Chapter 5

Present – Jen – at Glacier Park

Liz called and told me she was on her way and asked me to meet her at the landing zone. I walked out of the trees (where I had been hiding and spying on Ben and Stacy – I trusted Ben but I sure didn't trust that bitch) and Ben surprised the hell out of me when he ran over to me, gave me a huge hug and a kiss that ... Well, it made me weak in the knees and disturbed a certain sensitive part of my anatomy. I couldn't believe he gave me such and incredible kiss because I still hadn't brushed my teeth!

Then Ben shocks me even more when he picks me up twirls me around and loudly announces, "I've missed the hell out of you!"

He sets me down, I stumble from the kiss and the twirling around and Ben grabs me before I fall. I smile at him and ask, "Ben, what has gotten into you?"

Ben smacks my rear (which I don't really care for because it hurts) and announces, "Love! Jennifer Donaldson - I L-O-V-E you!"

I'm not really sure how much of this is the truth and how much of this is a show for the bitch Stacy, but I'm sure as hell not going to complain if Ben is letting the bitch know that she's lost! I smack Ben's rear as hard as I can (unfortunately his rear is like steel and it hurts the hell out of my hand) and I suggest, "Ben, save it for our honeymoon."

Ben looks like he thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, I need to talk with Liz to make sure she packed your bag for the honeymoon."

My curiosity is piqued so I ask, "What exactly does she need to pack for the honeymoon?"

Ben laughs and answers, "I hope she brought your best cold weather gear."

Shoot! That was not the direction I hoped for our honeymoon. Why, Oh Why did I let Ben choose the place for the honeymoon?

Present – Stacy – at Glacier Park

When Jennifer Donaldson came out of the woods, Ben made a spectacle of himself with her to prove to me that he really loved her. Hell it was so bad I was actually embarrassed for Ben. It makes me even more sure that his marriage to the bitch isn't going to last and I can be there to – well, pick up the pieces.

I smile at the two of them and tell a lie that I am sure will condemn me to hell, "Wow Ben and Jennifer, I never knew how much the two of you loved each other until this moment. Jennifer I hope there are no hard feelings between us; I am Ben's friend and would love to be your friend."

Jennifer separates herself from Ben's overt and excessive physical display of affection, walks over, shakes my hand and says, "Stacy, I do hope that you and Ben can remain friends."

Yeah, that's exactly what I thought: She is snubbing me and relegating me to just be Ben's friend. That's okay; I can always use one of Bill's plans to eliminate her later if I need to.

I decide I need to change the subject so I ask Ben, "How is Patches?"

Ben blushes and answers, "Sorry Stacy, Jens interrupted me. I will take a look at her immediately."

Ben leaves to check Patches so I glare at Jennifer and give her an evil smile...

Present – Jen – at Glacier Park

I can tell that even with Ben's crazy display of love for me, this isn't even close to being over with Stacy. The bitch must somehow see something that I don't because when Ben leaves to check Patches, she gives me this diabolical look and smile that chills me to the bone. After that she leaves me to check on Patches (and I'm sure mostly to be with Ben). I want to rip the bitch's arms off as she touches my Ben on the shoulder...

I even consider checking on Patches too, just to continue to perturb Stacy. But then I hear the sound of several helicopters, look up and it appears the cavalry has arrived. I recognize Liz in the window of the first chopper, wave at her, she waves back and the chopper lands...

Present – Liz – at Glacier Park

I can tell, even from this distance that something isn't quite right with Jens. Perhaps it's the smile on her face or perhaps something else of which I'm not really aware. Hell, perhaps it's women's intuition or perhaps it's nothing at all and I'm imagining things.

The chopper lands, I wait for the rotors to stop, then I exit the chopper with a bunch of people. One of the first individuals out is the wedding dress designer and he certainly 'swings the other way'. He sashays up to Jennifer takes one look at her and demands, "I cannot work with her until she has taken a shower, had her hair done and been given a manicure and pedicure. I do not know how you people expect me to function in these primitive conditions."

I walk up to him and remind in a whisper, "You might want to tone it down some 'honey' as this is already being televised." I direct his attention to Samantha and the cameramen I sent with her. He whispers to me, "Thank you Lizzy my love, I need to correct my faux pas." He walks toward Jennifer sporting a new attitude and says, "How is my blushing bride, let's get you pampered so I can fit and tailor your dress."

He begins to lead Jens away - how he knows where the hell to go I have no idea. I walk up beside Jens and ask, "Okay Jens, what's wrong?"

Jens looks at me and responds, "It's that obvious? I hope Ben can't tell."

I smile at her and answer, "Don't worry; it was only obvious to me. So tell me, what's wrong?"

Jens looks at me, bites her lower lip (I know it's bad because this is a sure sign of a major problem) and confesses, "Liz, I sure as heck don't like that Ben invited Stacy, Miranda and some other woman named Margarita to our wedding."

I knew about Stacy but I didn't know about the others. I take a moment to analyze the situation then I purposefully laugh and answer, "Jens, I am shocked that you don't understand."

Jens demands, "Understand what? That Ben is hedging his bets with me?"

I want to physically slap the shit out of Jens but she is the bride so I only verbally chide, "Jens, you might not know or understand this, but Ben is showing anyone and everyone, especially those three women you mentioned, that he is off the market."

Jens asks, "Are you sure"

I laugh and answer, "Of course I am sure! Ben is a very logical man isn't he?"

Jens replies, "Yeah, sometimes entirely too logical."

I continue, "So tell me why he invited them? It sure as hell wasn't to aggravate you or to put you on the defensive. They only logical explanation is he wanted to permanently close the door on them. Hell Jens, you should feel lucky that he's doing this. I wish Bernie would do this for our wedding."

