Chapter 17: Renewal

July 1978

I woke early as normal on Wednesday, swam my laps, showered, and ate breakfast. Stephanie and Vickie were up just before I left. Vickie gave me a big smile and Stephanie just shook her head. I got my bike from the garage and pedaled to the deli. As soon as I walked in, Andreas called me to his office. This only happened when something was changing.

“Steve, we’re going to start opening an hour earlier. And I will have more things for you to do. Do you have a friend who would like a job?”

I thought quickly. I wondered if Kim Smith would be interested. I had heard from Kevin she had her driving license.

“I know someone. She used to be my neighbor before we moved.”

“See if she can come in to talk to me.”

“I’ll call her later this morning.”

I quickly set out the bagels and Danish and started coffee brewing. Then I grabbed the broom and started on my routine. I started thinking about how I wanted to resolve the situation with Jennifer and what I wanted from our relationship. And what she wanted from it as well, besides the obvious.

The experience of trying to balance Jennifer and Becky told me that I could only give my heart to one person at a time. Birgit had it. I gave parts of it to the other two as part of her plan. It was a mistake of epic proportions that had hurt Becky and Jennifer. Becky and I were through.

What was I willing to give up for Jennifer? Anna? Yes. She was fun, and the sex had been good. But I could see that turning into another Becky situation. Even with our discussions, I thought she might move that way. I should break it off, but I didn’t want her to think I got her cherry and then was dumping her. Maybe the double-date wouldn’t work out and I’d have more time to let it die down.

Joyce? Well, Joyce was apparently happy with an occasional thing. I didn’t see her wanting me as a boyfriend. Would I give her up for Jennifer? If push came to shove, yes, I would. But given the nature of the relationship, I could honestly tell Jennifer that it wasn’t about love.

Bethany was a completely different story. She was working up to something, and I was pretty sure what it was. Given her emotional state, there was no way I could predict how she would react to anything that happened. I would have to draw a clear line and make our relationship only about friendship. I could not lead her on.

Mary and I were pretty much done, in my estimation. Becky and I were done. Vickie wanted me again, apparently, but she wasn’t ever going to be a relationship of any kind. Would I be able to stick with only Jennifer? Or would I want some fresh blood now and then? Would Jennifer allow that?

The real wild card was Melanie. Did I want to get back into a relationship of any kind with her? Yes, Jennifer talked about a threesome and I’d do that once to make Jennifer happy, but did I want that kind of thing with Melanie again? Long-term, was it causing her problems? She compared all her guys to me. I was afraid that was going to happen again in the future. I didn’t want to interfere with her relationships, but it appeared that I was just by being me, even if I refused her.

I was still planning on taking my trip to Sweden, which meant that Jennifer and I would be apart for a year. How would that affect us? I was sure she wouldn’t try to hold me to an exclusive relationship while I was gone. I wouldn’t hold her to one either, but I knew her well enough that she would not have sex with anyone unless she was sure we were done for good.

Perhaps the right approach was somewhere in between. If Jennifer was truly my soulmate, then in the long run, we’d be together. I had told Becky that it was very far in the future, and the same was true with Jennifer. What mattered was how Jennifer saw things and what Jennifer wanted. I had to find that out before I could decide.

No, all of that thinking was off. It was off, because for Jennifer I would put everything on the table. Nothing was out of bounds, and nothing was non-negotiable. That was the difference between her and Becky. With Becky, the one thing I would not do was make a permanent commitment. For Jennifer, I would. Foolish as it might be, I would.

I’d ask her what she wanted. And I’d do it.

I called Kim around 10:30am. She was interested and would drive over in the afternoon. I let Andreas know and I also let him I had a few other options if Kim didn’t work out.

Jennifer showed up for lunch as promised. We didn’t talk much, but it was nice just being together. I did tell her that I’d be ready to talk to her tomorrow night when we played chess. She was coming to my house because I’d be at hers on Sunday. I hugged her when she left and started on my rounds, making the deliveries and pickups.

I was supposed to see Anna and Joyce before Sunday. I kind of hoped that Anna fell through. Joyce, I wanted to see, at least one more time, and I’d talk through things with her. Of course, there was the added complication of Don Joseph. I’d also see Bethany on Sunday to ask her out on a date. That might be a bad idea, but I’d talk to Doctor Mercer about it tomorrow.

