Chapter 15: Aftermath, Annie, ABBA, and the ABC-80, Part III

October, 1979, Hovås/Göteborg, Sweden

“First thing, I haven’t been to bed with him. I wouldn’t feel right doing that unless I had spoken to you about it first.”

“Do you want to do that?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. He’s a pretty decent guy and I enjoy being with him. But right now, I like being with you more. It’s difficult. I know you are leaving in nine months, and I’ll only see you once every three or four weeks, and that I could see him every day, but I don’t want to end what you and I have right now.”

“Is he going to wait that long for you?”

“I dated my first boyfriend for almost a year before we had sex. I was fifteen when we did it. Then my second one, I waited six months, until my seventeenth birthday before we did it. He and I broke up a month or so before you arrived in Helsingborg. So I think if he likes me enough, he will.”

“You don’t have to wait if you don’t want to.”

“I do if I want to be with you. I can’t be with two guys at once that way.”

This was dangerous territory — I hadn’t raised the issue because I wanted Pia and still wanted to be able to be with other girls. I had no choice but to raise it now.

“Do you expect me to be the same?” I asked tentatively. “ To only be with you?”

“Yes, but I never told you that, I just assumed. I know you’ve been with other girls. I can tell.”

Of course she could. I couldn’t lie worth a damn to anyone. Somehow, the girls who were close to me always knew even if I was just keeping something from them, let alone telling a lie. I suppose that was a good thing in the long run.

“But you’re here now with me, naked, in bed.”

“Yes. Before now, I could just say I didn’t know for sure and give you the benefit of the doubt. Are you having sex with another girl?”

“Yes, a girl in Hovås. But she’s the only one now. There were others before her.”

“You told me once you had lots of girls back home; I guess you do here, too.”

“I’m sorry. I should have talked to you about it. I made a big mistake and I’m not sure I can fix it.”

“Does the girl in Hovås know about me?”

“Not you specifically, but she knows I have sex with other girls. I was with her best friend a few times. She knew about it and was OK with it. They both knew I wasn’t being exclusive, though. That was my mistake with you. I didn’t tell you and let you make your own decision about it. I deceived you and I was wrong.”

“Yes, you did.”

“So now what?”

“I don’t know. I need to think about it. Let’s just go to sleep and talk in the morning, OK?”

“I can sleep on the floor if you want, or we can put clothes on.”

“No, I actually want you to hold me tonight, OK?”

“Yes, of course.”

We turned on our sides and spooned together. I reached up to turn off the light, and we fell asleep in each other’s arms. I wondered if it would be for the last time.

I woke early as usual and just held Pia until she woke up perhaps an hour later.

“Do you mind if I run?” I asked.

“No, go ahead. I’ll be here when you get back.”

I went out for my usual run, which gave me nearly an hour to think. I had a serious decision to make. Was I willing to give up Sofia for Pia? To give up any other girls in Göteborg for Pia, who I would only see perhaps six to eight more times before I went home? Given where I was emotionally, given what I needed, Sofia was a better choice for me. She knew my situation and wanted to help, and she certainly didn’t have a problem with me having sex with other girls. In the end, it was up to Pia what happened now.

I got back to the house and found Pia sitting in my room dressed. I took my shower and came back to dress. Pia smiled but said nothing as I dropped the towel and put on my clothes. I took her hand and led her upstairs to breakfast. I introduced her to Eva, who was in the kitchen, and to Suzana, who was at the table eating. While Pia and I ate breakfast, I suggested a walk into Hovås.

We set out hand-in-hand. We walked for about ten minutes in silence before Pia spoke.

“I’m still confused. But it’s my own fault, really.”

“How so?” I asked.

“I went to bed with you the first day we met. I don’t do that; I’ve never done that. I told you how long it took with my first two boyfriends, but with you, it was that first night at Putte’s. I didn’t really know anything about you. You weren’t my boyfriend. But I went to bed with you, anyway. It was risky, but it turned out fine. We get along really well. I like being with you.

“Now I have a problem because of my rule of not being with a guy who wants to be with another girl, just like I don’t want to go to bed with two different guys, you and Johan. If I hadn’t broken my first rule, then I wouldn’t be in this situation. But it’s worse now.”

“Worse?”

“I’m falling in love with you, Steve. So here I am, falling in love with a guy I went to bed with the same day I met him, he’s going to bed with other girls, and I have a guy I like but not as well as I like you. It’s a mess.”

“You’re falling in love with me?”

“Yes.”

“There’s a lot about me you don’t know. And a lot has happened in the last few weeks. There’s so much I haven’t told you. I have a lot of baggage. You probably do not want to fall in love with me.”

“Baggage?”

“Sorry, a lot of emotional problems and relationship problems. There are important things I haven’t told you about me.”

“Is it that bad?”

“Do you want me to tell you everything? I will, if you really want to hear it all. But I’m afraid that you may not like me very much when I’m done.”

“Better to tell me now.”

“Let’s go sit in a café and talk. It’s going to take some time.”

We walked to the café, and I ordered coffee for both of us and we sat down at a table outside. I told Pia everything. She just listened for an hour while I talked. I held nothing back, starting with Jennie McGrath and ending with Becky’s abortion, plus everything in between. I cried softly a few times, especially when talking about Birgit and the baby.

When I had reached the end, I said, “So that’s me. I guess that I’m not who you thought I was.”

“No, you aren’t,” she said. “But in the three months I’ve known you, I see a really nice guy, a guy who really cares for me and who wants to do the right thing. All those things that happened to you and you still treat people wonderfully, like they are the center of your universe. I’ve seen you do it with Rolf and Sinikka, with my parents, with me, and even with Lisbet. When you talk with someone, you are truly interested in what they say and truly care about how they feel.

