Chapter 16: Aftermath, Annie, ABBA, and the ABC-80, Part IV

October, 1979, Hovås/Göteborg, Sweden

For once, I slept longer than my partner. I woke to Sofia’s gentle nudging, telling me that it was time for breakfast. We quickly dressed and went to the table to join the rest of the family. There was some light conversation and Mr. Katsaros seemed a bit more relaxed, but still uncomfortable. I wondered what his reactions would be when he discovered Sofia and I were just friends.

When breakfast was finished, we went back to Sofia’s room, and I packed up my stuff.

“What will your dad say about this?” I asked. “I’m not your boyfriend.”

“I never told him you were. I talked to Mom about it and told her what we had done and that I wanted you to spend the night. She asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend and I told her that we weren’t. I told her pretty much what I told you last night, that you were patient and kind and gentle and I loved you, but you weren’t able to make a commitment and that I was OK with that. I’m not sure what she said to my dad, but he didn’t tell me that you couldn’t stay over.”

We talked for another ten minutes or so, then she walked me to the door, hugged me, and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

“See you after dinner tomorrow, OK?” Sofia asked.

“Yes! That will be great!”

I walked back up the hill to the house, changed into jogging clothes, and went out for my run. It was getting chillier and some days, like today, I was wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt instead of just shorts and a t-shirt. In a few weeks, I’d be skating instead. While I was running, I realized that for the first time in nearly three years I’d voluntarily reduced my sex partners to a single person, and that person was three hours away by train. I also realized that it didn’t bother me.

When I got back to the house, I decided on a sauna before my shower, so I quickly took off my running clothes and put on a bathing suit then went into the sauna. When it had warmed up, I ladled water on the rocks for steam and settled down. A few minutes later, Suzana came in.

“You like the sauna a lot,” she observed. “You use it more than we do!”

“Yeah, I do. It helps me relax and I like the warmth. My friend Melanie has one, and I was there every chance I got.”

To have sex most of the time, of course, but I wasn’t going to say that!

“So, how are you doing? How’s Sofia?”

“I’m doing OK, I guess. Still messed up emotionally, but slowly getting better. Sofia and I are just friends.”

“Wait, you spent the night last night at her house and you’re just friends?”

“Yeah, we decided that last night. In fact, we just shared a bed, we didn’t have sex. We talked and agreed that it’s best if we were just friends because I can’t make any kind of commitment to her. First, there’s Pia, second, I’ll be going home in eight months and have no idea if I’ll ever come back.”

“And you were OK with just sleeping, not doing anything?”

“Yes, I was. In fact, not just OK, but it was the right thing to do.”

“You are not a Swedish guy, that’s for sure!” she laughed, then after a short pause asked, “How are you dealing with everything?”

“I’m still torn up about the abortion. I know what everyone has said, but it still feels like Becky did it to protect me, and that’s not what I wanted.”

“But it was her choice; it had to be. No matter what her reasons, it had to be her choice, not yours.”

“Yeah, I know. I have a friend who was raped when she was thirteen and got pregnant. She had an abortion and I’m sure it was the right thing to do. But this was my baby!”

“Made in love? Or just an accident with someone you didn’t love? Did you love Becky? Did you make that baby on purpose? Did you want to make that baby?”

I sat stark upright, startled by her comment. It was almost exactly what Stephanie had said.

“No, I didn’t love her, and I didn’t want to make the baby. But I did.”

“Yes, and you felt responsible and you would have loved the baby, because you had to, not because you wanted to.”

“What do you mean? I wanted to love that baby!” I said angrily.

“No,” she said gently, “you didn’t. You had to love that baby because it was yours. You didn’t want to make it.”

“I don’t see how that’s different.”

“It is. If you had loved Becky, then it might be different. But you didn’t and you don’t. She had to make a decision, and she probably made the right one. You’ll have plenty of time to have babies that you want to make.”

She was sounding more and more like Stephanie, who had told me I’d have kids with Jennifer.

“That doesn’t make it easier,” I sighed.

“No, but stop blaming yourself. She tricked you, then she decided what to do for her own reasons. You won’t get over it until you stop blaming yourself. And quit being selfish and thinking only of yourself!”

