Chapter 30: Declarations of Love, Part I

February 1978

I awoke long before the alarm on Monday. I lay in bed a bit and considered everything that was going on with Becky and Jennifer. I was going to have to resolve the Becky and Jennifer - or was that really the Becky OR Jennifer - situation somehow. If things progressed to me making love with Becky, something would have to give. And things were progressing.

No, I thought, they weren’t progressing. I was pushing them forward. I actually wanted it to happen. But I didn’t want to lose Jennifer. Jennifer had described it perfectly. ‘You want to have your cake and eat it, too,’ she had said. I did.

That phrase made no sense if you looked at the words, but I knew the implication. I wanted to have sex with Becky without changing my relationship with Jennifer. Jennifer could tolerate me playing around with Mary, and probably with Kellie. I wasn’t sure about Anna, but with no heart connection there, that might be OK as well. The same was most likely true for Joyce.

I was thinking with my little head. I was trying to have sex with as many girls as I could, yet maintain a loving relationship with not one, not two, but three girls. Stephanie kept telling me I was a ‘dumb boy’ and I sure felt like one as I analyzed the situation. I didn’t want to hurt any of them.

Just thinking about Birgit caused a reaction under my sheets. I thought about her, about the one time we made love, about the times we would make love in the future as I slowly masturbated. The ensuing orgasm was one of the best I’d had by myself.

I was on fairly safe ground with Birgit. Yes, there were all kinds of potential problems down the road - little traps, detours, mistakes, and the risk of her meeting someone else. Of course that risk was there for me as well. And both Becky and Jennifer were serious candidates.

I was only fourteen, but I knew that decisions I made in the next several months could have a huge impact on my life. Was making love with Becky worth risking my relationship with Jennifer? Was my relationship with Jennifer and our deep connection a sign that I should be with her instead of Birgit? Was Birgit’s boyfriend Jonas someone who she might end up with instead of me? That notion caused so much turmoil in my emotions that I pushed it aside. I’d worry about that when the day came. There was nothing I could do about it now.

If I was accepted into the exchange program, and got my first choice, then I’d see Birgit a lot. I really hoped I’d end up in Stockholm. An evil thought crossed my mind. What if her family could host me? Now that would be perfect! But I doubted that could ever happen.

And what would happen with Becky and Jennifer when I went? Becky didn’t even know I was thinking about it. A year away would be painful for her, and it might be for me as well. I had to tell her about it before we crossed the point of no return. It wouldn’t be fair to her otherwise.

Jennifer hadn’t said anything negative about it. She knew all about Birgit from the beginning, so perhaps she understood. I suspected that deep down she was sure that my relationship with Birgit would not turn out the way I hoped. And given our connection and the completely different character of our love making, maybe, just maybe, she was right.

My head was spinning again - Birgit, Jennifer, Becky. Round and round. My head kept telling me to pick one of them and make them my girlfriend. My heart reminded me that I loved all three. My little head reminded me that I wanted to see just how wild making love with Becky would be, given her promise the day before.

And of course, there was my ‘sex friend’ Mary. There was Michelle who was coming to visit. There was Kellie who had offered me her “cherry”. There were Joyce and Anna who both seemed interested but clearly wanted to take things slowly. I was OK with that. Things were complicated enough as it was.

Complicated didn’t even begin to describe the situation with my cousin Vickie. I knew there was no way to avoid her completely at Easter. I also knew she’d find a way to maneuver me alone to at least talk about it. I’d have to keep my guard up.

Then there was Donna. At least in that case I had a little over a year before anything could happen. But that crush of hers bothered me. There were elements of Becky there, and I most certainly did not need that again. I pushed that out of my mind. Donna was too far in the future to worry about it.

What I did need to worry about was the invitational chess tournament next weekend that Larry’s club was hosting. I had asked Andreas for the day off and he agreed. I had asked Becky’s dad to pick me up at 4:00pm at the chess match rather than at 2:00pm at home. What I hadn’t done was practice or study enough. I’d have to fix that this week. I hoped it would be enough.

That meant Kellie would have to wait. I would see Jennifer on Friday and Becky on Sunday. With studying, practicing, tutoring, and the tournament, I wouldn’t have time for anything else. My life was filling up again. Anna would want to see me. Mary would certainly want to see me. I’d have to put them off.

The week flew by. I could tell Kellie was anxious, but I told her that I was extremely busy this week. She was mollified by my promise to find a time and place the following week so we weren’t rushed.

Mary was less happy. I could tell she was disappointed but I pointed out that in about 10 days, she’d get her wish. She lit up at that and said that she’d actually prefer to wait until then. At least that was one less distraction for the next week.

Tutoring with Melanie went well. We didn’t chat much because there wasn’t much to chat about that was new. She and Pete were getting along great, and Michelle was still planning to visit during Spring Break. Spanish was going well and I was keeping my B. If only I could find a way to do something about the participation grade.

I managed to practice chess on Tuesday alone, on Wednesday with Jennifer, and on Thursday with Larry. I still wasn’t feeling confident in my game. I had really slacked off and it was showing. Larry tried to encourage me, but I was pretty down in the dumps about it. It was a problem of my own making, and only I could really fix it. I just didn’t have the time.

Friday was my date with Jennifer. I could sense some strain from Jennifer from the moment she greeted me in the car. Her mom took us to Frisch’s. We weren’t sure what we were going to do afterwards, so we said we’d call her if we decided we wanted to go to one of our houses.

We sat in a booth and I asked her what was bothering her.

“I think I may have ruined our friendship,” she said quietly.

“What?! How?”

“By making love with you. I think I ruined it. Before then, everything was easy. Before then, everything was good. Yes, I wanted to make love to you, but I had a best friend who would stick by me through anything.”

“But, Jennifer...”

She cut me off. “Please, let me finish, OK?”

I nodded.

“My best friend I could talk to. I saw him with other girls and was a bit jealous about what they were getting and I wasn’t. But I could deal with it. Then we made love. It was beyond anything I could even have imagined. It wasn’t just the orgasms...”

She blushed deep red.

“ ... but the connection. It was like our souls joined. I never expected that. Sure, I expected it to feel good, but there was something else there. Deeper. Emotional. It was like I was complete. Did you feel that too?”

“Yes. Absolutely.”

“I thought, no I actually hoped, that maybe it was just because it was my first time that I felt that. If it were just pleasure, I could do what I had promised. Just enjoy making love and not worrying about who else you were with.”

“But it wasn’t,” I said quietly.

“No. It wasn’t. I knew that I couldn’t just have you occasionally. I needed you urgently, constantly. I wanted to feel that connection. That deep link of our souls, I guess. I couldn’t live without it. And then you said we needed to wait.”

Oh, shit! I thought I’d had it all figured out. I thought I’d found a way through this mess. I guess I hadn’t. I was still tearing myself up over this on an almost constant basis. Something had to give. I was afraid of what Jennifer was going to say.

“I was crushed,” she continued. “Almost despondent. I tried to put on the bravest face I could. I tried to accept it. But I saw it all slipping away. I kept seeing you in Becky’s arms, making love to her. I wanted to scream. I had ruined everything. I couldn’t force you to make a decision. Not just because it was wrong to push you, but because I was afraid you would choose her.

“When you said you weren’t going to make love to her I had some hope. But I think you eventually will. It’s inevitable. She’ll wear you down and you’ll do it. Not because you don’t love me, but because you love her, too. And I don’t know if I can deal with that. I think she wants you, like for marriage and kids, not just as a High School boyfriend. The same way I want you. The same way Birgit wants you. I feel like I’m third in line.”