Chapter 14: The Becky Situation, Part I

July 2, 1978

Mr. van Hoek was alone, which I had suspected might be the case.

“Can I hear your side of what’s going on?” he asked as he pulled out of the driveway.

Becky and I hadn’t coordinated stories, which meant the conversation could be really, really dangerous. That said, I felt the worst thing that could happen was that he turned around and took me home. I wouldn’t have to face Becky in that case; he would.

“Well, Mr. van Hoek, Becky and I are in different places right now, I think. Did she tell you about my friend in Sweden who died?”

“Yes, she did. It seems you were very close with that girl.”

“Yes, Sir, I was. And maybe sometime far down the road we would have been together. But that was probably only wishful thinking at this point. At first it impacted my relationship with Becky, but later on we had dealt with it, I guess.”

“That’s what she said, too. That you were reluctant at first because of this Swedish girl. She also said you never lied about it or hid it from her.”

“No, Sir. I was always honest with Becky about Birgit, that was her name. The real problem between Becky and me is that she wanted a long-term relationship right now. I mean, she had done everything but pick out a wedding dress. And that was just too much too fast for me.”

“Did you know this before you took her to bed?”

“She and I discussed it. I was as clear as I could be on the matter. It seemed to me that she understood that I was willing to date her, to be her boyfriend, but I couldn’t make a lifetime commitment at age fourteen.”

“She said the same thing.”

“Well, when she started pushing me to not see any other girls at all, and to not try to fix my friendship with Jennifer, who had been my best friend, and not fix my relationship with Melanie, another friend who also happens to be my Spanish tutor. I pushed back. I could actually give up dating other girls and be Becky’s boyfriend, but I couldn’t give up my friends.”

“She was threatened by them, you know.”

“Yes, Sir. I know that. I had told her about them beforehand. My mistake was not seeing through Becky’s words into her heart. She was saying what she thought I wanted to hear so she could get her way. I think she figured that if she could get me to go to bed with her, then she would get her way. I wish I had seen it, but I didn’t see the signs. We had a spat, and that’s when we agreed to some time apart.”

“That’s pretty close to what she told me as well. Let me ask you, did you intend to resume your relationship at the end of that month?”

“Sir, to be honest, probably not. She has needs I can’t fulfill and I have limits that she can’t accept. When Birgit died and Becky came over, she and I talked it all through. Neither of us knows what the future holds, but for right now, I don’t think we can find a compromise situation that would work.”

“That’s what she said as well. But she also said you agreed to talk it through and discuss everything today.”

“Yes, Sir, that’s true. We’re both pretty realistic at this point, and I hope we’ll find a way to stay good friends, at least. I can’t absolutely say I won’t have a future with Becky. I know she’d want one with me if I could provide it. Maybe in five or six years we’ll be at a point where we can realistically discuss it. Or maybe we’ll both meet other people. We’re only fifteen.”

“Son, I still say I’d like you for a son-in-law. I don’t mean that to pressure you at all, just to say that your willingness to talk openly and honestly to me about this is pretty impressive. But, you’re right. You’re both only fifteen. I wish you had waited for the physical part of your relationship. That would make things easier, you know. At this point, though, there’s no way to undo that.”

“Yes, Sir. I told Becky we had made a mistake by doing it. It’s a mistake that can’t be undone and now we have to deal with it.”

“She pushed you into it. She pushed very hard. The fact that you resisted her on a couple of occasions is a sign that you were thinking about it, not just rushing headlong into sex. A sign of maturity.”

“Thank you.”

“Becky talked to her mom and me about tonight. She asked for something that I think is a bad idea, but she insisted and made her arguments. In one sense, it’s water under the bridge. But I also trust you to do the right thing. I’m not saying that you need to do what I want you to do; but do the right thing for Becky and you. Do you understand?”

“Not really, but I’ll always do what’s best for Becky and me. What I need to do is talk to her. At length.”

“That’s what she wants as well. We’ll discuss it further at home.”

“OK.”

We rode the rest of the way in silence. I wondered what Becky was up to. If what her dad told mine was the entire story, then I didn’t see how Becky and I would have a lot of time to talk alone. I was missing something.

When we arrived, Mr. van Hoek said to put my stuff upstairs. I grabbed everything and took it to the guest room. I hung up my garment bag and tossed the gym bag on the floor next to the bed. I was a bit surprised Becky hadn’t been at the door. I went back downstairs to see where she was.

