Chapter 35: Karin, Part II

June/July 1980, Stockholm, Sweden

Karin looked confused for a moment. Then I saw understanding in her eyes. Then her eyes went wide in realization of the implication of what I had just said.

“But Steve, you can’t make love with your sister!”

“Karin, not only can I, I feel that I have to. I don’t think I have a choice. Until I do, I have no future.”

“Steve, listen to what you are saying! And what about her? What is she going to say?”

“She wants it,” I said. “She’s wanted it since she was seven. She’s thirteen now. I didn’t know about it until Melanie and Jennifer told me about it last year.”

“They knew? Did she tell them?”

“No. They figured it out. I was clueless until they told me that Stephanie planned to come to me to take her virginity when she was ready.”

“That makes no sense!” Karin objected. “You’re brother and sister!”

“Yes, we are. And for many years, we’ve provided each other emotional support, giving each other exactly what we needed. We have a perfect connection as well, though I was oblivious to that until a few months before I came to Sweden. As for passion, neither of us doubts that our joining will be the pinnacle of passion. Her phrase is that we’ll ‘fuck each other unconscious’ and I have no doubt in my mind that she’s right.”

“But you still haven’t addressed the issue I’m raising. It’s incest!”

“Yes, it is,” I agreed. “I’m not hiding or ignoring that fact. What I am doing is ignoring what society says about it. I just don’t care and neither does Stephanie. Melanie and Jennifer agree with me.”

“Why would Jennifer agree?”

“I haven’t told you the most important thing about her. Jennifer is to Stephanie what you were to Birgit. Just as you knew that I couldn’t be with you until I made love with Birgit one last time, so Jennifer knows that I can’t be with her, or anyone, actually, until I’ve made love with Stephanie. I realize that might not make sense to you, or anyone else, but Stephanie is the key to my future. Only though her can I finally be in a position to be with my life partner.”

“So if I want you, I have to accept this?”

“Yes,” I said. “It’s going to happen. I’m not expecting anyone to share me with her. Whatever happens, my physical relationship with Stephanie will end. It may end after that first time, or it may not. No matter what, it will end when she or I commit to someone else.”

“I ... I don’t know if I can accept that. I need some time to think about it.”

“I know,” I said. “I knew that you would need time. That’s OK, because I need time as well. I’m too young to make a lifetime commitment to you or anyone. Whatever we decide to do before I head back to the US has to be understood with that in mind.”

“So, what should we do now?”

“You tell me,” I said. “You’re the one that needs to think about what I’ve told you. I’ve had months to think about you and me, and more than a year to come to terms with my relationship with Stephanie.”

“Well, I don’t think my plan of making love all day is a good idea now.”

“I agree. It would be a mistake. I am ready to love you, as you, in your bed. But not until you are sure it’s still the right thing to do. I also need to be sure that you can accept me as I am and what I am able to offer you right now.”

“Let’s go to a park and get some fresh air,” she suggested.

“That’s a good idea,” I said.

We left the apartment and walked several blocks to a small park. Karin neither took my hand nor put her arm around me. I wasn’t surprised by that, because she was confused. I saw from her face that she was lost in thought, thinking about everything I had told her. We sat quietly on a bench for quite some time; I was unwilling to interrupt her thoughts until she was ready to speak.

“Let’s get some coffee at the café down the street,” Karin suggested.

I nodded my assent, and we walked several blocks and sat down at a table outside and ordered our coffee.

“I’m really confused,” Karin said quietly. “I love you so much and I want to be with you. I am sure that I belong with you and you belong with me. But this is almost too much for me to deal with. Why did you tell me? You could have kept it secret and just told me that you wanted to wait until you come back in two years. I would have waited for you, no questions asked!”

“If I have to keep secrets from you, how can we ever be soulmates? We have to have complete trust, openness, and honesty. There is no other way.”

She sighed, “You’re right. Keeping a secret like that could wreck anything we had if I found out afterwards.”

“Exactly. That’s why you had to know.”

“Is there any way to avoid it?”

