Chapter 5: A Little Help From My Friends

June 1978

I was dragging when I rode my bike to the deli. The dream about Birgit had been disturbing and I couldn’t put it out of my mind. It was weighing heavily on me. What had she thought about at the end? Had her last thoughts been of me? That brought tears to my eyes again.

Work started as usual. Andreas knew the situation, so he didn’t bother me. He did check to see if I was going to be at the High School next year. I told him ‘yes’ and he said that he would talk to me towards the end of the Summer. I wondered what that could be about, but figured I’d find out in due time.

Just before my lunchtime, I made a delivery to some doctors and the lawyers that regularly ordered from the deli. When I got back, I saw a beautiful strawberry blonde girl who caused my eyes to light up, even in my depressed state. Jennifer was joining me for lunch.

I quickly made a couple of sandwiches, grabbed two bags of chips and two Cokes, and went to sit with Jennifer outside. She smiled brightly when I walked out. We said very little as we ate. Once we finished, the talk began in earnest.

“So how are you doing today?” Jennifer asked.

“Tired. I didn’t sleep well. I dreamed of Birgit and couldn’t get back to sleep.”

“Oh, uh, one of those dreams.”

“No. This was dark. I dreamed of her drowning and not being able to save her.”

“Oh no! That’s horrible.”

“Yes, it is. I’ve been having really dark thoughts and now a dark dream. Something is really wrong with me.”

“What kind of dark thoughts?”

“That loving people isn’t worth it; that caring if I’m loved is wrong. That trying to do the right thing doesn’t matter. Every single person I loved has been hurt by something I did, except Birgit, and she’s dead. Why should I care?”

“Oh my God, Steve! That’s not you! Not at all! This has really torn you up and made a mess, hasn’t it?”

“I guess losing Birgit was just the last straw. First you; then Melanie; then Becky; and finally Birgit. Everyone I love and everyone who loves me back. I’m afraid to love anyone. They all get hurt or worse, die.”

“You need to get some help, Steve. You can’t think like that.”

“I know it. I already got the name of a therapist and dad said it was OK to schedule an appointment. I’m going to call Monday. This really scares me.”

“Good. How can I help you?”

“Just love me, that’s all,” I said.

“You mean like walk over to the apartment and love you?” she said with a smile.

“Uhm, not yet. We’re not ready. If we did that now we’d run the risk of ruining everything.”

“Now that’s the Steve I know and love,” Jennifer said with a smile.

“Yes, but that Steve is fighting demons that want to overwhelm him. I just don’t understand why everyone I love is hurt, or, well, like Birgit.”

Tears were running down my face. Jennifer got up and sat down next to me and held me.

“I love you,” she said. “I’ll help you any way I can.”

“I know you will Jen. I want to ask you out on a date, but I’m not sure it’s a good idea right now. Would you come over tomorrow evening just to be with me? Come around 8:00pm and bring a bag. I may need you to hold me so I can sleep.”

“What about your mom?”

“If we have to sleep on the couch, that’s fine. Or on the floor. We’ll figure it out.”

“Whatever you need; anything.”

“Thanks,” I said with a smile.

Before she left she gave me a hug and just held me for a few minutes. She gave me a quick kiss and pedaled away.

I finished up the workday and pedaled home. I quickly showered and got ready for the outing to East Fork. I hoped I would be OK. Dad told me that Mrs. McGrath had called and wanted to know if I could work in her yard tomorrow. He had told her ‘yes’.

Spending time with Kevin and his friends was a lot of fun. Kevin dropped me at home around 9:00pm and let me know that everyone had agreed I should join them as often as possible. He’d let me know when the next outing was. The D&D group had more or less broken up last year after I moved so there was no game to join.

I had two messages — one from Pete and one from Melanie. I decided to call Pete first.

“Hey, Pete.”

“Thank you!”

“Ah, so it went well, did it?”

“I owe you one!” he laughed. “Holy crap!”

“So, not to be indelicate, but did she get you to walk down to dinner naked?”

