Chapter 32: Fallout

March 1978

I dreaded going to school. I thought about staying home sick. I rarely did that and if I told Mom and Dad I was sick, they wouldn’t doubt me. I had missed exactly one day of school in the past three years. Unfortunately, that would only postpone the inevitable.

I didn’t have any classes with Jennifer, but we did have lunch together as we had all year. I could only wait to see what happened. I saw several of the gang in the hallway or class, but nobody said anything or even gave me a hint of knowing what had happened.

When I got to the lunchroom most of the gang, including Jennifer, were there. My usual spot next to Jennifer was available. I walked over and she looked up and nodded. I sat down. So far so good. I greeted everyone and they all said ‘Hi’, including Jennifer, though her greeting was subdued.

Conversation at the table seemed like normal. Nobody asked or said anything. It was clear to me that Jennifer hadn’t said anything. Kellie asked if she could talk to me but I asked if I could call her instead, with a surreptitious wink. That mollified her.

I wasn’t going to rub Jennifer’s nose into it. If she was going to treat me decently, I was going to do everything I could to make her happy. Well, except the one thing that would make her truly happy and that’s not being in love with Becky. I’d made my bed; I had to lie in it.

Towards the end of lunch, I leaned over and said quietly, “Can we talk? Please?”

She said “Not yet. But we will. OK?”

That was far better than what I expected. It was clear she needed time. I remembered now that she’d said ‘time apart’ not ‘I never want to see you again’. I’d be her friend, treat her nice, and hope for the best. What else could I do? She didn’t hate me, but I doubted our relationship would ever return to what it was. I might need a new best friend. And that would suck.

Jennie had been right. Sex had changed everything. For the worse. I had lost my best friend because I had sex with her without understanding what it meant to her. I had blown it. When we had a chance to talk, I’d tell her.

Not that I thought it would win her back, or even if I could win her back, but to let her know that I had to share the blame. She shouldn’t blame herself for not being honest. That was only part of it, and in reality, only a very small part of it. Her last lovemaking session with me was, to put it crudely, a goodbye fuck. I hated that word, but I didn’t know any other way to describe it. She knew it, too, when it happened. I should have known. I was truly a ‘dumb boy’.

What really bothered me is that she knew me better than I knew myself. She knew I loved Becky in a way that was different from how I loved her. And when I finally had a chance to talk to Jennifer, I’d accept her judgment and do whatever I could to repair the friendship, though I was pretty sure that was hopeless.

“Yes, it’s OK. You just let me know. I hope you’ll still be my friend.”

She smiled. That lifted my heart. A little bit. Not much, but a little bit.

After school, I walked up the access road to the High School. I saw Melanie and Pete waiting for me. I walked over and shook Pete’s hand. He and Melanie kissed, and we walked off.

“Melanie,” I started.

“Jennifer called me on Saturday. I know.”

“Wait, on Saturday?”

“Yes, on Saturday. She told me what was going to happen and what she was going to do.”

I was right. It had been, as I’d crudely thought, a ‘goodbye fuck’.

“Why didn’t you warn me?”

“Because you have to learn this stuff for yourself. The only way to not be the ‘dumb boy’ Stephanie thinks you are, is to experience this stuff and learn from it. Why do you think Birgit insisted you date and why she had us hook up? Think it through, ‘dumb boy’.”

I thought about it. I did understand it. I had even told Jennifer about it. And Birgit. And discussed it with Melanie. I wanted to crawl in a hole and pull dirt over my head.

Melanie saw my look and said “Yeah. You already knew. And you messed up anyway. So what’s the lesson?”

“Besides me being a ‘dumb boy’?”

“Yes, besides that. That’s a given. Your sister knows you better than anyone. I know she’s just turning eleven, but you should listen to her.”

“I should.”

“So, what are you going to do about it?”

“Be Jennifer’s friend. Try to repair our friendship. Accept whatever terms she decides.”

“Good boy. You’re learning. And?”

“Love Becky as best I can.”

“And?”

“That’s where the problem arises. I’m not sure that I can love Becky as well as she needs to be loved in the way she needs to be loved.”

“And you knew this before you slept with her?”

“Yes.”

“Oh my God! You are stupid, aren’t you?”

“Wait, wait! I talked to Becky about all of this. She said she just wanted me on whatever terms she could have.”

“I’m sure she did. Now, I know you’re not as dumb as a fence post, but you’re close.”

“Melanie!”

“Think it through. What did Becky say?”

“That she just wanted me on whatever terms she could have.”

“And who else said that?”

I stopped dead in my tracks. I almost fainted. I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to run and hide and never come out again.

“Jennifer,” I croaked, tears running down my face.

“Well, not so dumb once someone lays it all out for you. Kind of like with Spanish.”

She stuck her tongue out at me.

“Don’t do that unless you plan to use it,” I said reflexively, even as tears streamed down my cheeks.

