me.

“I don’t like it, but I guess I have to agree with you. We’ve been really successful with the computer dating and with Doctor Grossi’s programs. I like your plans for selling the programs to other veterinarians. Now stop lollygagging and let’s get to work!”

I was pleased that she had fairly quickly come to the conclusion that our business was more important than sex. Time would tell if she could stick to it, or if she’d get that itch again. I’d just have to be careful not to give her any indication of interest at all.

The rest of the day was busy with figuring out how to change the programs so that we could use variables for the name of the office, the doctor, and the staff, and store all of those in a file on floppy disk so that we didn’t have to have a different version of the program for each office.

We made some good progress and early in the evening laid out the plans for getting the data entered. Most of our friends who had helped the first time had graduated or were gone. Beth said that she had some friends she had made at school and that they helped last year and would probably help this year.

When Beth left around 9:00pm she went to kiss me, realized that she shouldn’t and just hugged me. That was a good sign. I told her that we’d miss next Sunday, so I could be with Jennifer and then August 17th because I’d be in Boulder visiting Katt.

It dawned on me during the conversation with Beth that the lunch table was going to be a little different this year. Jennifer, Melanie, Janet, and Sarah would all be gone. Mary, Bethany, Brent, Beth, Larry, and Ralph would still be there. Larry had mentioned in one of his letters that Kellie had started sitting with the group because she had moved up to the High School. I wasn’t thrilled by that, but I would be nice to her. I expected Erin to join us, and possibly Cindy as well.

I called Jennifer to let her know that I’d made the clean break with Beth and that our business partnership was still good. She asked if it was OK to come over for a few hours and I told her yes. She arrived less than ten minutes later and we sat cuddled in my beanbag chair for a couple of hours, just talking and being together. She left around 11:00pm and wished me luck with my conversation with Bethany.

On Monday morning I was up early to swim and eat, then went to see Doctor Mercer. This visit was far more productive, and I told her I felt the issues were pretty much all related to my mom. Yes, I was upset that Jennifer was leaving, but we had managed a year apart already and we’d find a way to manage another one.

We talked at length about the issues with my mom and how well I had done living in Sweden and having much more freedom than most teenagers in the US had. Doctor Mercer was sympathetic, but pointed out that I was living in my parents’ house and needed to follow their rules. In the end, we agreed to meet once a week to work on my mood swings and tendency towards overreacting to things. We set a regular time for Wednesdays at 9:00am, but I let her know I’d miss the appointment on the 13th because I’d be in driving school. She noted that in her appointment book, and I left and headed home.

At 11:00am I got on my bike and pedaled over to Bethany’s house. I was dreading this conversation because I knew what she wanted was something I couldn’t provide. I hoped she’d be a good friend when we were done talking, but I had no idea how she would react to everything I had to tell her.

“Hi, Steve!” she said, taking my hand and leading me to the stairs.

“Bethany, wait! I want to talk to you first.”

“Can’t we talk afterwards?”

“It’s better if we talk first, OK?”

She had a concerned look on her face but led me to the family room where we sat on the couch.

“I need to tell you that Jennifer and I had a really long talk and worked out our issues. Of course, she’s still moving, but we’re planning to go to college in the same city, if not go to the same college.”

Her face fell, and I saw tears forming in her eyes.

“I guess that means I don’t have a chance with you, doesn’t it?” she said, with a tear rolling down her cheek.

“It’s complicated. I need to tell you more about my time in Sweden and about what I’ve done since I came home. Let’s eat while we talk, OK?”

She quickly made our lunches, and we sat down at the table to eat. I told her about Pia, Katt, and Sofia, about the disaster with Annie, and about my other friends. I told her about Karin and how she helped me come to terms with Birgit’s death, though I left out the sex part of that story.

I paused for a bit to eat my lunch, then began again. I told her about my shock at finding out about Jennifer leaving and my reaction to it, about my fight with Stephanie, and my eventual reconciliation with Jennifer. I also told her about Elyse. She sat quietly and listened to everything I had to say.

“So, what does that mean for us?” Bethany asked.

