Chapter 6: Getting My Head Shrunk

June 1978

First thing Monday morning I called Doctor Mercer’s office to set up an appointment. She said she wanted to see me right away, and Bethany had told her about my work schedule, so she set up a 7:00am appointment for Tuesday. I asked dad about it and he said he could drop me off on his way to work. He’d have enough time to come in and sign the paperwork. From the doctor’s office, I would then walk to the deli. Jennifer’s mom would pick me up from work, and Jennifer and I would have our date.

The one steady relationship in my life was with the broom at the deli. We were never apart for too long, it never made demands on me, and didn’t care if I was with the rag, the mop, or inside the cooler. Oh, the other work tried to interfere, but I always came back to the broom! I made my usual pickups and then my lunch deliveries.

Jennifer showed up for lunch on Monday. I hoped it would be a regular occurrence. I asked her what she wanted to do Tuesday night and she suggested dinner and chess. I agreed. I needed to be with her and I needed to play chess. She said she hoped I could sleep better tonight and I told her I hoped so too.

I was getting better in the sense that I wasn’t crying as often, but I was certainly harboring dark thoughts. As much as I wanted to move my relationship with Jennifer forward, it was too dangerous to do that. I was still being tossed about in a stormy sea of emotions. I’d be curious to hear what Doctor Mercer said about that.

I worked until 5:00pm then pedaled home. I had a completely quiet night planned, with just a couple of phone calls to make.

My first call was to Becky. I let her know I was thinking of her and was looking forward to dinner. Would July 2nd be OK?

She ran to ask and came back. “Daddy said that’s fine. Can you stay late? Maybe stay over?”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” I said.

“You can stay in the guest room. I promise to behave.”

“The only way that can ever happen is if your dad calls my dad and gets him to agree.”

“I’ll see. If he does, will you do it? I want as much time with you as possible so we can talk. OK?”

“Yes,” I agreed.

My second call was to Anna. I told her that I had an idea, but it was a little wild. She was free to say no and I’d come up with something else.

“What is it?”

“Well, if you were OK with it, we’d go back to Melanie’s house and use her sauna.”

“I’ve never been in a sauna. What’s it like.”

“Hot. Steamy. And you sit in there naked.”

“What?!” she gasped.

“Yeah, that’s the normal thing to do.”

“This is a plot to see me naked, isn’t it?”

“Well, it wasn’t, but now that you mention it, we never did play that game of strip chess!”

“That’s true,” she said while laughing. “But wouldn’t Pete and Melanie be in there, too?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t think I can do that. The first time you see me naked we should be alone.”

“Is that an offer?”

“Wait, I, uhm, that didn’t come out quite right.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “We’ll have dinner and a movie. We can save the naked stuff for when your parents are out of town.”

Laughing, she said, “You’re bad!”

I spent some time writing in my journal, listened to the Reds on the radio, and finally went to bed. I dreamed of Birgit and me together in the future with kids, living in Sweden. The dream ended like a mirror shattering but I slept on. I felt OK when I woke up on Tuesday morning.

Dad took me to Doctor Mercer’s office. They met briefly without me, then he signed the forms, paid the office visit fee, and left. The receptionist ushered me into Doctor Mercer’s office.

We exchanged greetings.

“This will be different from our previous meeting,” Doctor Mercer said. “Different because it focuses on you. But, like the other meeting, the more honest and open you are, the better I’ll be able to help you. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” I said, nodding.

“Why are you here?”

“I’m scared of how I’m feeling. I’m upset because of Birgit. I’m upset because I wrecked three relationships. I’m having nightmares. I’m afraid to love anyone because I seem to always hurt them. I lost my temper badly with my mom. I’m having trouble sleeping.”

“That’s a lot of things. Do you know what might have caused them?”

“Me.”

“Well, if you accept responsibility for your actions, we will have an easier time. I have some ideas, but I’ll ask you, where do you want to start?”

“I want to start when I met Birgit at the beginning of Eighth grade. And that’s when I lost my virginity.”

“Were those the same event?”

“No. If it’s OK, I’ll just tell you the story.”

I began talking and she let me talk for about fifteen minutes without interruption. I gave her the basic details of everything that had happened.

“How do you feel about this older woman?”

“Lucky. I don’t feel like I was taken advantage of, or anything. I wanted to do it. I really enjoyed it, and she was teaching me things I liked. I went back a second time so we could do it again!”

Doctor Mercer laughed, “OK. And when Birgit left, how did you feel?”

“A little sad, but the promise of the future was there. I knew I loved her with all my heart.”

