Chapter 7: Friends Again

June 1978

Wednesday at work was tough. I hadn’t gotten much sleep and the random terrible thoughts kept entering my mind as I went about my tasks. Jennifer wasn’t able to make it for lunch, so I ate alone. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, either at work or at home. I made sure to write my thoughts, especially the dark ones, into my journal. My dream that evening was about Jennifer, and resulted in soiled sheets. I took that as progress.

Thursday morning was my second visit to Doctor Mercer. I brought along my journal, but wondered if she would want to keep it. I didn’t think she could read it fast enough to give it back. I decided I’d get a three-ring binder so that I could provide her with pages and not be prevented from continuing. I’d have to re-copy about a hundred pages, but that was OK. I could do it over time.

My guess was correct — she asked if she could keep the journal for several days. I told her about my proposed solution and she liked it. She’d return the journal on Tuesday.

“Steve, today I’d like to talk about the three relationships you said you destroyed.”

“Becky, Jennifer, and Melanie.”

“You only gave me a broad outline before. Tell me more about them.”

I told the story sequentially. She let me talk for about twenty minutes before interrupting.

“Just so I’m clear, you’re saying that Jennifer insisted that you have sex with Becky. You didn’t push the issue or anything like that?”

“That’s right. She knew I had placed sex off-limits with Becky, just like I had with her. Then Jennifer forced the issue and she and I made love. Then she insisted I go make love with Becky and call her afterwards. When I called Jennifer, she asked ‘Well?’ and I said that I loved Becky. That’s when Jennifer broke up with me, well, asked for time apart, I guess that’s what she said.”

“OK. I just wanted to clarify. Go on.”

I finished the retelling and about how we were all talking again because of Birgit’s death, and my attempts to reconcile with all of them.

“OK. So you are not having sex with any of them now, is that right?”

“That’s right. All three of them want to. With Melanie, I won’t because she has a boyfriend. That was the thing that wrecked our friendship, as I said. With Jennifer and Becky, it’s because I’m afraid of what it means and how it might hurt them.”

“Are you having sex with anyone?”

“Well, I did with Mary. She was a, I don’t know, sex buddy, for a few months. No romance and certainly we didn’t love each other. But we liked having sex. She has a new boyfriend, but they aren’t exclusive. When she heard about Birgit, she basically tried to help me by making love to me. That’s was never her style, it was always just about pleasure. This time she was gentle and caring.”

“Did it help?”

“For a short time. But no, in the end, it didn’t really.”

“Well, I’d advise you to keep to your plan to avoid sex with any of the three that you talked about. Of course, you’re seeing Bethany, right?”

“Well yes, but that’s totally in the friendship realm, and I don’t know if it will ever move from that because of what happened to her.”

“You might want to discuss that with her at length.”

“Is there something I should know?”

“No, not at all. I don’t know for sure what she wants. You know she’s very fragile. We discussed that. But you should broach the subject with her. If she won’t talk about it or says she’s confused, just let it go for a while and ask again. OK?”

“Got it.”

“Last time we had a session, you told me you were dating other girls; is that still true?”

“Yes. I’ll be seeing Anna and Joyce. But there’s been nothing more than kissing with them. Well, and a shower with Joyce, but it wasn’t about sex. In fact, I didn’t even really see her.”

“You will have to explain that one,” Doctor Mercer said.

“She and I were talking. I cried hard for a long time. I was totally stuffed up and had a bad headache. I went to take a shower and was standing under the spray. She came into the bathroom, stripped, climbed into the shower, and washed my body. But it didn’t feel sexual at all. She even dried me off and dressed me. But I honestly never even looked at her. When I asked her what she was doing she said she was helping me the best way she knew how.”

“So no thoughts of sex at all?”

“None. Well, Joyce and I have always bantered about it and she’s implied that in the future it would happen, but I have the feeling it’s a long way in the future. It kind of reminds me of Becky and how scared she was the first couple of times she tried to make love with me.”

“If I understand the story, you turned Becky down at least twice.”

“Three times, actually. But I didn’t realize the first one was an attempt to have sex with me until much later when she explained what she’d been thinking. It’s kind of like Jennifer’s strip chess game — she intended to have sex, but then changed her mind.”

