Chapter 27: Decisions

February 1978

Going to work on Saturday was actually a blessing. Most of what I did I could do without much thought. The only thinking needed was when I was running the register or packing an order. The broom and rag seemed to move on their own and stocking shelves was a matter of matching products and tags.

I had a few hours to think before Jennifer arrived for lunch. In that time, I replayed the last year over and over again. I thought about things that had happened, about decisions I had made, about love, relationships, right and wrong, and ultimately what I had to do to bring some resolution to my current situation.

First and foremost, I had to figure out what I wanted. And I had no idea. At fourteen, I hadn’t even thought about college except in the most tangential ways. What I wanted to do was a mystery. I liked electronics, math, and history. Of course, Mom had at one point suggested the priesthood. That had happened when I was in sixth grade.

She had sent me to talk to a priest at the diocesan seminary to discuss what they called “vocations” in the Church. What Mom didn’t know was that the bottom line I had told the priest was, well, I liked girls. He said he did, too. I said no, I like them as in I want to be with one, get married, have sex, have kids. That kind of ‘like’. That pretty much ended any discussion of the priesthood.

The one thing I was sure of was that I wanted to marry, have kids, and have grandkids. There was never any doubt in my mind about that. My heart was determined to marry Birgit the day after I graduated from High School. Logic told me that was crazy, and pointed out that I was in love with Jennifer and Becky.

Melanie kept telling me my heart would not steer me wrong. I tended to agree, but I knew that some logic had to apply; otherwise I’d be even more of a jumble of emotion than I already was. I wasn’t Mr. Spock, nor was I Captain Kirk. I certainly was more Kirk than Spock because he seemed to have girls falling all over him wherever they went. I really enjoyed the Star Trek reruns.

I didn’t have the NCC-1701 to quickly whisk me away from encounters at warp nine, or a beam transporter to extricate me from tricky situations. I had to stay and deal with them. I had to solve the struggle in my heart. I was at the center of a triangle with Birgit, Jennifer, and Becky at each point. Every action, every thought, pulled or pushed me towards one of those points.

Could I balance everything while I grew up? I knew that I had to graduate college, get a job and be ready to support a family before I married. When I looked at my options, I didn’t like what I saw. Not because there was anything wrong with any of them, mind you, but because every single one was fraught with danger.

Maybe that was the secret; acknowledging the danger, accepting it, and being willing to hurt or be hurt as you found the right path through life. But how could anyone ever do that? I began to see the logic of Mr. Spock and the Vulcans. Emotions were dangerous things that could cause no end of problems, even pain. And yet, I had experienced supreme pleasure as well.

I took stock. With Birgit, there was, for nearly a year, unrequited love. When that love was finally fulfilled, it was glorious. Something in the universe took our hearts and bound them together. I owed Jennie McGrath for that one. Without her, it might never have happened. The question I had was whether or not that bond was strong enough.

I think Birgit wondered the same thing. That’s why she insisted that I date. Why she had set me up with Melanie. She somehow intuitively knew what I needed. And the girl she chose also seemed to know that as well. I’m sure that living together for a year had given Birgit a good understanding of who Melanie was.

The more I thought about it, the more I was sure it wasn’t just that Melanie was close at hand. She was exactly what I needed. She was a couple of years older, more experienced, from a very open-minded family, and a bit of an adventurer. This was precisely what a naïve fourteen-year-old, with exactly three sexual encounters under his belt and ready to save himself for a girl who was thousands of miles and many years away, had needed.

Then there was Jennifer. Without question my best friend. Larry was a close second, for sure, but Jennifer had moved to the top. I loved her as a friend and had totally missed that she was in love with me. All the signs had been there if I had just paid attention. But I always wrote them off as just teasing and innocent flirting.

It was that grave error on my part that led to the emotional train-wreck that occurred after we made love. And what lovemaking it was! It was something so emotionally, physically, and mentally fulfilling that I couldn’t put it into words. Our connection on that level was like nothing else in my life.

Maybe that was the sign. Maybe that was my mind, body, and soul telling me in no uncertain terms that she was my true mate. At fourteen, could that even be possible? If so, why was I fighting it? I concluded that if that were really true, if I really believed that, then I wouldn’t be in the conundrum I found myself in. Birgit and Becky simply wouldn’t factor into the equation.

