Chapter 24: The Puzzle and the Cat, Part I

March 1980, Hovås/Göteborg, Sweden

I walked into the house and went straight to my room to put on sweatpants and a Team Sweden hockey jersey I had bought. They were way more comfortable for being around the house than anything else I could wear, except perhaps shorts, but it was too cold for that.

I picked up the phone and dialed Jennifer’s number. Her mom answered and called her to the phone.

“Hey, Steve!”

“Hi, Jen! How are you?”

“Good, except for missing you.”

“I miss you too, but we’re down to less than five months!”

“What’s up? You don’t sound upset, so it’s obviously nothing bad.”

“I can’t just call to talk to you?” I asked.

“Have you noticed you don’t do that?” she asked with a light laugh. “You only call when you need me or you need to tell me something.”

She was right. I hadn’t even noticed.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize it!”

“It’s OK. Your letters take care of everything else. I know you love me. What’s up?”

“I think I’ve put some major pieces into the puzzle. Pieces that help explain things. And I think I know the key to the future.”

“Stephanie,” she said matter-of-factly.

“I knew you would know. You’ve known all along, haven’t you?”

“Yes,” Jennifer admitted. “Until you can have me as me, instead of as a surrogate for your sister, you can’t move forward. That’s the main reason I don’t object to you and Stephanie. Until you do it, until you make love with her, I’ll be a substitute for her. Once you’ve done that, and gotten it out of your system, only then can I know for sure that you want me for me. In case you haven’t noticed, you’re looking for a connection like you have with Stephanie, NOT like the one you have with me.”

“I know,” I agreed. “That’s what I finally figured out. She’s the key to everything. I don’t understand why at this point, but I’m not worried about that. I may figure out why and I may not, but I know it to be true.”

“You need to find a way to just be alone with her for several days to get it all out on the table. I don’t just mean fucking each other unconscious, though that’s important, I mean talking. Really talking. She’ll put you on the right path; I’m sure of it. None of us, not Birgit when she was alive, me, Karin, Joyce, Becky, none of us, can love you the way she does, and we never will. The bond between you two is that strong. I’m afraid that if it ever breaks, you’ll fall apart. Maybe not right away, but without her, you aren’t complete.”

“Jeez, Jennifer, you sound as if you think I should marry her and have kids.”

“If the world were different, you should and you would. But it’s not, so you need to find that person out there who is as close to in tune with her as you can. She thinks it’s me and I so hope she’s right. I want her to be right.”

“Me too,” I breathed. “Me too.”

“But you and I both know she might not be right. Lots of things can happen before we graduate from college, and there might be someone else. You’ve known that all along. I’ve known that all along. It might have been Birgit, but you’ll never know. It’s like Birgit said, you need to know. You need to be sure. If you aren’t, then you’ll end up like Joyce said you would — unable to keep your vows, unable to be the husband you should be.”

“Didn’t you once tell me that you thought I wouldn’t be able to keep my vows and that you were OK with that?”

“I did. But that was before we discussed me being a surrogate for Stephanie and her being the key. Remember, we talked about that before you left. It just took you this long to understand it. Of course, I also had a plan to keep you in line, remember?” she giggled.

“I do remember!”

“Maybe I’ll bring your sister!” she teased, and I could tell from her tone she was smirking.

“That’s the third time you’ve mentioned a threesome, Jennifer!”

“It is,” she said simply.

“You’re bad, you know that?”

“I do. I love you and I’m counting the days until I can see you.”

“Me too. I don’t know that my parents will go for you picking me up and not having me home the same day. Let’s plan on Friday, July 11th, as our reunion!”

“I wish you could spend the night.”

“Ask your parents. If they say OK, I’ll do it and accept the consequences.”

“Really?”

“Yes!”

“I love you Steve!”

“I love you too, Jennifer!”

We hung up, and I dialed my number, hoping that Stephanie would answer and that she’d be able to talk.

“Hey, Squirt!”

“Hey, Big Bro! How are you?”

“Pretty good. Your thirteenth birthday is coming up on Thursday!”

I had sent her a card and a gift — a small Kosta-Boda crystal bowl.

“Yeah! One more to go after that, then you’re mine!”

“Yours? What about Jennifer?” I chuckled.

“She can have anything that’s left over when I’m done. Well, assuming you survive!” she giggled.

