Chapter 2: Saying Goodbye

July 3, 1979, Stockholm, Sweden

We drove into the city from the airport and pulled up to park behind an eight-story apartment building. Lars Andersson carried one of my bags and I carried the other, plus my carry-on. We got into the elevator and went up to the sixth floor and into apartment 6B. The apartment had three bedrooms, a large great room with the dining table, couches and TV, and a kitchen.

“Steve, take off your shoes by the door. In Sweden, this is what everyone does. It’s impolite to wear shoes inside.”

“Yes, Lars, I remember that from the information that YFU gave me, but thanks for reminding me!”

I took off my shoes and put them on a rack by the door. Lars brought me to a room where we left my bags. It was clearly a girl’s room and on the desk were four pictures. One was of Birgit and me, one was Birgit and Melanie, one was Larry, Birgit, and me, and the other was of Karin and Birgit. This was — had been — Birgit’s room! And I was going to be sleeping here. Alone. The room I would have shared with Birgit and made love every day for a year. I stifled a sob and quickly dabbed the tears that welled up. In my mind, I could see her lying there on the bed, waiting for me.

“I’d like to shower and change, please, if you don’t mind.” I said, trying not to choke.

“Certainly! The bathroom is there,” he said, pointing. “Take your time.”

I grabbed the small bag with my soap and shampoo, as well as my other bathroom stuff that was in my shoulder bag. I grabbed a clean set of underwear and socks, plus jeans and a polo shirt, and went into the bathroom. I stripped and turned on the shower and adjusted the temperature to as hot as I could stand.

I used the toilet and spent nearly two minutes trying to figure out how to flush it! There was no traditional lever like back home! Eventually, I figured out that you raised a knob on the top of the tank and the toilet would flush. When I thought about it, I realized it actually made more sense than the lever system we used.

I got into the shower. The hot water felt good flowing over my body as I washed. When I finished, I stood under the spray for another couple of minutes, then shut it off, dried myself, and dressed. I had felt a bit tired, but the hot water helped chase that feeling away. I knew I was running on adrenaline and willpower, but wanted to switch my sleep-cycle as soon as possible.

I put my dirty clothes in a laundry bag that I had packed, then went into the great room. I did a double-take seeing Karin sitting on the couch. She looked so much like Birgit! I shook my head to clear it and then sat next to her. Annika had made coffee and brought it in, along with cookies and some small cakes. It dawned on me that Swedes used British English and biscuits were cookies! The coffee was very strong, but I drank it black, while the others all put cream in theirs.

“We can walk to the churchyard where Birgit is from here,” Lars said slowly. “There is a shop along the way where you can get some flowers. We’ll stop first at the bank next door to change some money for you.”

It was still too early to call home, given the time difference. I decided I would do it after lunch.

“Thanks,” I said. “That sounds fine. I’ll want to make a couple of very short phone calls a bit later. It’s too early to call now.”

“That’s fine,” he said.

We finished our coffee, and I went to Birgit’s room and got the letter I had written to her at Doctor Mercer’s suggestion. I also grabbed my fedora, my camera, and two rolls of film.

“What’s that envelope?” Karin asked.

“A goodbye letter I wrote to Birgit after she died. It helped me deal with her death.”

“I miss her a lot!” she sighed.

“Me too,” I said softly. “Me too.”

We took the elevator down to the ground floor and walked out to the sidewalk. We turned left and went into a bank named ‘Skandinaviska Enskilda Banken’ where I changed $100 in US Traveler’s Checks for a little over 400 Swedish Krona, discovering that they didn’t have a symbol for their currency like the ‘$’ or ‘£’ signs, but used ‘SEK’ instead. We walked further down the street and Lars led me to a shop with the word «Blomsterhandel» (“Flower shop”) on the door. I selected a bouquet that cost SEK75:-. I paid the clerk who, fortunately for me, spoke perfect English. I thanked her, and we left the shop.

We walked about two kilometers until we came to an old Lutheran church with a moderate-sized churchyard. Lars and Annika led us around to a small stone that said ‘Birgit Elizabeth Anderson’ and ‘September 5, 1962 — June 10, 1978’. Tears ran down my face as I walked to the stone and laid the flowers against it.

I opened the envelope, and I read my letter out loud as tears streamed over my cheeks and dripped onto her grave. I felt an arm around me and looked over and saw Birgit holding onto me. I blinked a few times and realized it was Karin, not Birgit. I read from the letter, telling Birgit everything I had hoped for our future, everything I had desired, everything I had felt.

My knees trembled, and I slowly sank, sitting back on my legs, Birgit, no Karin, moving with me, on her knees beside me, without breaking her hold around me.

There were some very intimate comments, and I read those as well, about the beauty of making love with her, of the feel of her kisses, the warmth of her embrace, the touch of our bodies, of wanting to be with her, of how it would have felt to wake up in her arms every day for a year. Of how I longed for just one more kiss, one more embrace. I felt Karin hug me tighter as I read.

I finished my letter with an expression of undying, eternal love and my belief that somehow, some way, she would always be with me, watching over me and guiding me as she had when she was alive. How she had helped me to become the person I was and would become the husband and father I wanted to be. I was so choked up, I could barely finish.