“I don’t want to mislead you. Unless something dramatic happens, Jennifer and I will be together again next year. In a few weeks, I’m going to visit Katt, and in a couple of years I’m going to Sweden and I’ll probably see the girls I mentioned again. And Elyse and I are exploring our relationship.”

“Why does Elyse get to do that with you and not me?”

“Because I don’t think I can give what you want in the long run. You want a steady, committed, exclusive boyfriend and I can’t do that. Jennifer can accept that, but I know you well enough to know that you can’t. I know you have feelings for me, but I don’t have the same feelings for you. It’s not that I don’t love you, but I don’t love you like you love me, Bethany.

“I really like being with you, and honestly, there are times when I wish I was different and could be with you. But I know myself well enough that I know I’d hurt you, badly, at some point. I’d love to have you as a friend. In fact, I think you could be my best friend. That’s the best way for us to be together.

“To be honest, I don’t know how Elyse will deal with me and my issues. The only girls that I’ve found who seem to be able to handle it are Jennifer and Pia, and even Pia had issues with how I am. You know my past, Bethany, you know what I’ve done. I don’t think a guy like me is right for you.”

She was sobbing softly, “I do love you, Steve! I want to be with you. I want to make love with you.”

“I know Bethany. You’ve wanted that from the time you asked me to the dance. I care deeply for you, but in the end, I’m not the right guy for you.”

“Shouldn’t that be my decision?”

“Yes, it should. But you need to be honest with yourself about what you really want and who I am and what I can provide.”

“Would you make love to me?” she asked softly.

“I think that’s a bad idea. I’m afraid that you’ll cling to the idea that something might develop between us, and I just don’t see that happening. Eventually, you’ll ask me to commit to you and I won’t be able to, and it’ll break your heart.”

“You’re doing that now!” she sobbed.

“I know, but it’s better now than for me to lead you on.”

“Does this mean you’ll never, ever have sex with me again?”

That was a tougher question. Never was a long time, but I also didn’t want to hold out false hope.

“It’s probably best if that’s the case. As I said, I don’t want to lead you on. I want to be your friend. We’ll spend time together, talk a lot, and help each other. We both need that from each other and we’ve done that before. I hope you’ll be my friend.”

She sat quietly for a few minutes, composing herself.

“Yes, I’ll be your friend. I wish it could be different, but you’ve always been a good friend and always told me the truth. Would you hug me, please?”

We got up, and we hugged, our bodies pressing into each other.

“That feels really good.”

“We can hug as much as you like, but that’s pretty much the limit.”

“Is it OK to kiss you?”

“So long as it’s a friendly kiss, yes.”

She kissed me softly and briefly on the lips.

“Best friends, Bethany?”

“Best friends, Steve.”

I hugged her again and headed home. Jennifer picked me up as planned and I filled her in on what had happened with Bethany. We had dinner with her parents and spent the evening cuddling and talking on the couch in the basement.

On Tuesday, I made the trip to Erin’s house for lunch. As she had the previous time, she had lunch ready, and we sat down to eat. Once we had finished, I told her we should talk before we did anything else.

“Sure! What do you want to talk about?”

“Us, Erin. I need to tell you that Jennifer and I worked out our issues and even though she’s moving, I can’t have you for a steady girlfriend.”

“That sucks. That really sucks. I thought you told me we could date.”

“I did. You made the point that I would like having you as a girlfriend and I have to be honest with you; that isn’t going to happen. Once Jennifer and I graduate, we’re going to apply to schools in the same city and more than likely we’ll live together if we can. It wouldn’t be fair to you to mislead you into thinking that things might go the way you want.”

She sat quietly for a few minutes, but she didn’t look angry, nor did I see any tears forming.

“I got ahead of myself,, “ she said. “When I found out Jennifer was leaving, I thought I could just step in and take her place. That was a mistake. I moved way too quickly and I shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s partly my fault too,” I said. “I told you that Jennifer and I were basically through. I’m sorry about that.”

“Can we go back to how it was before? No commitments? I really would like you to take me on a date. I’m not asking you to even think about a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. We could just have some fun together.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I don’t want to give you false hope or make you think something might happen between us.”

“I understand. You were very careful about that before. I made the mistake, not you. Will you take me on a date sometime? Please?”