“I’ll survive, trust me! It’s you who might not be able to walk for a few days afterwards, Squirt!”

“Promises, promises, Big Brother.”

“How are you doing?”

“Pretty good. Mom’s almost normal without you here. I know that sounds bad, but it’s true.”

“I hope she can handle it when I’m home.”

“I don’t see that happening. She’s become even worse about Jeff. How he’s the perfect son, blah, blah, blah. She has no idea just how bad he is, but even if she found out, she’d never believe it.”

“Really? Have I missed something?”

“A lot. But forget about him, OK?”

“OK. I’ve done a lot of thinking about us.”

“You’re not trying to back out?”

“What did I just say, not two minutes ago?”

“True. So you’re not trying to get out of us fucking each other unconscious?”

“No way! In fact, I’m absolutely sure it’s necessary. I have to do it to unlock my future. Until we do, I’ll never know for sure if Jennifer is the right one for me.”

“I’m sure of it. You just need to listen to me.”

“Nobody can tell me,” I sighed. “I have to figure it out for myself. But you also suggested that I screw as many girls as I could. Explain that one to me!”

“That’s easy. It’s all part of you being sure. C’mon, have you found anyone that even comes close to Jennifer? I mean, except for Birgit, of course.”

“No, but there’s at least one person I need to explore. You know who that is.”

“Yes. It’s Karin. You do have to figure that one out, for sure. I don’t think she’s the one, but you’re right, that doesn’t matter. Jennifer thinks that there might be someone here, too.”

“She does? She didn’t say anything to me about that.”

“She wouldn’t. But she thinks that Bethany, Elyse, and Kathy Will are girls you might end up connecting with. She told me that the other day. I saw it with my own eyes with Bethany. That last time we were together? It was almost like you and Jennifer. It was a bit spooky. And Jennifer saw you with Elyse. As for Kathy, there’s been something between you two for more than three years now. That’s no longer a secret to anyone.”

“Now you’re just making it even more complicated,” I sighed.

“No, I’m not. This is what you have to figure out. Each of them offers you something very different. And you might meet someone else, too. It’s like your situation with Becky and Jennifer. But you have lots of time, Steve, if you’re right about us. That’s a year from now. Figure it out.”

The most important girls in my life kept telling me to figure it out. Just when I thought I had the pieces in the puzzle, the puzzle got bigger. But now I knew my way forward. It ran right through my sister into the future. And that knowledge made things easier.

“One last thing,” Stephanie said. “You are too young to make a commitment. Jennifer told you that before. I’m telling you now. Do not commit to anyone or anything. See who is out there. Take all your opportunities. When the time comes, then you’ll know.”

“You’re right, Squirt, you’re right.”

“Of course I am!”

Smug. Just as she always was.

“Steph, Jennifer said that we needed to find a way to be together for several days when it’s time, so we can talk everything through.”

“Talk?” she giggled.

“Yes, we’ll screw a lot, but we’ll also talk.”

“Hmm. Maybe Mom and Dad will go away for Spring break next year. They’re doing it this year and I’m staying with Vickie. Jeff’s going along, but I don’t want to be anywhere near him, so I asked not to go. If they do that next year, we could have the house alone, like you more or less did when they went to Myrtle Beach.”

“I hope that works out,” I said.

“Fucking me in Mom’s bed would be the ultimate, wouldn’t it?” she giggled.

“You are bad, Stephanie Ann Adams!”

“You have no idea yet, Big Bro,” she said sexily, “absolutely no idea!”

“I love you. I should probably talk to Dad.”

“I’ll get him.”

I spoke with Dad for about five minutes to let him know things were going well and that I’d keep him posted on my return. I asked if it was OK if I had someone pick me up and he said he was going to do it. Mom might be along, but he’d be there for sure. I said that was OK, even though I wasn’t really happy about that. I did let him know I was planning to see Jennifer on the Friday after I got home and he laughed and told me he’d be surprised if I didn’t.

The conversations with Katt, Jennifer, and Stephanie had led me to an inescapable conclusion — I needed to stop obsessing over finding my life partner and actually try to do it! I spent so much time thinking about it, analyzing it and worrying about it that I wasn’t able to just be myself and let relationships develop as they should. Each and every one was analyzed for what it meant for the future.