She was right. I was blaming myself. I had admitted to myself that Becky might have made the same decision if I was home, but she also might have ruined her life by doing what I wanted. And because I didn’t love Becky, I didn’t care how badly her life turned out if she’d had the baby. I had wanted that baby, I would have loved that baby completely, and she took him, and the love I would have had for him, away from me!

It hit me that I really was being selfish! Despite giving everything I had to others, I was doing it because it was what I wanted; it was what pleased me. I wondered if I only gave because of what I could get back, not because giving was the right thing to do. I wanted Becky to keep the baby because I wanted it, not because it was the right thing for her to do. It wasn’t the first time I was selfish, either, I realized. I wanted what I wanted, and I wanted it when I wanted it and how I wanted it.

Shit! I was just like my mom in that way. Jennifer had pointed out that I had been conditioned by her to be the way I was — needing approval from others, needing to be controlled, and being selfish. Now that I had recognized it, I could start to deal with it. It reminded me of the process that Doctor Mercer had used to draw me out of my depression over Birgit. This time, I was going to try to skip the anger part.

My quest for self-discovery had to start with figuring out what made me act and think the way I did. Joyce had pushed me on that, and I owed her a huge debt of gratitude for pushing me hard. Of course, Melanie, Jennifer and Stephanie were pushing me as well. And I could feel Birgit, her essence, her memories, a presence that I could still feel within me, with me. Suzana had just helped me find another link in the chain.

“Thanks!” I said. “You just helped me immensely!”

I moved and hugged her, and our eyes met. She quickly broke the contact and slid away.

“That’s not a good idea,” she said.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it except a hug of gratitude.”

“That’s not what I saw in your eyes,” she said apprehensively.

This wasn’t the first time my eyes had betrayed some inner thought. But this time, I wasn’t even aware of any thought and even her comment didn’t bring anything to my conscious mind.

“I’m not sure what you mean.” I said.

“Never mind then, maybe I just misread you. I’m sorry.”

It was time for me to shower, so that gave me an excuse to leave the sauna.

“I’m going to shower. I’ll just keep my suit on so you don’t have to leave.”

I got up and left the sauna and showered quickly, rinsing off the sweat. I grabbed a towel and went to my room to dry off and change. I spent the rest of the day reading, relaxing, and writing letters. So far, I had heard from everyone back home and had answered all the letters. From the letters, it seemed as if everything was going well back in Milford. Beth and Brent were still together, Pete and Melanie were edging closer to engagement, and Jennifer and Stephanie were both holding up well.

I decided against calling Jennifer to talk to her about what Suzana had helped me discover. I needed more time to think about it, and as Jennifer said, I had to work these things out for myself. I could talk to Sofia about it, though, when she came by. Thinking of her reminded me that I needed to let Anders and Eva know, so I went and found them and told them that she’d be coming by after dinner a few nights a week.

So far, I’d not encountered any issues with Anders and Eva and I was grateful for that. They had treated me quite well and given me quite a bit of freedom. I was looking forward to the trip to Berlin with Anders and Patrick, as well as a possible ski trip to Austria during Spring break that had been discussed. I was quite happy that my mom’s machinations had failed so miserably.

School on Monday was typical, and Sofia arrived just after we finished dinner. She and I spent a couple of hours together, first doing our homework side-by-side, then talking about the things I had discovered on Sunday. She was surprised that I called myself selfish, but when I explained she understood better what I meant. She told me it was odd because to her I looked like I was the most unselfish person in the world, but she agreed that my motivations for what I did were important.

Just talking with Sofia helped. I was comfortable telling her everything, much like I had been with Jennifer and Melanie, though here there was no sexual tension at all. We’d made our agreement and despite obvious mutual attraction and her love for me, there wasn’t even the slightest hint of a physical relationship, not even mild teasing.

I realized that I had my first true friendship relationship with a girl. Yes, I’d had sex with her, but unlike the girls back home, there wasn’t a standing offer to do it any time I wanted. I was surprised at how liberating that was. I could just be myself, pour out my innermost thoughts, get advice, and not have to worry about anything sexual at all. It was an amazing feeling to have!