After Jennifer left, I called Melanie and asked her to come by after dinner tonight so we could sort things out. I had some things I needed to say to her.

Kim showed up around three. She hadn’t changed much, though she did look less like a tomboy, having finally developed a little bit. It was good to see her. She went to talk to Andreas. I hoped it worked out. I watched the shop and waited on several customers while they talked.

Andreas let me know that she’d start on Monday. That was good, because I had Summer School the next two weeks. I’d only work from one to four, rather than start at eight. I told Kim I was happy we’d be working together. She was happy to have a job. I told her I’d see her next week.

When I got home, I went to find Stephanie.

“She said it was great! She liked it. Enough to want to do it again.”

It was not the usual first time, but if she wasn’t complaining, I guess it was OK then.

“Well, that won’t happen soon, if it happens at all.”

“Sure it will. You can’t resist. If you could, you would have said no.”

“You are a real pain in my butt, Squirt, but I love you.”

“Love you too, Big Bro. And I also know you very well.”

“That you do.”

I went to put on shorts and a t-shirt. I let Dad know that Melanie was coming over after dinner. Dinner was ready a few minutes later, and we ate. I told Mom and Dad that Becky and I had broken up on Sunday and that I wouldn’t be seeing her again any time soon, if ever. Jeff smirked and looked like he was going to say something, but Dad stared him down. I silently thanked Dad with my eyes.

I did the dishes and cleaned-up the kitchen before Melanie showed up. Stephanie helped, which was nice. I went to wait in the living room. Stephanie tagged along and we chatted. I asked her about Ed and she said she had fun with him, but she wasn’t looking for a boyfriend. But she would be happy to go out with us again if Ed came along.

When Melanie arrived, we went to the deck to chat. We pulled chairs close to each other so we could talk quietly without anyone overhearing us.

“Honest, open talk, OK?” I asked. “Like we used to have?”

“Yes, of course,” she agreed.

“I want to fix our friendship, but there is a big impediment. One that only you can fix. You have to figure out what you want in life and you have to figure out how you’re going to have a successful relationship.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Ever since you made love with me the very first time, you’ve compared every guy to me. Stan, Mr. Florida, Pete, your college guy. Every one of them failed to live up to your view of me. Let’s talk through them.”

“Why? Why are you doing this?”

“To help you. You helped me. My turn to help you.”

“I don’t see how this helps, but for you, I’ll do it.”

“Start with Stan. Tell me why you broke up with him.”

“You know why. Don’t make me do this.”

“Tell me, Melanie!”

“Because the sex was terrible. Once I did it with you, I knew what it was supposed to be like. I wanted to keep doing it with you.”

“Isn’t that the source of most of your issues?”

“I guess.”

“And Pete? What happened there?”

“I made a mistake. I was flirting like I always do, and I let it get out of hand.”

“Flirting and blowjobs are two seriously different things, Melanie. What made you do that?”

“I guess I wanted some adventure, something exciting, something naughty. And Pete wasn’t able to give that to me.”

“And did you get it?”

“No. Instead, I ruined my relationship with Pete.”

“So then you tried to use me to break up with Pete. But he surprised you by giving grudging approval. You knew that he wouldn’t like it and hoped he’d end it. But then I refused you. And you broke up with him and sent me away.”

“Yes, and I ruined my relationship with you.”

“Do you want a long, term committed relationship now?”

“No.”

“Then why try to be monogamous with Pete?”

“Because he wanted it and I wanted him.”

“That sounds very similar to what happened with Becky and me, you know? The difference is I refused her. You should have refused Pete if you didn’t want it. But you know what, I think you did. You met Pete and before you had sex with him, you cut me off. I never put that requirement in place. You could have dated him and still kept your appointments, so long as he didn’t think he was your only guy.”

“But I didn’t want it.”

“Your actions say differentLY, Melanie. We talked about this when you were helping me sort out Becky and Jennifer. I made a total mess of it. Now I’m trying to pick up the pieces. I’m starting by trying to figure out what I want. I’ll ask Jennifer the same thing. I asked Becky, and that’s why we broke up. You have to figure out what you want. And be honest with yourself. Do you know?”