“I love you Birgit Andersson,” I said, sobbing, then kissed the headstone.

“She loved you too, Steve Adams,” a voice hauntingly like Birgit’s declared. “That was such a beautiful letter. You really did love her as much as she said.”

“Yes, I did,” I sobbed.

“So did I,” Karin said softly.

I looked back and saw tears rolling down Annika’s face as she stood next to Lars, their arms wrapped around each other. I folded the letter and put it back in the envelope, and sealed it. I pressed the envelope down along the bottom front of the stone so that it was stuck between the dirt and the headstone. I lay in the grass next to her grave and sobbed. Karin lay with me and kept her arm around me while I cried.

After a few minutes, I forced myself to get up and Karin took out a handkerchief to wipe away my tears and then she let me blow my nose. I took a picture of the headstone and then had Lars take one of me standing next to the headstone, and one of me with Karin. Finally, I took one of the Anderssons.

We walked back to the apartment in silence, each lost in our own thoughts. With each step, my emotions settled and by the time we returned to the apartment, I was much calmer. Saying goodbye to Birgit had ripped open some old wounds I thought had been fully healed. I hoped Birgit had heard me somehow, that she knew how much I loved her and would always love her; that a part of her would always be with me.

When we arrived back at the apartment, I told Lars what my mom had done. He was taken aback that she had done such a terrible thing and went to call Stig Olsen at the YFU office to discuss the matter with him. They spoke for several minutes, and then he made another call. That call lasted perhaps five minutes, and he made a third call, which lasted perhaps 2 minutes.

“I spoke to Stig,” Lars said, “and he explained that the Jonssons were quite upset with what your mother said and they may drop out of the program completely. I called and spoke to Anders for a few minutes and explained to him that we knew you and that the things your mother said weren’t to be believed. He’s actually coming to Stockholm to meet with Stig later this week and I will join them.

“I also called Rolf Anderberg. He seems like a really nice man. He said he wished they could take you for the whole year, but there are some family issues that prevent that, plus there won’t be any kids in that family once his daughter goes to the US and he thinks you should be in a family with kids. I agree with him, of course. He knows the situation, and he said he would speak to Anders once he meets you.

“I did say to Stig that if the Jonssons quit the program you are welcome to stay with us for the year, if you want. He said that was possible, but his goal was to have you in Göteborg as planned. He thinks things will settle down after the meeting. He did say that you could stay here during the YFU gathering in Stockholm in December, and I accepted, of course.”

“Thanks,” I said. “I really appreciate it.”

Annika served sandwiches and chips and offered me either Coke or a choice of Swedish soft drinks. I selected a Swedish one called ‘Grappo’ that was grapefruit flavored. It was fantastic, and I decided this was something I could drink even more often than Coke! I ate two sandwiches and a couple of handfuls of chips.

When we finished, Lars took me to the master bedroom so that I could make my calls in private. He gave me the dialing codes, which meant dialing 00, then 1, then the area code and number.

I dialed home and Stephanie answered.

“Steve!” she said excitedly. “How are you Big Bro?”

“I’m good, Squirt, though a bit tired. I’m with Birgit’s family and I’ve been to see Birgit to say goodbye.”

“How did that go?”

“I cried a lot, and it made me very sad. I think in the long run it’s good, but right now I’m seeing Birgit everywhere I look.”

“I know it’s tough, but you’ll get through it; I know you will,” she said softly. She paused and brightened her voice, “How was the trip?”

“Uneventful. I’ll be staying here tonight, then I’m going someplace different from planned. I’ll be in a city called Helsingborg for a couple of weeks, then probably in Göteborg, but it’s not sure yet. Mom made a real mess of things.”

“I’m so sorry!”

“Everything is going to work out, Squirt! Guess where I’m sleeping?”

“With Birgit’s little sister?” she giggled.

“You’re bad!” I laughed. “She’s stunning, but no. I’m sleeping in Birgit’s old room. There are pictures of me still on her desk.”

“Stunning, huh?” she giggled, “You OK with sleeping there?”

“Yeah, I think so. We’ll see.”

“Let me get Dad, he didn’t go to the office today so he could talk to you.”

Dad came on the phone, “Hi, Son, how are you doing? How was the flight?”

“Everything is good so far. I’m with the Anderssons and I already went to see Birgit. I’ll be leaving for Helsingborg tomorrow for a few weeks. YFU needs time to fix what Mom did, but I should still be going to Göteborg. If they can’t solve the issues with the Jonssons for some reason, I’ll be back in Stockholm with the Anderssons. I’ll call you tomorrow afternoon your time from Helsingborg.”

“OK. As long as you’re OK with everything. Have a good time and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“Your sister wants the phone for one more minute.”

“OK,” I agreed.

“Big Bro, I just wanted to say I miss you and I love you.”

“I love you too, Squirt, and I can’t wait to come home and love you!” I teased.

“That’s mean!” she giggled.

“Talk to you soon,” I said.

“Bye!”

We hung up. I dialed Jennifer’s house. She answered on the first ring.