Chapter 32: Farewells, Part III

June 1980, Hovås/Göteborg, Sweden

When I arrived home, I changed into my trunks and went into the sauna. I wasn’t surprised when Suzana came in a few minutes later. She had joined me as often as possible the past few weeks.

“I see you didn’t come home last night!” Suzana smirked.

“Yeah, I spent the night at Elizabeth’s.”

“I thought you guys were just friends. What happened?”

“We are just friends and we’ll always be friends. A few months ago, we realized we really wanted each other. We decided to wait until the last time we saw each other to decide if we’d actually go through with it.”

“So, you had sex with her just as a friend?”

“Yes. Isn’t that what you and I did? Just as friends?”

“I suppose that’s true, though there is kind of a naughty feeling because you’re kind of like a brother!”

“Suzana Jonsson! Are you saying you have feelings for one of your brothers?” I chuckled.

“No!” she said quickly and forcefully, almost angrily.

It seemed too fast, too quick, and far too vehement.

“Suzana, if you do, it’s OK. I’m not going to judge you. I’ll tell you a secret,” I said, looking straight into her eyes. “Stephanie and I have those feelings for each other.”

“Your sister?” she gasped. “And you?”

I felt I could only take things so far. Admitting the feelings was OK. Admitting that we planned to do it probably wasn’t.

“Yes. We have those feelings,” I said. “We both know it. Also, a friend of mine back home actually went through with it. She and her brother became lovers. I think that having the feelings is OK, perhaps even normal.”

She leaned back against the wall of the sauna, took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly.

“I have dreams about Peter,” she said softly.

“You mean about doing it with him?”

“Yes,” she said, almost in a whisper.

“And doing it with me is a substitute for doing it with him?”

She didn’t answer; she just closed her eyes and tilted her head down. For a few moments, only the hiss of steam rising from the rocks was heard.

“That doesn’t bother me,” I said. “I mean that. I totally understand it. That special girl back home, Jennifer, looks a lot like my sister and sometimes I see Stephanie in her when we do it. Jennifer knows and understands.”

“I was afraid to ever admit this to anyone. I can’t do it with him, but I do have those dreams.”

“All I can say about it is don’t let other people decide what’s right and wrong for you and Peter.”

She was silent again. I wondered if I could do for her something similar to what Karin had done for me. It wasn’t quite the same, but it might give her a chance to explore her fantasy safely.

“If you do sneak into my room, I’m OK with you leaving the lights off and calling me Peter.”

She gasped and turned bright red. The look in her eyes told me that she was seriously considering it.

We sat in silence for several minutes and then I told her I was going to jump in the pool and then shower. She said she’d do the same, so we jumped into the pool and splashed around for a bit, then we took turns showering. I went to my room to read and about ten minutes later, Suzana came to the door.

“Were you serious about what you said earlier?”

“Yes, I was.”

“Mom and Dad are going to a party tonight,” she said and walked away.

She was telling me not to go out. I didn’t have any plans to, so I would have been available, anyway.

Late in the afternoon, I decided to call Katt because I wouldn’t really have any other chance to talk to her until I returned from Abisko and Stockholm. I was surprised when she answered, assuming she’d be at the rink.

“I figured you would be skating,” I said.

“We skated at 6:00am this morning and we’ll be going back at 2:00pm. Those are our normal Saturday and Sunday skate sessions.”

“OK. I’ll get your full schedule once I get home, so I know when I can call you.”

“I miss you,” she said. “I miss sleeping in your arms.”

“I understand. I miss you, too.” I said, then paused to gather my thoughts. “I need to tell you something.”

“What?” she said, with a bit of apprehension in her voice.

“I took Lotta home as I promised Mikael I would, and she offered to have sex with me.”

“That little bitch!” Katt growled. “She’s trying to move in on my guy! I bet she’s upset that I took Mikael away from her and so she’s trying to take you away from me! She wants revenge!”

“I’d say that’s probably right,” I agreed. “She’s upset at you. She thinks Mikael is only doing this to make you happy because he’s in love with you and that you more or less dragged him to the US.”

“Of course he’s in love with me. But I’m not available to him, ever. What a little bitch! I don’t want Mikael for anything other than his skating ability. He’s good. We work well together. God damn her!”

“Relax,” I said. “I didn’t do it. I wasn’t planning on doing it.”

“You know what? Do it. Take her virginity. Fuck her brains out for hours and hours. Do it until she can’t walk or see straight. Make her beg for more. Then when you’re done, tell her I know about it and that I don’t give a damn about what she thinks. And that I know you’re mine. Mikael might be upset for a little while, but he won’t quit skating with me. So tell her ‘yes’ and then fuck her silly!”

“Katt, calm down!” I counseled strongly. “Isn’t that a bit of an overreaction? She seems like a nice girl. She’s young and her boyfriend just moved 8000 kilometers away!”

“Well, if she really wants to have sex with you, that’s her decision. It’s not my fault if she’s doing it for the wrong reasons. It serves her right!”

“What happened to the sweet girl who I used to spend time with?” I asked.

“That little bitch crossed me!”

“Katt, please relax!”

“I’m sorry. You’re right, I am pretty upset.”

“Just let it go for now, OK? Please don’t say anything to Mikael, either.”

“What are you going to do?”

I thought about it for a minute and decided I knew the right course of action.

“Nothing,” I said. “I’m not even going to call her. Let’s just let it go. I probably shouldn’t have told you.”