“No, that was a bit much. But her mom did walk into the sauna to check on us.”

I laughed hard, “Welcome to the club.”

“And that thing, you know, the strange one?”

“Yeah, I know. And?”

“I couldn’t do it, man. She’s not mad. She was actually laughing afterwards, not at me, but about you pushing her to do it with me.”

“So, how are things?”

“I think we’re back together.”

“Excellent. I’m glad to hear that.”

“As I said, I owe you.”

“Did you guys discuss me?”

“Yeah. It’s an open topic between Melanie and me.”

“No problem, Pete. I will never violate your trust in any way. I know how to resist Miss Melanie Spencer. Just keep doing what you did this weekend and she’ll be fine. Don’t let her pressure you, though. You do what you think is right. And I’ll keep her at bay!”

We both laughed at that.

“Thanks again!” he said.

“Hey, are you interested in double-dating with me and Anna?”

“Sure. Set it up!”

“You’re a good friend, Pete. I’m glad things worked out.”

“Me too,” he said. “Me too!”

“I never asked, where are you headed in the Fall?”

“Ohio State. Criminal justice program.”

“Cool!” I replied. “Can I ask you something else?”

“Sure, what do you need?”

“Two years ago, there was a party with the football team. Do you know or can you find out who took Bethany Krajick, home from that party?”

“The cheerleader Bethany?”

“Yes!” I answered hopefully.

“I remember now, it was Josh Benton. He bragged about bagging her for a week. Why?”

I tensed up at that, but kept my voice calm, “Just curious. I’m kind of seeing her. Thanks.”

I called Melanie next.

“So, how far did you push him today?”

Of course, I knew the answer, so I was more or less testing her.

“Oh!” she laughed, “Way, WAY out of his comfort zone. We made love in the Sauna like you and I did, and mom walked in like before. He kinda freaked out more than you did, but he was OK. Same bubble bath. He chickened out on walking downstairs naked and I couldn’t get him to agree to, well, you know. But we laughed about it.”

“So?”

“Yeah, we’re back together. He changed a bit today.”

“I told you.”

“You did. So are we OK now?”

“Yes,” I said. “We are. We still need to talk some, but we’re OK now.”

We hung up. I called Jennie and confirmed that she would take me to her house from church and bring me home. She had told my dad she’d need me all day and would feed me lunch and dinner and would have me home by seven.

Finally, I called Anna and told her that we could double-date with Pete and Melanie if she was available, otherwise, I’d see her at the end of the month. She suggested the 16th and I told her I’d make the arrangements. I asked what she wanted to do. And she said anything I wanted. I didn’t detect any playfulness so didn’t take that as an offer.

I pulled out my journal and wrote my darkest thoughts. I hoped that getting them onto paper would help. I’d probably share them with Doctor Mercer. I locked it away, got undressed, and fell into bed, hoping for a dreamless night. It didn’t happen — the demons returned.

Sunday I woke to the alarm. I had managed to get back to sleep after the nightmare, but slept fitfully. I was going to be tired. Not good with a full day of yard work ahead.

I spoke to Dad again about the therapist and said I was going to call first thing Monday morning. He told me that he’d have to come with me to sign the forms. I said that I’d make arrangements to get there. He said to let him know if I ran into trouble and he’d see what he could do, based on his work commitments.

I told him about the nightmares and that I had invited Jennifer over that evening and most likely I was going to cuddle her all night. We’d keep our clothes on and sleep on the floor in the living room if necessary. He was concerned that even that might provoke Mom, but the nightmares worried him, so he reluctantly agreed.

Mom still wasn’t ready to talk, and actually balked when I said I was going to church. My dad pointed out that she had demanded I go and I was going. She huffed and didn’t say anything further. I hoped he had told her about Jennie, but I wasn’t counting on it.

Church was church. It never really changed much. I guessed it wasn’t supposed to. Jennie sat next to me, and I didn’t see Kent. I wondered if he was out of town again or if they didn’t come together because she and I were getting together to talk.