Chapter 1: The Journey Begins

July 2–3, 1979 Detroit, Michigan and Stockholm, Sweden

-Frank Zappa

I rode along, still in shock, in the back seat of Pete’s car, and watched the scenery flow by. I tried to make sense of what Becky had told me; tried to figure out what I could do. Just thirty minutes before, things had looked so promising. Then my world was rocked, and I had a whole new set of problems for which I wasn’t really prepared.

The most immediate concern was how this would affect my year as an exchange student. The YFU rules were clear on that point — getting a girl pregnant excluded you from the program. And if you already were a parent, you weren’t even eligible to apply.

I replayed the conversation over and over in my head.

And I’d hung up. I really should have used a rubber the last time we were together. I tried to remember if I had missed any signs. Her nerves, of course, but that really didn’t register at the time. I thought it was because we hadn’t been together and she was unhappy with the ultimate result. There was also the smug look she gave Stephanie, but that was long after the fact.

I thought back to that first New Year’s Eve with her when she said she didn’t care about getting pregnant. She had most likely stopped taking her pills the day we took off our necklaces or shortly afterwards. Now, I suspected that was why she asked me to come back in a month. She planned to trap me! Stephanie had been right all along — I really was a dumb boy.

Becky was wrong about one important thing — I didn’t hate her. I was extremely upset, but I didn’t hate her. She had caused several big problems. First, I needed to keep this information from my mom and from YFU. That might be impossible, because Becky would have to tell her parents. If it had happened sooner, then I would have stood with her and we would have told them together. There was no way to do that now.

The big question in my mind was whether her parents would keep it from my parents. I thought they might. I knew my mom had made a bad impression on the van Hoeks, so they would at least be somewhat sympathetic. I realized that there was a real possibility that they would want us to get married. I didn’t think that was a good idea at age sixteen, and I was convinced that it would never work out in the long run. I’d already said as much to Becky, and a baby didn’t really change that.

No matter what, I’d help take care of my son or daughter. I just couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do that. I didn’t like the idea of an abortion, either, something I would make clear to Becky. I was scared of being a father, but I couldn’t see killing an innocent baby because I was frightened or dumb or whatever. It just didn’t make sense to me. It wasn’t that I was opposed to the concept — I felt that Bethany had made the right decision when she had her abortion after the rape. Becky would have the final say, but I’d tell her how I felt.

In the end, my immediate fate depended on Becky’s parents and on Becky’s emotional state. If they told my parents, I’d be sent home by YFU. If they didn’t, I’d have to face the music when I came home. My mom would freak out, but I couldn’t predict how. What I was sure of was that I certainly didn’t want her interfering now, because she would likely go completely off the deep end.

My other immediate problem was the beautiful young woman next to me. This would be a dagger in her heart, one that could tear us apart forever. I had to tell her. The question was, should I tell her now, try to get her alone, or tell her by telephone after I talked to Becky. That last option seemed cowardly, and I immediately ruled it out. Melanie and Pete were my friends, and I was as close to Melanie as I was to Jennifer. It had to be now.

“Jennifer?” I said carefully.

“When are you going to tell me?” she asked suspiciously.

The connection. She knew.

“Tell you what, Jennifer?” Melanie asked.

We both ignored her.

“Now,” I said. “I’m going to tell you now.”

“Go ahead and say it,” she said. “Then we can talk.”

“That was Becky who called as we were leaving. She’s a week late for her period and she thinks she’s pregnant.”

“What the fuck?!” Melanie swore, loudly.

“Holy shit, Steve!” Pete exclaimed, but his voice was quiet.

“Pete, Melanie, just be quiet and let me talk with Steve,” Jennifer said firmly.

They nodded their assent.

“I’m going to assume she quit taking her pills,” Jennifer said. “And she got pregnant on purpose.”

“So it would seem. She said she quit taking them the day after we broke up last June. Remember she asked me to see her in a month? And she was determined to have sex with me? Well, now I know why. She didn’t get pregnant then, but I suspect that’s because it had only been about four weeks since she stopped the pills. At Christmas she pushed me hard to have sex, but I refused. I did have sex with her a couple of weeks ago, mostly because I had promised her a goodbye fuck.”

“And I stupidly told you to do it,” Jennifer said with a hitch in her voice. “Your sister was right, Steve.”

“Don’t I know it!” I sighed. “I’ve pretty much maxed out on the ‘dumb boy’ scale this time.”

“What are you going to do?” Jennifer asked.

“I don’t know,” I sighed. “If she tells my parents, my mom will call YFU seconds later and I’ll be on a plane home within 24 hours. Those are the YFU rules. You know my mom will have a field day. And life as I know it will end. It’ll be worse than anything that happened before.”

“Oh my God, that’s right! You showed me the YFU rules. Oh Steve, I’m so sorry.”

“Well, my family doesn’t know. I’m pretty sure that she hasn’t told her parents, but obviously she’ll have to. If they don’t tell my parents, I can stay in Sweden. A lot depends on how the van Hoeks deal with this. I’m going to make sure Becky tells them that she purposefully trapped me. Hopefully, that will help.”