“I do. I want to go back to like it was.”

“I’m not sure that’s possible if you mean pre-Jennifer.”

“I do. And you might be surprised what Jennifer wants. She and I have talked. She’ll tell you. And I think she’s being honest, but you’ll have to judge for yourself.”

“You have to know that I don’t believe there is any chance of a long-term, romantic relationship with you now, or in the future. You would be content with being my friend and having sex now and again? What do you want out of life? Surely more than that!”

“I do. But that’s way in the future. I want to go to college. Then I’ll be ready to settle down. Until then, I want to have fun. I want you to be part of that. I know we aren’t going to be boyfriend and girlfriend now, probably never, as you say. I may find that person in college, I may find them after college, but until then, I just want to have fun.”

“And if I’m not interested? Or Jennifer isn’t willing to share me? Her offer could be a one-time thing. Even if it’s not, maybe I want to be exclusive with her.”

“You? I don’t believe it.”

“Believe it. If that’s what it takes to fix my relationship with Jennifer, I’ll do it. And I’ll be happy to do it.”

“No, you won’t. You’ll be miserable. And something will happen, eventually, that will cause you to violate that promise and then any possibility with Jennifer will be gone. Just like me and Pete. Don’t promise something you can’t keep.”

“I think I can keep it.”

“Don’t kid yourself! You can’t. I know you well enough, and you know I know you. Let me ask you this, would you stop seeing Bethany if that’s what it takes?”

“Yes. And Joyce. And Anna. And Mary, though we’re done, at least for now. I already broke up with Becky to clear the way.”

“I think you’re going to get hurt if you do that, and hurt Jennifer. You used to listen to me!”

“I did,” I growled, “until you couldn’t contain your damn sex drive and broke Pete’s heart and violated his trust! And then tried to blame me for it and wrecked our relationship. Why the hell should I ever listen to you again? You lied to Pete. You lied to me. No, I don’t think I will listen. Not now. Not until you earn my trust back!”

She broke down in tears. I was harsh, and I knew it, but I needed to get through to her. I let her cry. She got control of herself after a few minutes.

“I’m sorry. I really am!” she pleaded between sniffles, “I did all those things you said. I want to fix them. I really, really do! Can you forgive me and give me a chance?”

“Yes. Absolutely, there’s never been any doubt you have the chance. But I’m not the real problem now, am I?”

“No.”

“Call Pete. Admit clearly and openly what you did, that you violated his trust, that you lied. And see if he responds positively. He might not. But then again, he might. It could take time, but until you go to him and admit everything and take responsibility, there’s no chance to fix it. And it will make it harder for me to trust you.”

“But I talked to him already!”

“Yes, you told him what you did and probably said you were sorry. But did you say it in a way that he would believe you?”

“No, I guess I didn’t.”

“Then do that. If you can do that, then we can put our relationship back together. I want to be able to trust you Melanie.”

“I want you to trust me, too. I liked what we had, even after Jennifer. I’ll take that if it’s all I can get. OK?”

“Melanie, make your peace with Pete, even if you can’t fix the relationship. I did it with Becky. We parted on very good terms despite the circumstances. See if you can do the same with Pete.”

“I will,” she said, sounding committed. “Thanks for talking bluntly to me.”

“It’s the least I could do. You do it for me!”

I walked her to the door, hugged her, and watched her drive away. I went to write in my journal, waiting for Anna’s call. It came around 9:00pm. Her sister wasn’t interested in a double date right now. I told Anna I was sorry, and I’d see what else I could work out. She took it pretty well. I hoped I could let it wither due to distance and lack of ways to get together. It was for the best, in the long run.

I called Pete and told him that Gina wasn’t ready to go on a date yet. He was cool with that and told me to keep him in mind. He said he’d asked someone out for Saturday and I wished him luck.

I finished writing in my journal and read for a couple of hours before going to sleep. I had another peaceful night’s sleep, dreaming of my friendship with Birgit.

After my usual morning routine on Thursday, I went to see Doctor Mercer. We talked about my anger issues and I told her I had talked to most people about them. I was feeling better. I still had heartache, but I wasn’t having nightmares. She said that she was happy I had made progress, but warned me not to be surprised if something set off the emotions out of the blue.