Chapter 93

Present – Ben, Jens and others – The trip

Things are going great on the run. Even the drone backed off so it’s no longer bothering me. We’re running on a frontage road adjacent to I-25 when some stupid fucker stops without pulling completely out of the traffic lane and begins to yell at Mira and Ira, “Hey babes, how about you come over here? I promise to show you a good time you will never forget.”

Unfortunately the stupid fucker let his hormones override his judgement and he forgot he was on an Interstate highway. Some cars swerve around him with their tires screeching, then the inevitable happens: Someone plows into the ass end of his car. It’s impressive as hell because the car that plows into him almost flips over. This starts a chain reaction accident with multiple cars running into the mess.

I look at Jens, Mira and Ira and command, “We need to get the fuck out of here before the police show up!”

Ira agrees, “Yes Mr. Blaine, it would not be virtuous to be detained by the constabulary.”

We turn around and haul ass back toward the semi and the trailer but when we arrive where we left the semi it’s fucking gone!

I look at Ira and ask, “Where the hell is our ride?”

Ira takes a radio off her belt, and calls the semi, “Tommy or Johnny, this is Ira. What is your current location?”

Johnny replies, “We decided to drive down I-25 for a short distance to save time.”

Ira angrily says, “Johnny, this was not our order! We need you now at our drop-off location! How far down Interstate 25 are you?”

Johnny apologizes, “We’re about ten miles ahead of you. Sorry, we didn’t think you would mind. We’ll turn around and be right back.”

I motion for the radio, take it from Ira and order, “Johnny, you will never make it back here. Mira and Ira’s costumes caused a huge accident on I-25 so the southbound lane is totally blocked and the northbound lane is...” I stop because I hear more noise from a crash. I look over and see the fucking lookie-loos caused a crash in the northbound lanes. I continue, “The northbound lanes are now also blocked, we’ll run toward you guys on the frontage road.”

Johnny gives us good news when he says, “We’re on the frontage road ourselves, so we’ll turn around and hightail it in your direction.”

We turn around head south and I’m running almost as fast as I can run. I complain, “The next time we go for a run, all three of you are going to wear BDUs.”

The three of them giggle and I continue, “There’s nothing funny about this!”

Jens announces, “Ben, why are you so angry about this?”

That’s a good question! I think about it while we’re running and finally answer, “Jens, you’re right. I’m not sure why I’m so angry about this. Forgive me you three.”

Jens sprints past me, slaps my ass and says, “That’s the Ben that I know and love.”

I catch Jens and say, “You’re going to pay for that!”

We run past the accident site on southbound I-25 and Ira announces, “Mr. Blaine a member of the constabulary seems to be motioning to us.”

I look over and see a highway patrolman motioning for us to come towards him. I swear, “We’re sure as hell not stopping for that son of a bitch.”

We arrive at the semi where Ira and Mira crawl underneath the trailer, get the hatch open and are gone. Jens and I are next. We’re no sooner in the trailer than it begins to move as Ira announces, “The drone device has been recovered however a constabulary vehicle is approaching.”

I move to the control panel and see the front mounted camera shows a highway patrol car coming toward the semi. The patrol car pulls across the road and I state, “If he wants to look in the trailer, we’re fucked now.”

Jens says, “I hate to tell you my husband but you’re wrong.”

Jens, Ira and Mira head to the back of the trailer where Jens climbs up on a short stool and pulls down a rolling door. She turns, smiles at me and says, “Now if they open the trailer door, it will look like it’s full.”

I guess they thought of everything. The semi stops and Johnny has keyed the mic to the trailer so we hear the state trooper demand, “I want to see your load.”

Johnny complains, “Our trailer was sealed at the factory. You will need to get a warrant to have it opened.”

We watch on the external cameras as the trooper and Johnny walk to the back of the trailer. Johnny shows him the seal on the door, the trooper nods his head and walks back to his car. Johnny gets back into the cab and says, “Well that was a close one. It’s a good thing Thom had the seal placed on the door after you four got in the trailer, otherwise we would have had to open it.”

Tommy says, “Let me turn this rig around and we’ll be back on the road in almost no time.”

Turning around was easier said than done because the traffic from I-25 had been rerouted down this service road. We finally turn around and Jens says, “I’m, starved what’s for breakfast?”

I smile at her and say, “Well, with us moving cooking is out of the question...”

Mira interrupts, “ ... Mr. Blaine we have a large selection of frozen toaster device food available and an even larger selection of military Meals Ready to Eat.”

I reply, “There’s no way in hell I’m having an MRE for breakfast, so toaster device food it is.”

Mira takes me to the freezer, shows me the food and I can’t believe it: Mira understated the amount of frozen breakfasts we had.

Jens comes over and says, “I want the pancake sandwich.”

Mira and Ira offer, “Mr. Blaine we would be cheerful eating one of the Meals Ready to Eat.

I complain, “Like hell I’m going to fix Meals Refusing to Exit for you two when we have such a great selection of frozen breakfasts.”

Ira asks for clarification, “Mr. Blaine, what is a Meal Refusing to Exit.”

Jens provides the answer, “Mira and Ira, that’s what we called Meals Ready to Eat in the Marines because they had a tendency to make you constipated.”

Ira replies, “The Russian military meals were superior to the American meals, especially the dried fish.”

I give Mira and Ira a dirty look and declare, “I hated the fucking dried fish because it was too salty.”

Ira laughs and says, “Mr. Blaine sometimes I cannot comprehend your statements.”

Mira adds, “Yes Mr. Blaine, we would fight over the dried fish. What I wouldn’t give for some dried fish right now.”

I say, “And a beer or three or four to accompany it.”

Ira longingly says, “Yes a great Baltika beer would be excellent.”

I reply, “I do agree some of the Baltika beers were good but others tasted like horse piss.”

Mira giggles and teases, “Mr. Blaine, how do you know the taste of horse urine?”

Jens giggles and says, “Ben, Mira and Ira stop goofing around, I’m hungry.”

They select their meals and I grab mine. We head to the microwave and begin to heat up our breakfasts...

Present – Samantha, Stacy and Inga – Stacy is a RPITA

Inga and I are trying to figure out a way to keep Stacy from obsessing on Ben and Jennifer when my phone rings. I check and it’s Stacy so I answer, “Hi Stacy what did you need?”

Stacy confronts me, “Samantha, why aren’t you covering the news story about Ben and the bitch?”

I ask, “What news story?”

Stacy yells into the phone, “Samantha, the motorhome they were in has been destroyed by the terrorists. Turn on the fucking TV and watch it.”

I hang up on Stacy, turn on the TV, flip it to KOA Denver and sure enough, there’s the Arakawa woman doing a report on how the motorhome that Ben and Jennifer were in was destroyed.

My phone rings again and this time it’s Liz, she orders, “Samantha get to Denver and cover the destruction of Ben and Jennifer’s motorhome.”

I frown at Inga, begin to cry and say, “Sorry Inga I have to go and cover this sad story. I can’t believe that Ben and Jennifer are dead.”

Inga gives me a strange look and says, “I don’t think I would become too worried about the fate of the motorhome.”

My reporter instincts kick in and I ask, “What do you mean?”

Inga motions me close and confides, “Samantha, you can’t tell a soul but Ben and Jennifer weren’t on the motorhome.”

I blink my eyes in amazement, wipe away the tears and ask, “Then where were they?”

Inga prepares to confess when Stacy, John and Vic run into the restaurant and Stacy orders, “Come on Sam, we’re taking the chopper to Denver.”