Jens looks at me with obvious hope in her eyes and wonders, "Liz are you sure about this?"

I laugh at Jens and ask, "What do you want me to do? Cross my heart or pinky swear."

I'm shocked when Jens answers, "How about both."

So I cross my heart and I pinky swear with Jens. She appears to feel better and I advise, "Jens, it's normal for the bride to be nervous on her wedding day."

We get to the campsite as Jens confesses...

Present – Jen – at Glacier Park

We arrive at the campsite, the obviously gay dressmaker begins to command the others that have come and I confess to Liz, "Liz, I still really can't believe this is happening - that Ben and I are finally getting married."

Liz reaches out her hand and pinches the heck out of my arm. I snatch it away from her and complain, "What the heck was that for!"

Liz laughs and says, "Jens, you need to realize this isn't a dream! If you go through with the ceremony you and Ben will be married. Is that what you really want?"

I can't believe Liz asked me that! I do control my temper some but explode a little (and even swear), "Liz how in the hell can you ask me that! I have been waiting to marry Ben my whole life and you know it."

Liz laughs loudly and answers, "Then Jens, enjoy this day because it's your and Ben's special day. And stop the hell trying to analyze everything."

I decide Liz is right. This is our day and I need to enjoy it.

The dressmaker commands, "Okay my blushing bride, the first thing for you is a good shower."

He rushes me over to the portable shower which someone has set up, forces me inside and says, "Don't worry about the terrible clothes you are wearing, just toss them out of the shower and we will burn them."

I complain, "Hey, those are some of my favorite clothes, please don't burn them."

He insults me by saying, "Oh well there's no accounting for taste. I guess you're more butch than most of the women I work with. But we are here to make your day special so we will save your terrible clothes."

I turn on the shower, jump because it's fricken cold and complain, "The shower is cold!"

The dressmaker says, "Yes, that's the way I wanted it. We need to keep you cold so you don't start sweating and ruin your dress."

I continue to complain, "Well if I look like a Smurf bride it will be your fault."

I begin to wash up and he demands, "I forgot to tell you, do not wash your hair just wet it down as we have a stylist here to wash, cut and set your hair for you."

I hate this abuse so I yell, "Liz help me! They want to cut my hair!"

Liz laughs and says, "Jens, I've been here listening the whole time. Enric is one of the best and has agreed to handle your look for the wedding. If he says your hair needs to be cut then it needs to be cut. Now stop being a baby about this."

I'm finished with my cold shower and ask, "Okay, what the heck am I supposed to wear."

A robe appears over the top of the shower and Enric orders, "Wear this for now."

I query, "What about underwear."

I should have known better because Enric says, "We match those to the dress so until then you can go au natural."

I step out of the shower and I'm immediately whisked away to the beauty therapists and the three of them start on my hair and my hands and feet.

I order, "I don't want my hair too short."

Enric countermands my order, he shows the hair dresser a picture (which I don't get to see) and orders, "This is how I want you to style her hair and her nails need to be this color."

Liz is watching, I call her over and complain, "Liz, I thought this is my special day."

Liz laughs and answers, "It is Jens; they are here to make your special day even more special."

Heck, if I would have known this was going to be such a pain in the rear, I would have eloped!

Present – Ben – at Glacier Park

The choppers keep coming! They're hauling in an incredible assortment of people and equipment; hell there are times some of the choppers have to wait for the others to leave the landing area before they can land. I didn't have any idea having a wedding was such a big fucking deal! Jack walks up and teases me, "Shit Banzai, you look like you have your hands full."

I nod my head and answer, "That's putting it mildly. I never guessed this was going to be such a huge fucking production."

Jack laughs and explains what's wrong with my thinking, "Hell Banzai, you didn't realize how big of a deal this is? You marrying Jennifer is as close to a royal wedding as America will ever have. Don't you need to start getting ready for the wedding?"

I reply, "Yeah, I sure do but someone has to handle all the traffic."

Jack volunteers, "Banzai I can handle this, why don't you take off, get your hair cut, take a shower and ... That reminds me, what are you wearing today?"

I smile at Jack and answer, "Where the hell can I get my hair cut and I have my Dress Blues with me."

Jack answers, "Jennifer has a hair dresser here and I bet they can cut your hair. You also might want to see if they can press your Dress Blues. By the way how do they fit you since you've lost weight?"

I think for a moment and answer, "I haven't tried them on in a while."

Jack scolds, "Hell Banzai, you'd better get Jennifer's gay dressmaker to fit your Dress Blues."

I shake Jack's hand and remind him, "You do know you're my best man. What are you wearing?"

He smiles at me and answers, "Masha is bringing my Dress Blues that fit me to a T - I will shower right before I change. Now get the hell out of here and get ready for your wedding."

I take off to prepare for my wedding...

Present – Jens – at Glacier Park

Talk about the royal fricken treatment! I am in a chaise lounge while one woman works on my hair, another woman works on my hands and a third woman works on my feet. The woman working on my hair begins to complain, "I don't know what sort of shitty shampoo you use on your hair but it's caused a lot of damage."

I inform her, "I normally use baby shampoo."

She clucks, "No wonder! I hate to tell you this but I need to give you a hot oil treatment if we have any hope of salvaging this mess you call hair."

I begin to complain, when the woman working on my feet does something that hurts! I pull my foot away and yell, "What the hell are you doing to my feet!"

She grabs my foot and replies, "Your feet have many callouses that we need to remove if they are going to be presentable for the wedding. This is going to hurt a little."

Hurt a little my rear! It hurts like a son of a gun - it feels like she is ripping the bottom of my foot off. Liz comes up and says, "Jennifer, look who's coming."