“And you’ve never pushed any of these girls to have sex with you?”

“No, Doctor, I haven’t. Pretty much they always initiate it and it’s always on their terms.”

“No wonder Bethany feels safe with you,” Doctor Mercer said. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. But given that you came to see me together, it’s probably OK. I’ll tell her I said that. Sorry again.”

“I already know that from when she asked me to hug her and hold her. She asked me if I could keep her safe.”

“And you said?”

“That I would do everything I could to keep her safe.”

“Good answer, Steve. You have a new assignment for next time. Write out what kind of relationship you have with each of the girls you’re seeing or friends with and what you want from them.”

“OK, Doctor, I will.”

“And, one more thing, try talking to your mom again. Just ask if she’s ready to talk to you, nothing more.”

“OK,” I agreed.

“See you Tuesday.”

I walked to work feeling only slightly better. I knew it was only the second session but I didn’t get anything from the Doctor that would help me. I kind of figured at some point she would start helping me solve the problems, but I figured it made sense to get me to talk about everything first. I hoped things would change.

Today they didn’t. My menial tasks were simply a time for my brain to run amok. I needed to find something to concentrate on. I didn’t even have Jennifer to help at lunch because we were going on our date tonight. I hoped she would help me stick to my plan rather than pushing for sex. Telling her that the Doctor had advised against it should work. Well, I hoped it would, anyway. I feared that Becky was going to be more of a problem.

My workday finished out like most days — making the rounds and re-stocking the display cases. Andreas had added bagels for the morning which had improved business, so I prepped everything for the morning before I took off my apron and went to meet Jennifer and Mrs. Block.

We went to the basement at her house and I saw the chessboard. A good sign.

“What have you got planned for tonight, Jennifer?”

“Well, I was thinking chess, dinner, ice cream, and a make-out session,” she said.

“Same as we did last time.”

“Well, I can think of something else we can do.”

“Jennifer, the same rules apply. And now it’s Doctor’s orders.”

“Wait, she told you not to have sex with me?”

“No. She advised me not to have sex with you, Becky, or Melanie. And I plan to stick to that.”

“Becky and Melanie?”

“I won’t have sex with them for very different reasons than I won’t with you. With you, I don’t want to ruin anything we might have in the future. With Melanie, she’s with Pete and so I simply won’t do it, and she knows it. She’s trying to talk Pete into letting her but I told him to stick to his guns.”

“Good for you.”

“Yeah. As for Becky, well, I just don’t see a future with her at this point. And if I did it, she’d take it as a commitment just like last time. I can’t do that again.”

“What do you mean, ‘at this point’?”

“Neither you nor I know how things are going to end up. I’m going to Sweden for a year. And I’ll be going to college. If you and I sort things out and get to a point where we’re a couple, and we stay a couple, then ‘at this point’ means never. But what if you and I don’t work out as a couple? Should I preclude a relationship with a twenty-five-year-old Becky if we somehow find ourselves together at that point?”

“No, I guess not. So you’re not telling her she has a chance in the future, are you?”

“No. Nothing like that. I’ll be her friend and I can’t promise anything more than that. Sure, that can be read to mean there’s a chance, but I’m not telling her there’s a chance. But it also wouldn’t be true that there is absolutely no chance.”

“Always the logical Steve. Perhaps a bit less Mr. Spock would be good.”

“Mr. Spock didn’t lose his temper and go all emotional.”

“Pon Farr”

“Of course YOU would think of that!”

“I would if you let me. But I know better. Let’s play chess, then we’ll have dinner. Then I want a hot and heavy make-out session!”

“You got it.”

I did better than on Tuesday. We each won as white then drew the third game. Of course, she wasn’t distracting me this time.

Dinner tonight was David’s Buffet. I liked it because I could take a little bit of everything and figure out what I wanted to eat more of. Jennifer did the same thing. We ate and chatted about my session with Doctor Mercer. I told her I wanted to stop at the drugstore and get a three-ring binder and some loose-leaf paper. Otherwise, I tried to keep the conversation as light as possible.