“I don’t know. But it doesn’t matter. I love my sister so much that I can’t refuse what she wants. It just has to be this way.”

“If Stephanie changed her mind, though, then it wouldn’t happen?”

“Yes, but she’s not going to change her mind. That is one thing I am absolutely sure of. Sometime next Spring, she and I will consummate our love. After that, I can move on with my life, secure in the knowledge that I can know myself and know my soulmate.”

“And you’ll make the decision, then?”

“No. I don’t think it’s wise to make the final decision, at least until I’m in college, and probably a few years after that. Let me put it this way for you — you’re fourteen now. In five years when I graduate from college, you’ll be nineteen. Don’t you think that’s a more appropriate age to think about getting engaged? When I’m twenty-two and you’re nineteen? Or even maybe a year after that?”

“I told you I was ready to make that commitment and I’d wait until you were ready.”

“Birgit knew that we had to grow up before we could make that kind of permanent commitment to someone.”

“Are you telling me to go out and date and have sex? I don’t want to!”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying, though if that’s what you need to do to grow up, then you should. Birgit did date Jonas, after all.”

“You talk as if I’m a little girl!”

“Karin, you’re a young woman, but you have years to go before marriage, and much to learn about life, just as I had when I was fourteen. Just as I have now. I don’t want you to put your life on hold waiting for me when I can’t give you a commitment right now and I can’t be sure that I would ever be able to.”

“I won’t put my life on hold, just my sex life. I can wait for that. I wasn’t intending to have sex until I was much older, but events led us where they did. And even so, although technically I had sex with you, you and I never had sex as Steve and Karin.”

“That’s true. You gave me your virginity in every possible way, and yet you and I have not had sex. It’s very strange, but it’s true. To me, you, as Karin, are still a virgin, at least in spirit.”

“A virgin in spirit?”

“Yes. When you and I make love, it will be our first time. You know that as well as I do. You even said it yourself — next time is for us.”

“If there is an ‘us’,” she sighed. “If there is an ‘us’.”

“It’s that bad?”

“I’m afraid so. I’m not sure I can deal with this.”

“I’m sorry; I really am. I don’t know what else to say.”

“Let’s walk home, OK?”

We walked back to the apartment and Karin went to her room. I went to Birgit’s room and pulled out my book to read. All I could do at this point was wait. Wait for Karin.

Lars and Annika came home and found us in our rooms.

“Is everything OK?” Lars asked.

“I’m not sure,” I said. “Karin and I had a long talk today and we kind of hit an impasse. I don’t know if there’s a solution or not.”

“Well, if Annika and I can help, please let us know. I’m sure Annika and Karin will speak. Dinner will be in about an hour, OK?”

“Thanks,” I said.

I read until Annika called us to dinner. Karin came out of her room at the same time as I did and we went to the table. Dinner was fairly quiet. It seemed that the issue that Karin and I were dealing with had put a damper on everything. I felt bad about that, but I didn’t know of any way to avoid telling Karin about Stephanie. We finished dinner and Annika told us that she and Lars would clean up.

Karin and I went to the living room and sat on the loveseat.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I messed up the whole evening with my mood.”

“I dumped something really serious on you without any warning. It’s really not surprising that you were upset after I told you that.”

“I need to sleep on it, OK?” Karin asked. “I promise we can talk more in the morning.”

“Whatever you need,” I said.

“I need YOU. But I’m not sure I can have you.”

“I understand. Sleep on it, OK?”

“I will. I’m going to my room.”

“Good night.”

“Good night,” she said and went to her room.

I waited for Lars and Annika to finish the dishes.

“Where’s Karin?” Annika asked.

“She went to her room. She has a lot to think about and wants to be alone and sleep on it.”

“I’m so sorry,” Annika said. “I wish I could help. You two seemed so right together.”

“We are,” I said. “But there is an issue that Karin has to deal with before we can move forward. It’s my fault, really, because I dropped a real bomb on her, but it was something she needed to know.”

“I hope you two can work this out.”