But they did. Becky was the one who had blindsided me. Sure, I was surprised by Jennifer, but the clues were there if I had looked. For the life of me, I couldn’t think of anything I had missed with Becky that would have prepared me for what happened.

I had gone over our interactions many times. She said things that were the opposite of what she felt. I figured that was nerves and fear. She wanted something that she knew she wasn’t supposed to have, something off-limits, something Daddy wouldn’t approve of. And when her actions pushed things over the edge, she discovered that Daddy would love her even if she went against his wishes.

That had, in effect, opened the floodgates. She was free to move forward with what she wanted, not with his approval or even willing acquiescence, but with the knowledge that, no matter what, he would love her. She believed she had found her soulmate.

Frankly, that scared me. Despite her protestations, making love would form some kind of bond between us that if broken would utterly devastate her. In thinking about what I had done, it was really that small insight that had pushed me to say no on two occasions. I didn’t know if I had the willpower for a third. I’d have to find it. There was no way I could move our relationship to that level if I couldn’t give myself to her heart, mind, and soul.

I didn’t want to hurt any of them. Melanie said I couldn’t control that. She was right. But what I could control were my actions. And it dawned on me that I had found the solution last night with Anna. It was so simple. I’d put it into action. I hoped it worked.

Jennifer arrived for lunch. We kind of danced around the topic of our relationship given that I would be at her house for dinner that evening. I told her about my date with Anna and how much fun we had with Pete and Melanie. I told her if she wanted to do that, I’d love to. She said it sounded wonderful. She asked if I would see Anna again. I said yes, probably, because I enjoyed her company.

I asked if it would be OK to have a date with Kellie on Friday.

“You don’t need my permission, Steve. I told you.”

“Yes, you did. And I’m asking anyway.”

Jennifer sighed, “It’s fine, really.”

I knew we had to talk about this later. Lunch wasn’t the time or place. We hugged and exchanged a few kisses when her mom arrived to take her home. They’d be back in a few hours to get me.

I finished up at work, trying not to think too much. I didn’t want to talk myself out of the solution that I had come up with. I was afraid if I kept going over it in my mind, I’d talk myself out of it. I needed to try something and it was the best thing I could come up with.

After they picked me up, Jennifer and I were drinking hot chocolate while sitting at the kitchen table. Nothing was said for a bit, we just drank in silence.

“Do you want to go upstairs?” she asked.

The moment of truth.

“I’d rather sit on the couch here or in the basement and talk, actually.”

Her countenance fell. I knew I had to say a bit more.

“Jennifer, it’s not that. I’m not rejecting you. I want to talk to you. We have to talk.”

“OK,” she said meekly.

We went to the basement for privacy. I went to the couch and indicated that she should lie across my lap, facing me so we could talk. She complied. I gave her a hug and a kiss before I started talking.

“Jennifer, you’re my best friend. I love you.”

She tensed a bit when I said that.

“Please don’t be that way,” I begged. “I’m trying to help us solve our dilemma and move forward. I am not breaking up with you. OK?”

“Yes.”

She relaxed. I kissed her again. A soft gentle kiss that expressed every ounce of love I had for her. Then I continued.

“I’ve thought a lot about this. Our problem, I think, is that we went straight from best friends to sex with nothing in-between. And we went into that sex with very different views of what it was. I was having sex with a super-hot strawberry blonde chick who was a virgin and wanted me.”

She giggled and I continued.

“But you were making love to someone you loved deeply and completely.”

She nodded, so I went on.

“That disconnect caused the problem. I’m not blaming you. I missed every sign you gave me. I should have been able to figure it out. Yeah, I’m only fourteen, but still, in hindsight, I see just how dumb I was. Stephanie likes to remind me that no matter what, in the end, I’m still just a dumb boy. She’s pretty smart for being ten. She’s going to be a holy terror when she’s Melanie’s age.”

Jennifer laughed and said, “I think you’re right.”

“I got off-topic, sorry. I have a habit of doing that. My mind wanders a lot. What I think we need to do is something of a do-over. We can’t undo what we’ve done, and given how intense our physical relationship is I wouldn’t want to undo it, but that might be part of the problem. What I really want to do is basically go back to the beginning.”