“And when she went home, you started your relationship with her host-sister. And that one was just about sex?”

“Yes and no. I love Melanie. I’m just not in love with her. But we’re not having sex anymore, just so you know.”

“Can you tell me the difference between love and sex?”

“Well, when I had sex with Melanie it was fun, a lot of fun, when I had sex with Birgit it was deeper, more meaningful, special. Melanie and I clicked in bed, but neither of us saw the other as a potential mate.”

“You were thinking of those things at fourteen? They were important?”

“Making love with Birgit made me think of those things. Having sex with Melanie didn’t.”

The conversation continued for more than 20 minutes as Doctor Mercer mapped out the last two years of my life. I could see by her eyes that the Michelle/Melanie situation was a bit of a shock to her, but she said nothing about it.

“I have an assignment for you to do before you come next Tuesday. Same time, by the way.”

“OK”

“Keep a journal of your thoughts.”

“I’m already doing that. I’ll bring it next time, if you want.”

“That will be helpful. One more question — you said you were having trouble sleeping. Have you found anything that helps?”

I think she was probing for drinking or drugs or something like that.

“Jennifer.”

“What?”

“Jennifer used to be my best friend, as I said. I hope she will be again. That’s probably the most important relationship that I messed up. Sunday night I had her come over and cuddle me while I slept. I didn’t have a nightmare.”

“Your parents allowed that?”

“We were fully clothed and the door to my room was open. My dad reluctantly agreed when I asked him. My mom still isn’t talking to me.”

“We have a lot of ground to cover. Could you come two days a week? Maybe this Thursday at seven, as well?”

“Yes. I’ll see you Thursday at seven.”

“I’ll be waiting.”

I walked the mile or so to the deli and resumed my one successful, long-term relationship. I was still trying to figure out how I could sweep three times a day and every time find stuff on the floor or the sidewalk. It was one of the universe’s little mysteries. Kind of like where the socks in the dryer disappeared to — perhaps they were beamed to Klingon ships like Tribbles. If only the dirt and trash could be sent there the same way.

The menial work had been a blessing for most of the last year. It had given me time to think. But ever since Birgit died, it was torture. My mind would constantly wander and I had a harder time suppressing the troubling thoughts. Why was Birgit gone? How could the world be so cruel as to take her from me? My mind constantly wandered to what things could have been like, the children we might have had, and the things we might have done.

The sadness was abating, and was being replaced by anger that this could have happened and by my fears of being hurt or hurting anyone just by loving them. I could tell it was becoming an obsession and I struggled to fight it. I needed something to take my mind off of it. I’m pretty sure that’s what drove me to try to schedule so many activities and to be with my friends.

I snapped out of it when Andreas called my name.

“Sorry, Andreas, I was thinking.”

“I called you three times before you answered. It’s really bothering you, this death of your friend.”

“It’s not just that, Andreas. It’s that I hurt so many people close to me over the last year.”

“Being a teenager is hard, Steve, I know. But life will go on — and so must the deliveries. The orders are ready. Please make the usual pickups as well.”

I grabbed the bags and put them in the delivery saddlebags on my bike and pedaled off. I made the deliveries and the usual pickups. They weren’t ready at what I assumed was the brothel. I waited in the foyer while they put everything in the bag. I saw some of the girls as well. Nice looking, dressed very suggestively.

Another girl moved into view and my jaw dropped. I didn’t know her, but I knew who she was — a Senior from Milford High. Well, she had been, I guess. She would have just graduated. I wasn’t quite sure what to do, so I simply turned a bit to try to avoid her recognizing me. I exchanged gym bags, completing my delivery and making my pickup, and got out of there.

What was Stacey Nelson doing there? Well, OK, I knew what she was doing there if my assumptions were correct. School had only been out a few weeks and she looked very comfortable with the guy she was with. I doubted she’d only been there two weeks. Well, it was none of my business, really. I sure wasn’t going to ask about it!

I pedaled back to the Deli and handed the envelopes and bag to Andreas who took them into his office as he usually did. He shut the door and I knew I was in charge for the next half-hour or so. Jennifer wasn’t coming to lunch today because we had our date arranged. Her mom would pick me up, we’d go to her house to play chess, and then go to dinner. Plans after that were up in the air.

The afternoon went fairly quickly because I had a large order to work on. Checking and double-checking the lists to make sure I had everything right helped me focus on something other than my problems. I knew eventually my time with Doctor Mercer would pay off, but we’d barely even scratched the surface this morning. I’d just try to keep myself as busy as possible for now. And that meant chess and girls; and mostly girls. Of course, there would be a few baseball games.