I found Mr. and Mrs. van Hoek in the sitting room, so I joined them. A few seconds later, Becky walked in. She squealed and ran over to give me a huge hug. We sat on the loveseat, but we didn’t cuddle as we had in the past, because it didn’t seem right to me, given our current circumstances.

“Daddy, is it still OK?” she asked.

“Yes, it is. I’ve talked to Steve and I’m satisfied he’s been honest with you and with me. So, yes, it’s fine.”

I didn’t say anything because I had no clue what she had cooked up. I felt the best plan was to just keep quiet until I found out.

“Let’s take a walk, OK?” Becky asked me.

I got up and followed her into the garden. She took my hand, and we walked hand-in-hand for a bit.

“Have you decided what you want to do?” she asked. “Where this is going? If you’ll make love to me one last time?”

I knew for sure where it was going — the end of our relationship. But I felt I at least owed her as much talking as she wanted. After all, despite it being unlikely, she and I might someday get together. I liked her enough to not want to foreclose things forever, but because I couldn’t make a commitment, I had to end things now.

“No,” I said. “I haven’t decided anything for sure. We have a lot of talking to do. Until we do that, I can’t say for sure. And that goes for all three questions.”

“Do you want to fix this? Or are we just wasting time?”

Another one that was tough to answer. So I pushed it back a bit.

“I guess it depends on what you mean by fixing it.”

“I don’t know what I mean for sure. I guess you’re right. We need to talk it through to even figure out what’s possible.”

“So what’s the plan? When do we leave for dinner?”

“We don’t. Daddy and Mom do. And then they’re going to the play. They also gave Lois the afternoon and evening off. We can have the whole house to ourselves to figure things out. There’s stuff we can make for dinner if you want, or we can just order pizza.”

I chuckled, “Now I understand what your dad was getting at.”

“He told me he had to talk to you in the car before he would give final approval. They do have extra tickets for the play in case he decided that we had to go to dinner and the play with them. He did tell me that he wasn’t giving us license to spend the entire time in bed, that we were to use the time to talk and figure things out.”

“That sounds good, actually.”

“Of course, he didn’t forbid me from doing it, either,” she smirked.

I laughed, then said, “That’s the Becky I know and love! Let’s leave the sex question for later. OK?”

“I suppose, though I was thinking as soon as they leave, we just do it and get it out of the way. Then we can talk. And do it again. And talk. And do it again!” she said, giggling the whole time.

She sounded like Jennifer now! Both of them were more or less out of control. And both seemed to have moved from lovemaking to sex. I wasn’t quite sure what had happened.

“Rebekah van Hoek! I’ve agreed to talk. I suppose I’ll have dinner with you. But until we talk, let’s drop the pressure for sex, please?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Who starts?” I asked.

“I will, if that’s OK.”

“Yes, that’s fine.”

“It all starts with one thing: I love you. With every fiber of my body, I love you. Nothing will change that. If things end today, I’ll still love you. If things continue, I’ll love you. When you left last time, I wanted to hate you. I couldn’t. Then when Birgit died, and I came to you, I realized how much I loved you and knew I would never stop.

“I have to confess that after you told me Birgit died, I had really nasty thoughts. I thought that was my chance because she was out of the way and you could be mine without reservation. And coming to your house, I brought those necklaces because I wanted to put them back on. But it didn’t work out that way. I was really unhappy that Melanie and Jennifer were the people you got comfort from first. I was actually angry that you wanted to fix your relationships with them, because that could get in my way. I was at my bitchiest.

“I’ve realized in all of this that you are the nicest guy I’ve ever met. I’ve also realized that it was my bitch personality that was showing through. I knew what I wanted, and I was going to get it, no matter what. I wanted you. And I wanted you on my terms, with me in total control. I thought I could use sex to do that. I thought that from the very first time you came here.

“Remember how I said I fell for you at the chess meet? That’s totally true. The teasing annoyed me ‘cause you were beating me at my own game. When you accepted the rematch, it threw me for a loop, and that’s when it hit me that I liked you. Then we talked on the phone and again you were super nice. When you suggested strip chess, I wanted to accept right away. I didn’t because I was afraid.

“You were nice to me the whole time, even when you were teasing me. Then, when there was a chance, I thought I could get you to have sex with me and you would be mine. But I was so afraid. I would have done it, too. But you stopped. That floored me. I was there half-naked, and you stopped. I knew then and there you were an amazing guy.

