Chapter 19: Ersättare

December 1979, Stockholm, Sweden

“Karin, this isn’t a good idea,” I said carefully.

“What isn’t a good idea?” she asked.

“You. Me. This. I may look better on the outside, but my emotions are still a mess. I’m completely drained. It’s not just about your sister, Karin, there are so many other things that I’m dealing with.”

“I’ll listen if you want to tell me,” Karin said. “Please let me help you.”

I considered whether I should open up to her. She was young, even younger than Sofia. Was it right to pour all the pent-up emotion out here, to her? On both my visits, Karin had offered support without asking for anything in return, simply by being by my side. Yes, she had twice offered herself to me, but it had been done in a subtle, loving way that asked for nothing.

I struggled with the situation because every time I looked at Karin, I saw Birgit. When she spoke, I heard Birgit. When she touched me, I felt Birgit touch me. That was part of why I had sent her away — being with Karin needed to be about Karin, not about Birgit, and I couldn’t separate them.

Now, Karin was offering to listen, to help. Sending her away because of my own fears, my own insecurity, and my own emotional turmoil seemed wrong. Perhaps a conversation with her was part of my healing and growth. Perhaps Karin herself needed it as part of her healing. And talking couldn’t really hurt.

“OK,” I said. “Let me put on shorts and a t-shirt.”

I went to the bathroom to change, returning to find Karin still sitting where I had left her. I had noticed that Lars and Annika had gone to bed, so I took Karin’s hand and led her to the couch in the living room. I was more comfortable being there than in the bedroom.

“Please tell me what has you so upset,” she said gently.

“Everything,” I sighed, “everything has me upset. Birgit knew I was a confused boy who wanted to eventually be a loving husband and devoted father, but a boy who had no idea how to achieve that. And everything that’s happened over the last two-and-a-half years has pretty much proved her right. I’ve made so many mistakes, hurt so many people, and generally made a mess of my life.”

“Birgit never said anything but good things about you — that you were loyal, loving, caring, attentive, and that you always tried to do the right thing. She never said anything about you being anything other than the perfect partner. Why are you so hard on yourself?”

“Maybe Birgit saw me for who I could be, instead of who I was. The problem is that her version of who I could be was pretty much the opposite of who I was going to be, according to my friend Joyce. And Joyce thought I was going to turn out to be pretty lousy at being a husband.”

“Did you trust Birgit?” Karin asked.

“Unequivocally. Always.”

“Then trust her judgment. I see what she saw. Mom and Dad see it, too.”

“But there’s so much that is wrong!” I protested.

“How bad can it be? I know you’re sad about Birgit, but I’ve seen you deal with that. You were very different today out there, at her grave, than when you were in July.”

“I am. But it’s still pretty bad.”

“Tell me then, and let me try to help you the way Birgit would have.”

“Because you know all about Birgit, I guess the place to start is a girl named Becky. She and I dated for a while, but our relationship fell apart and we broke up. Unfortunately, we were intimate, and she felt that having sex somehow bound us together forever. There were two problems, first, I had Birgit, who I knew was my soulmate; second, I was only fifteen and wasn’t ready to make the kind of commitment Becky wanted me to make, to anyone, even to your sister.”

“If my sister was your soulmate, why wouldn’t you commit to her?”

“It was Birgit that didn’t want me to. In her wisdom, she knew that it would be a mistake for us to make that kind of commitment when we were only fourteen or fifteen. And she was right. But Becky wanted it and manipulated me into making perhaps the dumbest decision I’ve ever made. I had sex with her twice after we broke up. What I didn’t know was that Becky had stopped taking her birth control pills, and she got pregnant.”

“You have a child?!” Karin gasped. “Or is she pregnant now?”

“She was pregnant when I came to Sweden. We agreed that she would have the baby. Then, because of pressure from her mom, she had an abortion. I was devastated because I had accepted the fact that I was going to be a dad. I felt like someone had ripped out a part of my soul. It was like when Birgit died, though not quite as intense.

“I cried for my dead baby. I still mourn, and unlike with Birgit, there isn’t a place I can go to cry, to remember, and to say goodbye. And to make it worse, Becky had the abortion in an attempt to protect me. But I didn’t want her to protect me. I wanted her to protect my baby. And she killed him instead.”

