Chapter 8

My romance with Nat has proceeded slowly. My sister, after less than three weeks, was having Amos stay over in her bed regularly and I could hear their activity. I had stayed at Nat's apartment once and slept in the same bed with him but hadn't been sexually active with him. I had not had sex with anyone since before Brian vanished. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. Beth and Amos had just left for the day and Nat was coming over to take me out this Saturday.

He knocked and I let him in, giving him a light kiss. I said, "Nat, I want to talk to you. I feel that I could and can now and will be able to be honest with you."

I could see him tense. He asked, "Should my name become John?"

"No!" I said it vehemently. I continued, "You are the one person who I can trust and talk about anything with. I value that and have been valuing that while getting my head straight after grieving for Brian and changing my outlook on the world and how I interact with it. Next Monday, I start at the college with my duties. I want to continue to see you and I want our relationship to develop."

Nat breathed a quiet sigh of relief. No one else would have noticed it but I did.

I said, "If I had gone out with you before Brian vanished, we would have been in bed by no later than the second time out. As it is, I have slept in a bed with you once and we didn't have sex.

"Nat, you have been patient and caring with someone who's history doesn't deserve that level of patience and caring. I appreciate it. If you want to do me or have me fuck you blind, I will do it just out of gratitude. On the other hand, I hope you can be patient."

I held up my hand to stop him from saying anything. "I have learned to care for you and depend upon you emotionally over these weeks. You are truly a great guy and there is no 'but.' I am falling for you and I never planned on falling for anyone. I used men as they used me. With you, I have tried to be different for two persons' sake. First, mine. I wanted to determine if I could learn to care about a great man without jumping into bed with him as soon as the opportunity presented itself. Second, yours. I didn't think you were the type of guy who wanted a 'friends with benefits' relationship.

"Nat, I'm not saying this well. What I mean to say or want to say is that I want our relationship to move further and into intimacy. I enjoy your body against mine. I adore your kisses. I feel safe and comfortable in your arms. I want more. I hope you are interested in me that way and like what I have termed the 'new me' as we have talked and been together. At some point soon, I want us to make love." I stopped talking and looked at Nat anxiously.

Very gently, he pulled me into his arms. "We'll wait until both of us are sure we are making love.

"Shirley, I knew your history as you call it but I sensed something had changed in you or or we would not have been together. At one time, I tried to tell myself that I was just watching over a friend's sister but I try not to lie to myself. I won't lie to you." He sighed.

"I told you once that I have always had a crush on you from when you were barely a teen. You have had some painful growing times but you're a full-grown woman now. I'm in love with who you are and are still becoming. I'm glad you think there might be a place for me in your life and I will try to continue to deserve it."

Nat might have said more but I was sobbing and kissing him so that he couldn't get a word out. We finally broke enough of our clinch to sit down on the sofa. I finally got my act together and wiped my eyes and blew my nose. I said, "Nat, please don't talk of deserving me. I am the one who moved up by dating you."