“Now there’s an idea...” she said, giggling.

Oh God, she was such a tease.

“Sorry Melanie, that was like an automatic response.”

“I know. You’re so funny when you act like a little boy.”

“Yeah, but little boys don’t screw people silly and wreck people’s lives.”

“I do have to ask, was it good?”

“It was out of this world. I’ve never been so turned on in my life. No offense intended.”

“None taken. I’ll take that as a challenge to prove you wrong someday. But not now. It was really that good? You’re not just saying that?”

“It was really that good. But she hurt, badly. And there was so much blood.”

“Oh, no! She’s OK though?”

“More than OK, I guess. She said her orgasm was crushing.”

“I taught you well.”

“You and Jennie. Too bad I didn’t actually listen to you two as well as I should have.”

“Yes. But you often have to learn the hard way. Remember that when you have kids.”

“I’ll remember how your mom and dad treated me, how Jennifer’s mom treated me and how Becky’s parents treated me. I’ve been incredibly lucky in addition to incredibly stupid.”

“So, what are you going to do about Becky?” Melanie asked.

“The only thing I can; love her the best I can within the limits that I can.”

“And if that’s not good enough?”

“I can only be who I am and be honest with her,” I said. “It’s not like I can give her virginity back.”

“Just be prepared. It could be a very bumpy ride.”

“I know. Can we just do some Spanish now?”

It was a good session. I wasn’t fully concentrating, but she was satisfied with my effort. I checked to see if she and Pete were available Saturday, and if I could set something up with Anna. I needed a distraction and a simple date with Anna would be a good one. Melanie gave me a fantastic hug and a quick peck on the lips when I left. I really needed that, too.

When I got home, I ate dinner in kind of a funk. Stephanie noticed, but Mom and Dad seemed to think I was just tired from the weekend and the mental stress of playing so much chess. When I excused myself, I went to my room and got out my journal. I wrote. I wrote everything that had happened. I wrote my feelings, my thoughts, and accusations against myself. I poured everything into it. I filled 8 pages. I was drained mentally, physically, and emotionally. But I had homework to do. I pulled out my math book and set to work. That actually helped me take my mind off everything else for a brief time.

“You OK, Big Brother?”

“No Squirt, I’m not.”

“Jennifer, Becky, or Birgit?”

“Yes.”

“What?”

I made a decision then to follow Melanie’s advice.

“Come sit in my beanbag chair.”

She did. I handed her the journal.

“Read!” I instructed.

I went back to my homework. I finished the math. I got out my statistics homework next. It was basically math, so I could focus easily on it. I figured history or English reading would set my mind wandering. I was ahead in both of those, so I was good. Spanish I had done with Melanie’s oversight.

After reading for about 20 minutes, Stephanie handed me back my journal.

“Yep, I was right. You’re just a dumb boy. How could you not see what was happening? You had a problem with Jennifer that caused you to take a step back. Then you did the exact same thing with Becky. Dumb.”

Good analysis from a girl who would be eleven in a week or so.

“Any advice?”

“Well, I think you blew it with Jennifer. I think you’re going to blow it with Becky in the same way. I think you should stick to dating and not be in love with anyone.”

“What about Birgit?”

“She’s different. Special.”

“Thanks, Stephanie. All I can do with Becky is be honest and see what happens.”

“Just go have sex with Mary, Kellie, and anyone else you can find and be happy with that.”

“You’re eleven! How do you know about that?”

“Girls aren’t dumb like boys. We know what boys want. They want to have sex with us. Even boys that are twelve and thirteen like I hang out with. I read the books. I know how it works. I told you how it feels when...”

“Stop! I said I don’t want to hear about my little sister that way!”

“What are you going to do when I come to ask you for sex advice?”

“Run?”

“Figures. You can’t even talk about it with me.”

“It’s different. You’re my sister.”

“Yeah, and who should I ask? Jimmie Henderson? I bet he’ll tell me. He’ll probably want to show me, too.”

She had a point. A good point. Jimmie was an idiot. But I was probably just like him three years ago. Though, come to think of it, I had pretty much proven I was still an idiot as well.

“OK. OK. I’ll talk to you about it.”

She stuck her tongue out at me.

“Don’t do that unless you plan to use it.”

“Eww!” And she left the room.

I loved my little sister. I locked my journal away and got ready for bed. I had a couple of calls to make.

I called Becky. We only chatted for a few minutes, but we expressed our love for each other and our desire to see each other next Sunday. She had some discomfort, but wasn’t in pain. I was glad to hear that. She asked the question I knew she needed to.

“Did you talk to Jennifer?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“She asked if I had done it with you. I told her ‘yes’. She said ‘And?’ I said I loved you. She said she knew and that we needed time apart and hung up.”

“OK,” she said. I could tell she was happy with that from the tone.

