Chapter 33: Resolving a Core Issue

November 1978

I woke up Monday morning feeling uneasy about everything. The last week had brought to the surface some kind of problem with Jennifer. I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong. I knew she was unhappy with Melanie. Her visceral reaction to Melanie was similar to her original reaction to Becky. It made me wonder if the same would come for Joyce at some time. What would I do in that case?

I could understand better if Jennifer hadn’t refused my offer of a promise ring. I had offered her to be exclusive, and I was sure that I could keep that promise. I understood her desire to let me have freedom in Sweden. I was driving myself crazy again. I kept analyzing my situation over and over and couldn’t make heads or tails out of it.

I went to swim laps before school, hoping that it would help clear my head, but it didn’t work. I took a long hot shower which also didn’t work. I got on bus #8 and sat in my usual seat. As the bus made its rounds, I went over and over what had happened over the last two years. And I kept coming back to one thing. I couldn’t accept that analysis and tried other lines of attack. They all led to the same point.

Something was wrong with Jennifer and Melanie. What was the difference between Melanie and Becky? And then it dawned on me. Now I knew what was bothering her! What scared her! We had even talked about it. At lunch, I asked Jennifer to talk privately. I knew school was a bad place to do it, but I wasn’t able to concentrate on anything and needed to talk to her.

“Jennifer, we need to talk.”

“About what?”

“Why you’re OK with me having sex with Becky and not Melanie? Why you have such a visceral reaction to Melanie?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Come on Jen. You basically told me to screw Becky silly and do it until she couldn’t walk. When Melanie asked for the same thing, you freaked out. Both of them said they loved me. Becky still hopes for a relationship down the road. Melanie is actually willing to settle just for sex, but would like a relationship. What’s the difference?”

“I don’t know, it’s just different,” she said softly.

“I can tell you what it is. What it is that scares you; what really freaks you out.”

“Can you really?”

“Melanie scares you because you like it when you two are together and kiss and stuff. Not only do you like it, you want to do it. And thinking about it turns you on in a way you can’t handle. You’re freaked out by it.”

She started crying, and I knew I was right.

“Jennifer, truthfully, did you like it?”

“Yes,” she whispered.

“And it scares you.”

“Yes,” she whispered again.

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“So your response to your fear was to lash out at Melanie.”

“Yes. And she tried to kill herself because I did.”

“Right now, blame isn’t what it important. Helping Melanie is.”

“I still feel guilty.”

“Jennifer, she’s alive. Let’s help her. But let’s help you, too.”

“Help me?”

“Yes. Figure out how you can be Melanie’s friend and not be afraid. She needs us as friends.”

“But what about my desire to do stuff with her?”

“I seem to recall a similar conversation between us about me and my sister. You think I’m not scared about that? Scared out of my mind?”

“You’re scared?”

“Terrified! What if I hurt her? What if it ruins our relationship? What if it harms her psychological state? What if we get caught?”

“But you’re going to do it, aren’t you?”

“Yes, Jennifer. I am. Because despite all the fears, all the concerns, I love Stephanie. And if that’s what she really, truly wants, I’ll do that for her.”

“Wow. I’m impressed. I figured that no matter what you said, when push came to shove, you would refuse.”

“I can’t. Just like you can’t with Melanie.”

“What?”

“You love her, don’t you?”

“Yes,” she whispered.

“Then don’t cut her out of your life. I’m not telling you to do stuff with her, but don’t lash out at her because you’re afraid. Would you let me lash out at Stephanie because of my fears?”

“No.”

“And you’re not leaving me for her?”

“No! Of course not!” Jennifer said, surprised.

“OK. So, can we fix this with Melanie?”

Jennifer sighed.

“Yes. We can. We can fix it!” she said firmly, “Let’s get Larry to take us after school. We’ll fix it.”

I felt a lot better. Now it was a matter of getting my friend healthy. I found Larry, and he agreed to drive us right after school. I called home and told dad and he said it was OK.

We arrived at the hospital to find Mrs. Spencer with Melanie. I asked the nurse to have her come out.

“Mrs. Spencer, I think I can fix most of the issues if Jennifer and I can see Melanie together for about ten minutes. Can you get permission for that?”

“How?”

“We know the source of the problem that pushed her over the edge. She’ll still need help to find out why she tried to kill herself, but I think we can solve the thing that pushed her over the edge. We’re pretty sure that we can fix our friendship.”

“Give me a few minutes.”

She went to the nurses’ station, and they called the staff psychologist’s office. The psychologist came up and talked to me. I explained that we were the ones who had upset her so badly, had realized it, and that we both needed to apologize to her and let her know we loved her. She gave us permission.

We walked into the room.

“Hi, Melanie, I brought someone to see you.”

“Jennifer?” she said, frowning. “Why?”

“Because we both need to apologize to you. And Jennifer needs to explain something to you.”

“Apologize? Why?”

“Melanie, I’m sorry I lashed out at you,” Jennifer said. “I shouldn’t have done it. We can fix this.”

“How?”

“First off, you get well. Second, you go to Prom with Steve. Third, you have my permission to screw him silly on Prom night.”