“When Lisbet was teasing us, you didn’t get upset and even made funny jokes about it. And when I gave you the chance to go to bed with her, you turned it down instantly, with no hesitation. I wasn’t testing you, but it showed me that you think about what you do and how it affects other people.

“Since we met, you’ve done everything you can to make sure you don’t hurt me. You warned me about getting too involved because you would be leaving. You told me to not pass up a chance like Johan. You didn’t tell me about the other girls because you didn’t want to hurt me. I said you deceived me, but actually you didn’t. You never told me I was the only one, and I never asked you about it. We didn’t agree to be boyfriend and girlfriend. We just became lovers.

“That’s something I don’t know how to deal with. I’ve never had a lover before, only a boyfriend. But I like what we do together, and not just in bed. You’re fun to be with. You’re interesting. You’re sweet. You make me feel special. And in bed, well, I’ve only been with two other guys, and they can’t compare to you.

“That’s all the good things. Then there is the bad. You’ve had sex with so many girls, it’s just crazy. Swedish guys could only dream of all those girls! And you made a girl pregnant, and you didn’t tell me about that. It’s kind of important, Steve! You have a girl at home you are serious with, but at the same time, not serious with. That’s confusing. Then you have all the emotional issues because of Birgit and Becky and her abortion.”

Pia was quiet for a moment, and I said nothing, allowing her time to think.

“Honestly” she continued, “I don’t know what to do. The problem is, I love you and I want to be with you. But I don’t know if I want just a lover.”

“I’m not sure there’s anything more I can say.”

“No, it’s up to me now, to decide if I want you as my lover or if I should end it now before I fall even more deeply in love with you.”

“I remember you said if that happened, you would cry when I went home.”

“Yes, I did. Do you think somehow Fate could bring us together in the future?”

“It could. Anything can happen. But we can’t count on it or even expect it. You can’t wait on something that most likely will never happen. Most likely, I’ll go home and eventually marry Jennifer.”

“I know,” she sighed. “I know.”

We had long since finished two cups of coffee each. We got up and began walking back to the house. I took Pia’s hand, and she didn’t resist. We got back to the house and went to my room and sat on the bed cross-legged, facing each other.

“How do we figure this out?” I asked.

“I don’t know. It’s complicated. But I think everything is complicated with you.”

“That’s for sure,” I said with a weak smile.

“What do YOU want?” Pia asked.

“I have the same problem that you do. I don’t know. I’ve been searching for a couple of years, but I don’t even know for sure what I’m searching for.”

“Then how can you know when you find it?”

“That’s part of my search. To figure out how I can be the man I want to be — the husband and father I want to be. But that’s a long ways away. Before then I have so much to learn, so much to figure out! I guess the answer is that I’m searching for myself.”

Was that it? Did I just answer my own question? That what I was searching for was myself? It made sense. I wasn’t searching for me as I was now, but as I was meant to be. The man I wanted to be — husband and father — was inside me; I just had to find him. That’s what Jennifer was trying to tell me. That’s why Birgit pushed me like she did. Now I knew what I was searching for!

“What just happened?” Pia asked. “You have an odd look on your face.”

“I think I figured out what it is I’m searching for.”

“What is it?”

“I’m searching for myself.”

“For yourself? I don’t understand.”

“The person I need to be is inside me, and always has been. I need to get my head and heart in tune with each other! I need to understand why I do what I do and, most importantly, I need to understand what it truly means to love someone. It’s something I have to do, but others can help. So in addition to searching for myself, I’m searching for people I connect with who can help me. There are different kinds of connections. We talked about that a couple of months ago. The connection I have with you is different from the one I have with Jennifer or Stephanie.”

“Stephanie? Your sister?”

“Yes, I have a serious connection with her. She gives me advice and usually it’s pretty good. She told me to stay away from Becky and predicted something bad would happen if I didn’t. She’s been right about other things as well. I share everything with her.”

“That’s amazing!” she said. “And Jennifer, of course, I understand what you have with her.” She paused, and said softly, with apprehension, “So what am I to you?”

“You are, and will always be, a dear friend and a lover. You are someone who helped me when I was hurting and can help me in the future.”

“But you don’t love me, do you?”

“I’m not saying those words to anyone now except Stephanie. That love I understand. I’ve said ‘I love you’ to far too many people, and it’s caused so many problems in my life. I have very strong feelings for you, I’m comfortable with you. Until I figure out who I am and what love really is, I have to be very, very careful.”

“This is so hard,” she sighed.

“Yes, it is,” I agreed.

“So what do we do?”

“Well, we can be lovers or we can break up and possibly be friends. I don’t see any other possibility. I can’t promise you anything about the future.”

“I don’t want to break up,” Pia said softly, taking both my hands in hers.

“Neither do I.”

“What do I do with Johan?”

“That’s up to you. If you want him as your boyfriend now, then I guess we’re done, by your rule and my rule. If you want him as a lover now, and he’s OK with that, then I’m OK with it, too. Or you can try to wait like you did with your other guys. I guess it depends on if you think he’s the right guy for you.”

“I have no idea who the right guy is; at least not yet. I’m not even eighteen and I’m not even sure what the right guy is supposed to be like, though he’s probably something like you. I guess I’m searching, too. But unlike you, I can’t be sleeping with two different people.”

“Then you have to choose,” I said softly.

“I know,” she sighed.

We sat in silence for several minutes, holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes.

“Steve?” she said softly.

“Yes, Pia?”

“Make love to me, please?”

I kissed her gently on the lips a few times and then gave her a longer kiss. Our lips parted and our tongues met. I moved my hand to her hip and lightly ran my fingers up and down her side, and she put a hand on my shoulder. We got off the bed and I shut the blinds, slowly removed her clothes, and then mine. I laid her on the bed and then got on top of her soft body and began kissing her.