“The beginning?”

“Yes. I would like to go out with you Jennifer Block. Will you go on dates with me?”

“Yes, silly, of course I will.”

“I don’t have sex on the first date. Just so you know.”

She smacked me on the shoulder. Hard. But she was laughing.

“I was being silly, but only partly so. Can we put making love on hold for a few months while we figure out where we are?”

“You mean sex between us? Or sex completely.”

Becky. That’s what she meant.

“You mean Becky, right?”

“Yeah, you know me too well. I don’t care if you fuck Mary. Or Michelle. Or even Kellie.”

I had never heard her say such a thing before.

“Did you just use that word? Really?”

“Yes. Because that’s what you do with them, isn’t it? It’s not like it is with me. Or how it was with Birgit. Or how it would be with Becky. It’s like it was with Melanie. It’s different. Even when you might be gentle and loving with Melanie, it was, in the end, just fucking.”

She was right. Perhaps I was on the right path. All I could do was press on.

“I told you I didn’t make love with Becky. And I won’t. I’m going to have a similar conversation with her tomorrow. I’ll tell her that we need to take things slower. I’ve hardly kissed her, even.”

“Really? You know, I never asked because I didn’t really want to know.”

“Really. I have not touched her beyond hugs and kisses. Not for lack of opportunity. Not from lack of her trying. But from my own willpower, stupid as it may appear to every other guy. I think I might get drummed out of the guy club. That said, I’ve managed to earn Mr. van Hoek’s complete respect.”

That still amazed me. But I had more to say.

“Think about that one from his perspective. This fourteen-year-old boy has two chances, well, two he knows of because he doesn’t know about the first strip chess game, to take his daughter’s virginity. In both instances, the guy refuses. Not because he doesn’t think she’s hot and not because he doesn’t want to ‘screw her silly’ to use Birgit’s term, but because he knows it’s the wrong thing to do. As a dad, how do you even process that?”

She gave me a silly smile.

“So, you think she’s hot and you want to screw her silly, do you?”

“Jennifer, you know what I mean. I do, of course, but I don’t. I have to factor you into this equation. At every step of the way. I’ve told you it’s easier with Birgit. Despite our bond, despite our belief that we’re destined for each other.”

Jennifer wilted a bit at that.

“Despite everything, Birgit and I are in agreement that we will live our lives and see where it takes us. It’s possible that you could be my soulmate. And when the time comes, Birgit will accept that. Jonas, for all I know, might be hers. I doubt it, but who knows? We’ll cross those bridges when we come to them. But let me point out one thing, and please don’t take this the wrong way. If you had been more forthright with your feelings, had told me what you wanted and how you felt last Fall, Becky wouldn’t be in the picture.”

I saw tears in her eyes.

“I’m really sorry. This is me being honest. Remember, we agreed on that. Total honesty.”

I fell silent to let her think and to process everything. She took quite some time, but I just sat there and held her tight.

“I’m sorry I misled you,” she said. “I’m really sorry now that I didn’t just come out and tell you. Maybe I should have just followed through the first time we played ‘strip chess’.”

I touched her lips with my finger.

“No, that was still under false pretenses, wasn’t it?” I said gently and tried to convey as much love as possible.

“Yes. It was. Same thing. I was so dumb. I almost ruined everything. I may still have.”

She was openly weeping now. Tears running down her face.

“No, you haven’t ruined anything. It’s a challenge. We’ll overcome it.”

“So what are you going to do about Becky?”

“Have a similar conversation with her. Though in her case, it’s postponing our first sexual encounter. Maybe forever. I can’t say.”

“So you might make love with her?”

I didn’t take it as an accusation. It sounded like an honest question.

“Jennifer, in all honesty, I don’t know. I want to. I really do. But you know me. I have to do the right thing. And that might mean never doing it. Or it might mean doing it.”

She nodded.

“I can’t ask your permission, that’s not right. But what I can say is that I’ll tell you if it happens and we’ll discuss it and figure things out. But for right now, I am absolutely sure it’s not going to happen tomorrow. I’ll make sure she understands that. It will be more or less the same - I’ll continue to see her, but we’ll take things one step at a time. It’s all I can do.”