“It’s OK. I am really sorry I got so upset. Do it if you want, I won’t be upset either way because I know you’ll be with me sometime soon.”

“I hope so! I’ll know better when I get home. But I’m not going to call Lotta. It wouldn’t be right. I’ll call you when I get back from Abisko, OK?”

“Yes. I’ll talk to you then. I love you.”

“I love you too, Katt,” I said half-heartedly.

We hung up, and I thought more about Lotta. She really was desirable, and I suspected the sex would be out of this world, but I knew it was wrong. Lotta was trying to take revenge on Katt and using her virginity to do it. Despite my history with deflowering pretty much anyone who asked, this was one request I just couldn’t fulfill. It was far beyond the pale.

There were parallels to Annie in the situation — emotions leading a young girl to do something she would likely regret. I didn’t see Lotta doing it without some kind of feelings towards me, especially given we’d developed a bit of a friendship. But using those feelings against her to, in effect, steal her virginity, seemed to me to be an evil act. It wasn’t quite rape, but it sure came close to it, especially with the way Katt wanted me to do it. And that would make the situation with Annie seem like a walk in the park.

I wouldn’t call Lotta or write to her. The best thing to do was to just let this all pass quietly. She didn’t have my address or phone number, either here or in Milford. She didn’t really have a way to find out, either. The only possible meeting was when I went skating on Wednesday with Sofia so that I could collect my things. If I saw her, I could repeat my promise to call her when I got back from Abisko. It would be a lie, but I felt it was the safest course of action for all involved.

I called Jennifer because we hadn’t talked for a while. I was glad when she answered.

“Hi, Jen!”

“Steve!” she squealed. “It’s less than a month now!”

“Yes, it is! I’m looking forward to it. Did you get your parents to agree to me spending the night?”

She giggled, “Mom told me she was surprised it took me this long to ask! Dad said ‘OK’, though he’s not thrilled with the idea.”

“Good. My mom will be upset, but that’s just tough! I really don’t care what she thinks at this point!”

“What are you going to do with me?” she asked in a sexy voice.

“I’m going to fuck you silly in every way possible, Jennifer!”

“Wait, did you just say ‘fuck’? And what do you mean ‘every way’?” she giggled.

“I did say ‘fuck’, Jennifer! And I mean every way. No hole left unfucked!”

“Steve Adams, what’s gotten into you?” she giggled. “Do you miss me that much?”

“No, let’s just say I’ve moved past being a prude. You can thank Katt for that!”

“Katt?”

“Yes, I’ll explain in detail when I get home and we can talk longer. Don’t worry, she’s not a connection, nor would she ever be one. She’s needier than I ever was!”

“Wow. You know that Melanie is going to be ticked when she finds out! She wanted to do stuff like that with you, but you never asked her to!”

“She asked me!” I protested.

“Yes, but she’d have done way more if you had simply asked. Just like me!”

We laughed at that, then I changed the subject. “Hey, Jen, I never asked you about your Junior Prom. Who’d you go with?”

“The same sexy guy I went to Homecoming with. I didn’t tell you about that, either!” she giggled.

I knew immediately who she meant.

“Larry.” I chuckled.

“Of course! He and I are great friends and he can dance WAY better than you can!”

“That’s not hard to do,” I chuckled. “My skills lie in other areas.”

“Yes, they do! Been using them a lot lately?”

“Not really, when it comes right down to it. I only see Pia about one weekend a month and Katt moved to Colorado.”

“Steve Adams is not having sex? What’s this world coming to?”

“Well, I did have sex last night with my friend Elizabeth, but that was a one-time thing by mutual agreement. Something we just had to do, so to speak. And I’ll see Pia again the last night in Sweden.”

“That’ll be a night to remember, I suspect.”

“Maybe. She might just want to make slow, passionate love. It all depends on her mood. And she’s more conventional than I am.”

“That’s really saying something!” Jennifer laughed. “Anyone else besides her?”

“Maybe. Probably Pam in Abisko and maybe Suzana one more time. That’s a story all by itself. One I’ll tell you later. And you know I’m seeing Karin after Abisko.”

“I know,” Jennifer sighed. “Competing with a ghost was hard enough. Now I might have to compete with the ghost’s little sister.”

“Jennifer, there is nothing between me and Karin right now. And there may never be. Just remember, I’m coming home to you.”

“And Katt.”

“That won’t last,” I said confidently. “It can’t. I might see her a few times, but her schedule and the distance will end it. I can’t compete with her drive for winning skating competitions. She really is no competition for you.”

“Who is, Steve?”

“Stephanie told me you two talked about this. Your list is probably accurate. I want you, you know that, right?”

“Yes. We have a lot to talk about when you come home.”

“That sounds ominous,” I said apprehensively.

“Nothing ominous,” she said. “Just that you’ve changed, I’ve changed, and the world has changed. Don’t worry. My feelings for you haven’t changed at all! We’ve been through a lot and we’ll go through a lot more before anything permanent happens.”

There was something she wasn’t telling me. I felt it, but I had no idea what it was. I’d have to wait to find out. Of course, I could just be reading too much into what she said, but I didn’t think so. The problem was, not being able to look into her eyes and simply KNOW what she was thinking.

“OK,” I said. “I’ll talk to you in a couple of weeks.”

‘I love you, Steve, and I want you with me. I want you in me. Everywhere. As many times as you can!”

“I love you, Jennifer!”