On Tuesday, I was with Torbjörn, Elizabeth and Cecilia again. This time, a silly debate started between me and Elizabeth when she teased me about the «Kalle Anka» comic books. She insisted that «Musse Pigg» (Mickey Mouse) was far better. I objected, and the two of us sounded like the “Mickey Mouse Club” song!

“«Musse Pigg!»” Elizabeth giggled.

“«Kalle Anka!»” I said back sternly.

“«Musse Pigg!»” she giggled again.

“«Kalle Anka!»” I insisted.

“«Ni två idioter låter som småbarn!»” Torbjörn chuckled. (“You two idiots sound like toddlers!”)

“«Småbarn? För ett par veckor sen insisterade du på att vi inte skulle ha sex i din säng!»” I teased. (“Toddlers? A couple of weeks ago, you were insisting we not have sex in your bed!”)

“«Kanske detta är ‘Brave New World’!»” Cecilia giggled. (Maybe it’s Brave New World!)

That led to hysterical laughter from all four of us. Only in my circles of friends, here and in the States, would someone come up with that obscure reference to chapter three of Brave New World where toddlers are engaged in erotic play, and everyone would get the reference!

I walked Elizabeth home again, and we hugged goodnight. She commented that we had been quite silly again. I told her I agreed, but it was fun and Torbjörn was getting a kick out of it. I realized that our little group of four had become good friends, similar to how Larry, Birgit, and I had been friends and later Larry, Jennifer, and I. It was doing a lot to improve my mood, too. And the silliness with Elizabeth made it even better.

The rest of the week flew by; programming, language lessons, and visits with Sofia were keeping me busy and helping me stay focused. I was still grieving for my unborn son, but it was becoming more and more like my grief over Birgit — a part of me that would always be missing and could never be replaced. In one sense, I was coming to grips with mortality. For the rest of my life, until I died, people around me would die and I would have to grieve for them and continue on.

I knew I was learning a valuable lesson about life, but it was a tough lesson. I didn’t like goodbyes, even when they were short term. A permanent goodbye was a much harder thing. I had learned that from Doctor Mercer when she helped me with my grief and despair over Birgit. I had, long ago, considered the value of being an emotionally restrained Mr. Spock, but Jennifer had steered me away from that.

Having no emotions was a possible response, but probably a bad one. Bottling it all up inside would no doubt lead to the same end that Melanie had thought was the only way out. I wore my emotions on my sleeve for all to see, even if I didn’t always explain them. It was that outlet that had probably kept me from even thinking about wanting to die like Melanie. This was a revelation, and it helped explain my need for emotional support and close friends. Without them, I would be lost.

For that brief period, when I was adrift without Jennifer or Melanie, I still had Stephanie, Bethany, and Joyce. Without them, well, I could now understand why Melanie had gone off in the car and crashed it. She’d thought she had nobody left who cared for her. Jennifer, Pete, and I had all been estranged in one way or another, Birgit was dead, and Melanie herself had cheated on Pete. Finally now, a year later, I got it.

So why was Jennifer pushing me so hard to not depend on people? Just then, I knew she wasn’t. She was dealing with me in the same way Bethany had to get me to make love, and Jennifer herself had to get me to understand my relationship with my mom. I only responded to extremes. I had to be hit over the head with a two-by-four to really think things through. Eventually, Joyce had done that as well. Even Melanie, when she had told me about Stephanie.

I was discovering more pieces of my own puzzle. If I could be more receptive to subtle input, to suggestions, I wouldn’t have to go through the wild swings of emotion that came with being clubbed over the head. I chuckled to myself. Now I knew what Stephanie meant when she called me a ‘dumb boy’. So often, everything I needed was right there, but until someone basically forced me to think it through, I didn’t.

All of this was good, but I was still struggling with the ultimate question — who was I? Who did I want to be? How would I get from here to there? I had made progress on the first part and I was pretty sure I knew the answer to the second part. The third part had me baffled. I knew all this self-examination was part of it, but I still didn’t know how to put it all together and apply it. More importantly, I still didn’t know for sure what drove me to have so many sexual relationships.