“The more we talked on the phone after that, the more convinced I was. I knew there were other girls in your life, but nobody special except Birgit, and nobody permanent. I invited you to New Year’s with the intention of having sex with you. I totally didn’t think about birth control, but I was so desperate to claim you that I told you I didn’t care. Again, you told me ‘no’.

“When we got caught, you were so calm and collected. You handled Daddy like he was putty in your hands. After the timeout, you were amazing in the way you dealt with him. It was perfect. I was so confused, but once I understood, I knew you would win him over. Then when you refused to make love to me again, that time when I was naked, I was so frustrated. I was afraid Jennifer was going to win.

“Then when we finally did it, I was so happy. You and Jennifer broke up right after that and I saw my way clear. I knew Birgit was there, but she was so far away. That’s when I started to pressure you. I thought I could keep you all to myself. Forever. And I blew it.

“I wasn’t honest with you. I wasn’t honest with myself. I was in full bitch mode to get what I wanted. I just didn’t show it to you. Now I’ve ruined everything. I couldn’t be happy with what I had. No, I had to have it all. I had to have what I wanted, when I wanted it, and in the exact way I wanted it.

“And then it dawned on me. A bitch like me doesn’t deserve you. I don’t hate you. I love you. One thing I’m sure of, I’m done being a bitch. It was an act, but it ended up taking over my personality. No more. I hope you’ll forgive me and we can somehow reset and move on.”

I just stood in silence, contemplating what I’d just heard. So many things made sense now. Oh, I had known part of it, in fact most of it, but when she laid it all out like that, there was a clarity to it that I’d never seen before. I was now on the horns of a very bad dilemma. My resolve to make the break-up permanent and basically cut off contact, at least in the short term, was evaporating. I needed to buy some time.

“Becky, let me process all of that before I respond. I just need to think a bit.”

What would a relationship with Becky look like? Could she handle something a bit more casual than she wanted? What about Jennifer? Would she accept me seeing Becky from time to time? I had no idea. But the first thing I had to do was confess just like she did.

“Becky, I love you deeply. That hasn’t changed. That’s what made it so hard to ask for the time apart. I’m not sure I would have made the whole month without talking to you if I hadn’t needed to call you when Birgit died. When your dad enforced the first timeout, my heart ached. I suspect that would have happened again.

“But I have a confession to make. I know you know some of this, just like I knew some of what you said. I came here on Thanksgiving with the intention of getting you to take your clothes off so I could have casual sex with you, if I could convince you. You were this cold-hearted bitch that needed to be taught a lesson and I was going to teach you. In the process, I was going to get to screw a stuck-up rich girl. And then brag about it.

“Honestly, if you hadn’t been afraid, I would have done it and probably never called you again. When I saw how nervous you were, I felt guilty. I realized that I was being just as mean and nasty as your reputation said you were. But you know what? I didn’t see that. I saw an innocent girl whose hormones were driving her wild, but who was scared to death to actually do what her body told her to do. I realized I liked you and didn’t want to hurt you.

“Then we started talking. I found out you were sweet and innocent, and I began to fall in love with you. I liked being with you a lot. Then on New Year’s, you offered yourself to me again. I was so tempted, but I realized that getting you pregnant would be a disaster. When we got caught, I had to protect you and find a way to see you again. Like I said, my heart ached while we were apart.

“You tried so hard to make love with me again, but you still were so nervous that I thought it would be a disaster. I loved you so much by that point that I couldn’t do it. That was about the time that Jennifer started pushing me to decide how I felt about you. Eventually, she basically ordered me to make love to you, and then come back and talk to her.

“After we made love, I went home and called Jennifer. She asked if we had done it and I told her ‘yes’. Then she just said, ‘And?’ and I told her I loved you. She broke up with me right then and there and hung up. She wouldn’t talk to me other than saying ‘Hi’ at the lunch table until the day Birgit died.

“I was trying to have everything my way. Birgit was my long-term partner, you and Jennifer were interim lovers that I cared deeply for and loved in a way different from I loved Birgit. Neither you nor Jennifer were satisfied, and I lost both of you. Melanie and I had a falling out. Birgit died. Every single girl I loved was gone.

“I was sad. First, I was sad about Birgit. Then I was angry; angry with myself. Angry with you and Jennifer for demanding something I couldn’t give. Angry with Birgit for dying. Angry with God for allowing her to die. And angry about a lot of other stuff.