“So what will you do, then?”

“I’m not going to marry her,” I said. “That’s simply not happening. I’ll tell her that in no uncertain terms when I call her from Stockholm. As for the baby, I’ll tell her I want her to have it and I’ll do whatever I can to help take care of the baby and her, but I won’t marry her now, or ever.”

“What about an abortion?” Jennifer asked.

“Well, it’s not my call, but I’d say ‘no’ if she asks me. I just can’t see killing an innocent baby just because I was a dumb boy.”

“That’s one way to look at it. Another is fixing a problem that you can easily fix.”

“You know me,” I replied. “Could I ever kill my own child? Even an unborn one? Would I even consider it?”

“No, you couldn’t,” Jennifer confirmed.

“Jen, forget YFU. Forget Sweden. Forget Becky. What are YOU going to do?”

“What can I do except love you?”

“You’re not angry?”

“I’m pissed beyond words,” she growled. “I’m pissed at Becky for being such a conniving little bitch. I’m pissed at myself for telling you it was OK to fuck her. I’m pissed at you for being a dumb boy. Yeah, I’m angry!”

“And?”

She sighed, dropping her shoulders, “And I love you. More than I can ever say. We’ll work through this. I am not going to abandon you.”

I slumped towards her and she just held me. We rode in silence for several minutes.

“That little bitch has some nerve, Steve,” Melanie said. “That’s about the lowest thing I can think of doing. I have no idea why she thought that would work with you!”

Jennifer spoke softly, “Melanie, she knows his sense of right and wrong and his absolute adherence to his commitments. She counted on that to make him her life partner, but she miscalculated horribly. Steve’s sense of right and wrong will ensure he does everything in his power to take care of a child, but that same sense of right and wrong tells him he could never marry someone that conniving and that underhanded.”

“You’re right, Jennifer,” Melanie agreed, “So, how do we help Steve?”

“I don’t know yet,” Jennifer said. “First, he has to talk to her and have a longer conversation.”

Pete spoke up, “Steve, I have an AT&T calling card I use to call my parents from school. Maybe you could call Becky from Detroit. We should have enough time.”

“Not a bad idea, Pete,” I replied. “You’re right, we should be at the airport in plenty of time. Maybe I can deal with some of my fears before I get on the plane. That would help a lot. Of course, my biggest one is already gone because Jennifer is only pissed at me, not telling me she never wants to see me again. Pissed I can deal with.”

Both girls giggled, and Pete chuckled.

“What about Stephanie?” Jennifer asked.

“I don’t even want to think about it,” I said with resignation. “She’ll be so disappointed in me that I can’t even begin to imagine how upset she’ll be with me. I’ll wait to tell her until Becky and I sort things out further. It’s better for her not to know right now. I’d appreciate if the three of you kept this to yourselves as well.”

“Of course, Steve. For you, of course we will,” Melanie said lovingly.

Around 1:00pm we stopped for lunch at a Stuckey’s. I wasn’t particularly hungry, but I ate anyway. I figured I was going to be completely out of sorts for the next few days and not eating properly would be pretty foolish. We got back on the road, and other than a quick stop at a Rest Area to use the facilities, we drove straight through to Detroit. Pete dropped the girls and me at departures, along with my luggage.

A Skycap looked over my travel documents and put the appropriate tags on my bags. I had a small carry-on shoulder bag that I kept with me. It had a book, my toothbrush, toothpaste, and a couple of packages of cherry Jolly Ranchers. I also had my passport, travel documents, address book, Traveler’s Checks, and a few other things in there. More importantly, I had Birgit’s letter in there, and pictures of Jennifer, Melanie, Stephanie, and one of the gang we had taken at East Fork.

We waited while Pete parked the car and walked back to where we were standing. When he arrived, we went into the terminal and I checked in at the special departures desk for Northwest Orient Airlines, and then with the YFU coordinator, who checked off my name on a list. I let her know that I needed to make a phone call and would go to the gate as soon as I was done.

Pete found an AT&T payphone that was in a relatively quiet area. I punched in the string of digits from Pete’s card and then Becky’s number. I was happy when she answered.

“Steve? You can’t be in Stockholm yet!”

“No, I’m in Detroit at the airport. I had some time before I have to board the plane so I decided to call you. Pete, Melanie, and Jennifer are with me. Pete drove me here, and the girls came along for the ride. They all know what you told me.”

“Oh,” she said softly.

I think that alone told Becky where this was going. Jennifer took my hand and squeezed it.

“Becky,” I said quietly, but firmly. “I don’t hate you. Let’s get that out of the way first. I do not, and could not, hate you no matter what happened. I am extremely disappointed with you and very upset with you, and I’m unbelievably angry. I can’t believe you got pregnant on purpose!”

“I know. After I told you, I cried for hours. I made a huge mistake, Steve. A huge one.”