Tears streamed down my face and Karin moved to put her arm around me.

“What do you mean, protect you?” Karin asked.

“I would have been sent home by YFU if they found out about the baby. Her dad agreed not to tell my parents until I got home, but her mom threatened to tell my parents if Becky didn’t have the abortion. Becky had the abortion to keep me from being sent home. But I didn’t care! I would have gone home!”

Karin simply held me as I sobbed, rubbing my back but saying nothing.

“I’ve made another terrible mistake with a girl here,” I said a few minutes later. “We had sex and afterwards she told me she was ashamed that we did it, that she made a mistake, and that she had wanted to wait until she had someone she thought would be her life partner.”

“Then why did she do it? Didn’t she tell you ‘no’?”

“I wish she had said ‘no’,” I sighed. “But she never sent any signs she didn’t want to do it. She said that I got her so excited that she went further than she wanted to. Afterwards, she said she regretted it and was ashamed. Then she told me that I had to be her boyfriend because we had sex. It was a total mess. I partly blame myself because I usually go out of my way to make sure, but she sent no signs that I should stop.”

“Then it’s not your fault! If you didn’t pressure her or force her, then it’s not your fault. Were either of you drinking?”

“No. Once before I had been drunk and she and I kissed pretty hot and heavy, but it was only kissing. I guess, though, that she took that kissing as a sign I wanted to be her boyfriend. It’s all so strange to me. One of my friends suggested that maybe she was religious, and that’s the problem, but I don’t know and I really don’t want to discuss it with her at this point.”

“Do you drink, Steve?” she asked with trepidation in her voice.

“Only really small amounts. I made the mistake of getting drunk one time to try to forget my problems and it didn’t help. I woke up with the same problems and a horrible headache!”

“That’s good. Alcohol is not an answer.”

“I know,” I said. “There’s more, too. You know Melanie Spencer, right?”

“Birgit’s other sister,” she giggled.

“Yeah, you could say that. Did Birgit tell you about Melanie and me?”

“Yes. I thought Birgit was crazy at first, but she seems to have known what she was doing.”

“What you don’t know about Melanie is that she tried to kill herself.”

“What?!” Karin gasped. “We heard she was in an accident!”

“She was. It was a suicide attempt. Melanie and I had wrecked our relationship twice, and the suicide attempt was after the second time. She’s better, but I still fear that I might have done something to drive her to that kind of desperation. And I’m even more scared that I somehow might do that to someone again.”

“That’s a lot of weight to carry on your shoulders alone.”

“There’s more,” I sighed. “I mentioned Joyce. We ended up breaking up because she was convinced that I could never be faithful to her, or to anyone, for that matter.”

“Birgit told me that you could. In fact, she said she knew in her heart that when the time came, you would be perfectly faithful to her. And she knew, and I know, that you have been with a lot of girls. Birgit didn’t care about how many girls you were with, so long as you ended up with her. She was surprised at how many there were, but as I said, it didn’t bother her.

“And I know she told you that she had never had sex with Jonas. I know, because she told me, that she was never going to have sex with anyone but you, unless, finally, you two decided that you couldn’t be a couple. She didn’t tell Jonas that, but I am pretty sure he knew that the only way he could have her was if you were no longer there.”

“I’m struggling so hard to be the person Birgit wanted me to be. But it’s difficult; it’s really difficult.”

This led to another bout of tears and Karin holding me tight, rubbing my back.

“You’re only sixteen,” Karin soothed. “You have a long way to go before you need to worry about that. Be who you are. You’re a good person. You love without reservation and give yourself to people. You get hurt, but you’re willing to take that hurt from them onto yourself and help them. You need to let others help you.”

“I do have people who help me, it’s just so difficult,” I sobbed.

“It is difficult,” Karin said. “Birgit knew that. I know that. I miss her terribly and it’s been difficult. So many times I’ve cried for her. I cried for you, too, Steve. I came to you to comfort you, but you sent me away. I understand why you had to do that.”

We sat there in silence, both lost in our thoughts and softly crying for what seemed like an eternity, but was perhaps only twenty minutes. Karin stood up, took my hand, and led me down the hall.

“Karin,” I protested softly.

“Please let me just hold you and you hold me. I’ll sleep in your arms, and you’ll sleep in mine.”