I realized that I hadn’t done that at all with Pia, actually. I’d just kind of let things flow. Yes, there had been a week or so of us sort of figuring things out, but it wasn’t about being soulmates, it was just a normal part of dating. And now, because I knew I couldn’t know anything at all until at least next March, I could simply allow things to develop naturally.

That meant Katt could have her kiss, and probably whatever else she wanted. It meant I could be with Suzana when she wanted, and Pam when she wanted, and just not worry about what it meant, so long as they weren’t expecting a permanent relationship of some kind. It meant I could continue my relationship with Pia and not worry about the long term until the long term presented itself.

The only one that presented a problem, so to speak, was Karin. She was looking for an ultimate commitment. I knew I couldn’t give her such a thing now, and I’d have to explain to her why. That’s when I would find out if I was going to be able to explore a relationship with her or not. And I’d have to tell her that it was exactly that — exploration. It couldn’t be anything more at this point.

I wrote Karin my usual weekly letter. I also answered a few letters I’d received, including ones from Larry and Bethany. It seemed that everything back home was more or less the same.

On Sunday, I relaxed and hung out with Patrick and Suzana and a couple of their friends. We listened to music, used the sauna, and otherwise just had a good time together.

Monday was normal until I arrived home to find a letter from Tatyana. They had settled in Vienna and she was attending school at the Soviet Embassy. She really wasn’t allowed to do anything in Vienna without her mother, father, or an escort, and that was bugging her. I laughed when I realized that this letter had most certainly been checked by a censor and that comment was probably reported to her father. It reminded me to be very careful of what I wrote back to her.

I penned a letter back to her that basically described what I was doing, and about the exchange program and my host family. I also wrote that I hoped someday I’d see her again, but I knew there wasn’t much chance of that. I did send her my home address and let her know that she should use that after the middle of June to be safe.

On Tuesday, after our evening at Torbjörn’s, I walked Elizabeth home.

“Do you still have the same feelings?” I asked.

“Yes, I do. Do you?”

“Yes, but I’m afraid to mess things up. I like you as a friend and I really like hanging out at Torbjörn’s as a group.”

“Me too.”

“I’m pretty sure that if we don’t do it,” I said carefully, “we’ll always wish we had. I have an idea, if you want to hear it.”

“I think you might be right,” Elizabeth said after a moment’s silence. “What’s your idea?”

“Let’s plan a date for the second week in June. That way, school is out and it’ll be close to the time I go home. I’ll take you to dinner and a movie and then we can decide.”

“It’s a date, then! How about Friday? It’s the 13th.”

“Perfect. Friday the 13th!” I chuckled.

What could possibly go wrong on a date like that? I laughed a bit harder, hugged her tightly, then walked to the bus station. I wondered if that day would be bad luck ... or good.

On Thursday evening, around 10:00pm, I called Stephanie to wish her a happy birthday. We couldn’t really talk about anything important because my parents were there, but I knew she needed to hear my voice that day. She loved the gift and told me she missed me. I told her I missed her as well.

On Friday, when school was out, I took the #8 tram to Västra Frölunda and walked to Katt’s house. I greeted her parents, Håkan and Inger. As was usual for Sweden, I called the Sundströms by their first names. We had a nice meal and afterwards we had coffee and spent an hour chatting with her parents, and then Katt and I went to her room to hang out.

As I did at her party, I sat in the chair. This time, though, she came and plopped into my lap like Lotta had done with Mikael. She put her arms around my neck and looked me in the eyes.

“So, will you kiss me now?” she asked softly.

I answered by kissing her softly on the lips.

“That was nice,” she said and got off my lap. “I liked that.”

She noticed my confusion and smiled.

“I figured you wanted to talk to me,” she continued. “I just wanted to get the kiss out of the way.”

What was it with the girls I ended up being around? They all seemed to know exactly what I needed and when I needed it.

“I do. I just want to make sure we’re on the same page, or at least reading the same book!”

She laughed, “I already told you I’m not expecting to marry you or anything just because I kiss you or stuff. I like you and it’s fun being with you. You’re a nice, sweet guy and the more I get to know you, the more I like you. That’s all. I’m fourteen, I’m just starting a skating career, I’ll be moving to Colorado in a couple of months. I know this might not be anything more than going on dates and doing stuff together. OK? I know you’re seeing other girls. I understand quite clearly. Why don’t you worry about you and let me worry about me.”