“Me too,” I said. “Me too. I think I’ll go read and then sleep. Hopefully tomorrow things will be better.”

“I hope so, too. Good night,” Annika said.

“Good night, Steve,” Lars added.

I read for a couple of hours, wrote a few pages in my journal, then went to sleep.

I was surprised that I fell asleep so easily and slept soundly, waking early as usual. I got up and jogged and then came back for my shower and got dressed. I was happy to see Karin in the kitchen with Lars and Annika and very happy to see that she had set out my breakfast.

“Good morning!” she said.

“Good morning! Thanks for getting my breakfast for me.”

“You’re welcome!”

“Do you two have any plans for today?” Lars asked.

“Steve and I need to talk,” Karin answered.

“Good. That’s good,” Lars said.

I thought so too. If she was ready to talk, then hopefully we could find a way to move forward. When Lars and Annika left for work, Karin and I were alone and we went to sit on the loveseat.

“Steve, I need you to do something for me, something very important.”

“I’ll do anything you ask if it’s within my power.”

“Actually, no, you won’t. The one thing I want to ask, I know you would never do, so I won’t even ask.”

What she wanted me to do was change my mind about Stephanie, and she knew that wasn’t going to happen.

“OK. So what is it?”

“Kiss me the way you did at the train station in December. Just once.”

I stood up and took her hand and pulled her in to a tight embrace, our bodies pressed tightly together. I kissed her softly and her lips parted. Our tongues danced slowly for a minute or so and then I felt it, almost like a bomb exploding. The feeling in December was like a firecracker compared to this one, which was like an atomic blast. I broke the kiss and collapsed onto the loveseat.

“Oh my God,” she whispered.

“Yeah, I don’t think I have to explain the Connection to you now,” I said.

“No, no, you don’t.” she said softly.

We sat silently for a moment and I saw a tear roll down her face.

“What’s wrong?” I asked with trepidation.

“I’m confused,” she sighed. “Seriously confused. Can you excuse me for a moment, please?”

“Sure. Are you OK?”

She smiled, “Well, in one way, far more than OK! I need to change. My panties are completely soaked from just that kiss!”

She got up and went to her room, then went into the bathroom. A few minutes later, she came back to the couch.

“What you plan to do with your sister is wrong. I don’t approve. I can never approve.”

“Then I guess we’re done,” I said with deep sadness. “I knew when you asked before what you really wanted, and we both know I can’t do that.”

“You’re right about what I wanted to ask. But you’re wrong about us being done. There are things about you that I have to accept. One is that you can’t commit to me now. Another is that because of that, you’re going to have sex with other girls, probably lots of other girls. And, more importantly, there’s the fact that after tomorrow, I most likely won’t see you for two years.

“All of those are things I don’t like, but I still have to deal with. I guess the situation with Stephanie is another thing I don’t like, but have to deal with. I told you I don’t approve, and that’s true. But go do what you need to do. I don’t see any other possibility. I think we’re meant to be together. After that kiss, I’m even more sure about that. And not just because it made me wet, but because I felt your soul touch mine. Now I know what Birgit was talking about. Was it like that for you and Jennifer?”

“Not as intense. But I think that’s because of the whole Stephanie/Jennifer situation. Was that night in December as intense as that kiss?”

“Not even close. I didn’t feel you touch my soul that night. I can’t even imagine what it’s going to be like.”

“So where are we?”

“That depends on you, really. You can have me right now. You can take me to bed and love me. If that’s what you want.”

“It is,” I said. “It is. But I’m not sure it’s the right thing for us today.”

“Steve Adams, if you make me wait two years for that, I’ll hate you forever!”

“Really? I doubt that,” I chuckled.

“You’re right, of course!” she giggled.

“The question in my mind, of course, is what it will mean if we do make love. Is it a commitment? If so, we can’t do it, no matter how much we both want to. If it’s not a commitment, then what is it?”

“I don’t know the answer to that question. I only know what I want. But you have to want it, too, or it really doesn’t matter what I want. It has to be mutual, like when you talked about emotional support.”