“What?!”

“Melanie, I freaked out because I liked kissing you and all that other stuff. And it scared me. I’m sorry. If you want to fuck his brains out, do it. But you have to get healthy first.”

Melanie’s eyes were almost bugging out as she took in what Jennifer had just said. Even though I’d talked it over with Jennifer, how would Melanie react?

“Really, Jennifer?”

“Yes, Melanie. And we’ll talk. The three of us. We can figure this out.”

Melanie beamed, the clouds on her face disappeared in an instant.

“I’m looking forward to Prom,” I said.

“Thanks, Steve. Thanks, Jennifer,” she whispered.

“We should go. We have limited time in here together,” I said.

“OK.”

“I think you can have what you wanted last time.”

I leaned over and gave her a gentle kiss on the lips. Jennifer looked at me and I nodded. She leaned over and kissed Melanie on the lips.

Melanie looked radiant.

We walked out.

“Doctor, I think you’ll find her attitude completely changed.”

“What?! Let me go talk to her. Wait here, please.”

“OK,” I said.

“When we’re done here, I need to go somewhere private with you!” Jennifer whispered.

About 20 minutes later, the psychologist came out.

“That’s the most amazing turnaround in attitude. She still has issues, especially with the suicidal thoughts as a response to emotional trauma, but you two restoring your friendship with her has been a big step. I think we can work on the core problems now.”

“Thanks, Doctor,” I said.

I called Dad from a payphone and told him I was having dinner at Jennifer’s and her mom would bring me home.

“Jennifer, let’s go to your house, OK?”

“Sure! I’ll call my mom and make sure it’s OK for Larry and you to come to dinner.”

She made the call, got a positive response, and we headed out. Once dinner was over, Larry left and Jennifer and I went to the basement. I had thought we’d end up in her room, but I guess she wanted to talk.

“Let’s talk,” she said.

“Sure,” I agreed.

“How do we move forward? How do we know the right thing to do?”

“All we can do is do our best at any given moment. Look at how many mistakes we make. But in the end, we find the right thing to do. Remember my struggle with hurting people? And how you told me not to stop trying to love people? Well, that’s all we can do. Try to do the right thing, fix any mistakes and move on. That’s what I do. And I mess up all the time.”

“I remember you said that at one point, you could only do the right thing after doing the wrong thing. That’s a horrible way to live.”

“Yeah, but it’s life. I’ve learned that. You can’t avoid hurting people. It’s impossible. I tried. Birgit tried to avoid hurting me by not doing anything about her feelings and that hurt me, and we lost about eight months of a possible relationship. I ended up hurting both Becky and you by trying to avoid hurting you.”

“That sucks,” Jennifer sighed.

“It does. But what’s the alternative? Melanie’s solution?”

“NO!”

“Exactly. I had a few months of therapy to help me get past Birgit. And look at all the crap I went through. And I dragged you through it with me.”

“No, I went willingly; you didn’t drag me.”

“Yes, you did. And we went willingly to help Melanie. It’s not going to be pretty despite her attitude change today. There’s something deeply wrong with Melanie that is going to take a professional to find and help her with. I went willingly to help Bethany through her situation. I spent most of that time walking through mine fields and stepping on land mines. And yet, look what happened.”

“Yeah, you did your magic, screwed her silly, gave her some orgasms, and she’s now a normal person dating a Junior!”

“As if it were that easy. Oh, and she gave as good as she got in the screwing department!”

“Wow! And you know I’m teasing.”

“This is hard Jennifer. We have friends who have problems. WE have problems. We have to deal with them. I don’t care to discuss the alternative to not working on the problems.”

“Can we discuss me?”

“Yes.”

“Why am I afraid?”

“The same reason I am. Life presents us with scary situations all the time. We’re teenagers with very few experiences. But you know what? Even adults are afraid.”

“Like?”

“My mom is afraid that I’m growing up. She’s scared to death of that. Melanie’s parents are afraid that Melanie might try to kill herself again. Becky’s parents are afraid she’s going to pine for me forever. Your parents are afraid we won’t last. And so on. And those are just SOME of their problems. I’m sure they have problems with their relationships, their friends, and their work.”

“True.”

“And I already told you how scared I am of the situation with Stephanie; just like you’re scared of the situation with Melanie.”

“So what do I do?”

“I can’t answer that for you. There are two choices, do it or don’t. But don’t blame Melanie for how you feel. I have the same choice with Stephanie, do it or don’t. But I can’t lash out at her or blame her for how I feel.”

“True. You’re really going to make love to Stephanie? You really have decided to do what she asked?”

“Yes, Jennifer. I don’t see any reasonable way to turn her down. I’ll deal with my fears. They’re mine. She’s absolutely sure that’s what she wants.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because I let her know I knew what she wanted. And she knows that I’ll do it when she asks.”

“Oh my God!”

“Wait, I thought you said it was beautiful and I shouldn’t worry about what other people think?”

“I wasn’t objecting. I just thought you would let your fears stop it. Can you help me get past my fears?”

“Do you want to? Really want to?”