Chapter 10: Three Letters

June 19, 1978

I slept reasonably well despite the dream and despite the knowledge that the letters would likely arrive while I was at work. I did my usual morning routine with shower and breakfast, checked the pool, and unloaded the dishwasher, something that was usually Jeff’s job. Dad was going to drop me at work instead of me riding my bike, because the girls would be bringing me home.

Unfortunately, things weren’t busy at the deli and I had a lot of time to think. Too much time, really. I was dwelling on the letters as well as my other problems. I knew I’d have to find time to have a heart-to-heart talk with Bethany, but I didn’t know if she was ready for it. We’d crossed some kind of line, and I needed to make sure she knew who I was before we crossed any further lines.

Jennifer did come for lunch which was a bright spot.

“I called Melanie back and made her tell me,” Jennifer said. “I can’t believe she did that!”

“Please don’t be too harsh,” I counseled. “I more or less did the same thing to Becky. I had sex with girls and went out with them without telling her about it. Yes, I know we weren’t exclusive, but I kept it secret. It was part of what wrecked our relationship.”

“I guess, but it’s different. Melanie had made her commitment to Pete.”

“Yes, she had. And then she tried to solve her problem by seducing me so she could use me as an excuse and not have to tell Pete.”

“That’s pretty low.”

“Again, don’t judge too much. She’s confused just as much as I am. She made a mistake. The only questions are whether or not she can admit it and whether or not Pete can forgive her. I don’t know if the answer to either of those is yes. But I know if she doesn’t come clean the guilt is going to eat her alive, just like it did me with Becky.”

“I think she’ll tell him, eventually. But I don’t know when. What will you do when she comes to you in pieces because they broke up?”

“The same as what you both did for me — pick up the pieces.”

“You’re a good friend,” Jennifer said, then asked, “Would you have sex with her?”

“I think that would be a supremely bad idea. Not as bad as doing it with Becky, but bad.”

She made a face.

“Sorry Jennifer, but it’s true.”

“So doing it with me is better?”

“You know that! I want to. I need to. I’ve almost given in a couple of times to you. But please help me on this. I need to get things sorted out before I do something like that.”

“Even if it were just sex?”

“Could it ever be just sex between us?”

“Maybe. What if we invite Melanie?”

I almost fell out of my chair.

“Jennifer Block! You once told me you would never do anything like that. Ever.”

“And if I changed my mind?”

“We’d have to have a long talk. All three of us. And I still probably wouldn’t do it.”

“Why?”

“Please don’t get mad, but if I have sex with you and it’s ‘just sex’, would you be OK with me having sex with Becky if it were ‘just sex’?”

“If you having sex with her one more time is what it takes to get you back in my bed, then go fuck her brains out!” she giggled.

“Jennifer! You don’t talk like that! Listen, it’s lunch; we can talk tonight, assuming I’m still in condition to talk or even function at a basic level. If not, then it can wait a few days.”

“OK. But I’m deadly serious. Becky, Melanie. Everything.”

I wasn’t going to survive. I knew it. I was glad I was seeing Doctor Mercer in the morning. When we finished eating, Jennifer left and I went back to work. The afternoon went too fast, mostly because I didn’t want it to.

The girls arrived at 4:00pm as promised.

“I talked to Pete,” Melanie said, sounding sad. “I told him. He was really upset. I don’t know what he’s going to do. He’s going to call me tomorrow.”

“Well, he didn’t break up with you, isn’t that a good sign?”

“I’m not sure. I told him and he said ‘Please leave, I’ll call you tomorrow.’ That doesn’t sound promising.”

“Talk to him tomorrow and see.”

“I will.”

When we arrived at my house, I found what I expected. Two letters. I wanted some privacy to read them. I went to find Dad and told him about the letters. I told him I wanted to read them in my room with Jennifer, Melanie, and Stephanie there. I needed the privacy and if he could suggest somewhere else, I’d be happy to do that. He offered his office and I accepted his offer.

Jennifer went to get Stephanie and they came back a minute later. Stephanie shut the door. We all sat on the floor in the middle of the room. I looked at the two envelopes, dreading opening them, but I knew I had to.

“I’m going to read her mom’s letter first, OK?”

All three nodded.

I carefully opened the envelope and extracted a single piece of paper.