“She did sit at our usual lunch table with our group today. I hope she’ll still be my friend.”

“Why?”

Damn you, Melanie! Right again.

“Because she’s my best friend.”

“Oh,” she said. This time I could tell she was unhappy.

“Becky, I love you. OK?”

“Yes, Steve. I love you too.”

We hung up.

I called Kellie. I told her I couldn’t arrange anything this week, next week for sure. I asked if she wanted to have dinner Friday of next week. I thought I could arrange something. She said that would work fine. I did ask one slightly uncomfortable question.

“Kellie, are you OK next week Friday?”

“OK?”

“Not that time of the month?”

“Oh! I hadn’t thought about that. I’m fine.”

She hadn’t thought about birth control. She hadn’t thought about her period. That gave me a bit of pause, but then again, she was young, having just turned fourteen. I guess being a teacher wasn’t such a bad thing. It made me feel just a bit less dumb. But I needed to make sure she had thought about the ramifications of what she wanted. I guess I was gun-shy after Jennifer and Becky.

My last call was to Anna. I asked if she would like to go out on Saturday. She ran and asked her mom and got approval. I told her I’d get her details later in the week.

I fell into bed and dreamed of Birgit.

The rest of the week was pretty much normal. Jennifer was cordial at lunch. I wanted to talk, but knew the timing was up to her.

Friday night I did nothing. Well, I swam, read, and watched TV. I spent some time writing my thoughts from the week into the journal.

I went to work on Saturday looking forward to my double-date. I did my usual stuff and at lunchtime I grabbed a sandwich and sat down, facing the back of the deli. I missed Jennifer. We’d had lunch together every Saturday for months, and I had thrown it all away for sex with Becky.

Melanie and Pete picked me up and took me home to change. We headed for Anna’s house.

“Hey, Pete, you mind if I ask Melanie for advice?”

“Advice from a girl? Seriously?” he chuckled. I saw his grin in the rear-view mirror. Melanie smacked him. Hard.

“Yeah, I think she gives pretty good advice, actually. I hope you listen to her.”

“See Petey, I told you he’s not quite as dumb as you are. But still dumb, like all boys.”

She was really rubbing it in. I saw Pete roll his eyes in the rear-view mirror.

“Don’t you roll your eyes at me Peter Carston or the only sex you’ll have is with your right hand!”

“Yes, Melanie,” Pete said, sounding sincere. “Steve, be my guest. Get her advice.”

“I charge. You’re going to owe me.”

I decided that Pete could handle me being snarky. I hoped I could get Melanie to blush.

“I already owe you ten orgasms in a row! What more could you possibly want?”

She blushed and spluttered. I thought Pete was going to crash he laughed so hard.

“You got me. For once. What else do you need advice about?”

“About Becky. I told her that I hoped Jennifer would still be my friend. She was pretty unhappy about that. I could tell by her tone of voice.”

“OK. Think it through. This one is easy.”

“She isn’t OK with me being with Jennifer, even as a friend. Jennifer is a threat to her. Just like Becky was to Jennifer.”

“See, you didn’t even need my help with that one.”

“Stephanie told me, basically, to just to go out and get laid and forget about love.”

Pete said “Wait, that’s your little sister, she’s what? Ten?”

“Almost eleven. I let her read my journal. Her advice was basically to have lots of sex and enjoy myself.”

He said, “She’s pretty smart for being eleven. Good advice for any guy.”

“Petey, honey, I have teeth. You might want to think about that next time you take off your pants and wave that thing of yours around,” Melanie giggled.

I laughed. This was a lot of fun. It was a side of Melanie I hadn’t seen. I’d have to ask her about it on Monday. I really liked Pete, too.

We picked up Anna and the conversation was much tamer. Dinner tonight was Ponderosa. We all had steaks and baked potatoes and really enjoyed them. We went to Graeter’s for ice cream. We finished our desserts and the girls excused themselves to use the ladies’ room. I never understood the need for girls to go in pairs. The last thing a guy would ever do is invite another guy to the john with him!

They came back to the table and we got up to leave. It was still really early so we had some time to kill. We got in the car and Pete asked Melanie what she wanted to do.

“If it were up to me? Go someplace and fool around. But with the little children in the back seat, that won’t work.”

“Little children?” I chuckled. “Melanie, I do believe this ‘little child’ has done more with you than your current slug of a boyfriend. Shall I go into detail?”

“Don’t you dare!” she hissed.

I thought Anna was going to cry she was laughing so hard. It’s a good thing Pete hadn’t pulled out of the parking lot because he was laughing so hard he was crying.

When everyone had composed themselves, Anna said, “I’m OK with going someplace like that.”

Pete put the car in gear and said, “Ladies, your wish is my command.”

Pete drove us into a tree-lined street that wound up a hill. We came to a house near the top and he pulled into the driveway.