Dear Steve,

Please excuse my poor English compared to my daughter. I write you because I know she loved you much. She spoke of you almost every day and was looking forward to see you next year. I know you are sad, but she would not want you to be so sad.

I know you are aware of her and Jonas. But they were more as friends than lovers. Please do not think she ever thought about anything in her future except for you. She told me always about her dreams for you.

Birgit had asked her father and me if you could stay with us if you were accepted to YFU. We said yes. This was the last thing we talked to her about before the boating trip. You are still welcome with us. Her father and sister and I would like it. If it is not possible or it is too difficult for you to stay with us, then you must please visit us.

Thank you for the love you showed our daughter. She loved you very much. Please call us any time.

Annika Andersson

I had tears streaming down my face when I set the letter aside.

Melanie sighed, “Oh my!” and hugged me.

Jennifer and Stephanie did the same. But we all knew the other letter was the one that was going to be the problem.

I picked up the letter from Birgit. The last one I would ever read; her last words to me. I was sobbing and couldn’t manage to open the envelope. I handed it to Stephanie, who carefully opened the seal and extracted the letter. She handed it to me.

“Can you read it, Big Brother?”

“Yeah, Squirt, I can. But I’ll read it to myself and then all of you can read it.”

“OK, Steve.”

I unfolded the paper — the same stationery she always used — and began to read.

Käre Steve,

I am writing this brief letter after we finished our telephone call. I was so excited to hear your voice. You know I love you more than anything. Every time you call me, I am happy for days. Every letter I receive I read many times. Mom knows I’ve heard from you because she says I am bouncing off the walls! It’s because you make me so happy.

When you thought of the possibility of staying with my parents, I had to ask them as soon as I could. Of course they said yes. I asked if you could stay in my room with me, and they laughed. They were sure I would want that and would not take no for an answer. They were correct! Of course, we would tell YFU that my sister Karin and I would share the room and you would have Karin’s room.

I can’t imagine what it will be like to make love every night and wake up in your arms every morning. It will be like being married! I love you so much and just want to be with you. We can go to school together, do everything! I hope you want this too!

This letter is brief because I’m going sailing with Jonas. He is a wonderful friend and yes, I have kissed him, but nothing more. You are still the only one who has been inside me. And I will keep it that way, I think.

Remember, I love you and it is now less than one year until you will come to live with me! I’m so excited, älskling!

There’s an ABBA song with these words:

‘Your smile and the sound of your voice; And the way you see through me; Got a feeling, you give me no choice; But it means a lot to me;’

It’s a song called ‘The Name of the Game’ from ‘ABBA: The Album’. Listen to it and think of me!

All my love — Birgit

“Love isn’t easy, but it sure is hard enough.”

I dropped the letter onto the floor, and broke down. Jennifer came to hold me.

“Oh Birgit,” I sobbed, “Birgit, Birgit. Why? Why?”

Jennifer just stroked my hair saying “Steve, we love you.”

I’m not sure how long we were there. Eventually, the girls helped me to my feet.

Stephanie said, “Let’s help him to his room.”

The other girls helped me up and walked me through the house to my room. One of the girls turned down the bed and they got me to lie down. Hands removed my shoes and socks, then my belt and jeans, and finally my shirt. They tucked me into bed.

“You going to be OK, Big Brother?” she said softly.

“Yeah, I guess,” I sobbed.

“Let me go tell Mom and I’ll come back and sit here with you.”

Jennifer and Melanie waited for Stephanie to come back and then each kissed me and said they would talk to me tomorrow before they left. I heard Stephanie settle in the bean bag chair.

“Squirt, tell Mom I don’t want dinner, OK?”

“I will Steve. Just rest. I’m here if you need me.”

I had no idea how long I lay there. Eventually, I had an urgent need to pee. I got up and went into the bathroom, emptied my bladder, blew my nose, and washed my face. I felt a bit better. When I came out, I saw that Stephanie was still sitting there, just watching me.

“You OK?” she asked.

“Yeah, I think I’ve finished crying for now. I’m just afraid of the nightmares that are going to come.”

“You know I’m here if you need me. We ate dinner a little while ago. I was only gone a few minutes. Do you need anything to eat?”

“No, I’m not really hungry. I’m going to write in my journal.”

I pulled some shorts and a t-shirt out of the drawer and put them on. I sat down at my desk and started writing. I poured out my emotions on the page. I was surprised I wasn’t crying, but maybe I really had cried myself out.