Chapter 24: Jennifer

February 1978

The rest of the week went by quickly. I played chess with Jennifer and Larry. I played chess with Mary. Mary and I couldn’t find a time to get together, much to our mutual disappointment. Even Thursday night didn’t work out since she had to go out with her parents.

On Saturday, I called Birgit. I was doing that way too often, but letters with two-week turnarounds just weren’t cutting it. I broached the subject of growing up and gaining experiences and she said that was more or less what she was getting at. That we needed to grow up and we couldn’t just put our lives on hold since that would prevent it. We needed the normal teen experiences.

She did reassure me that she was convinced that we were meant for each other, that at some point after High School, fate would bring us together. And then we could map out the rest of our lives. She was looking forward to me coming to Sweden in 18 months or so. It would be a long wait for both of us.

Even if I wasn’t in Stockholm, the country was small enough, and the trains and busses were inexpensive enough, that we could visit quite a bit. Her parents already assumed she’d come to wherever I was as often as possible. She encouraged me to do what she was doing - find someone to date and develop a relationship with. She didn’t see any danger in it and a lot of value.

I didn’t ask, but she told me that she and Jonas hadn’t had sex, but she heard I was having a good time; that I should keep doing it.

“I love you, Birgit Andersson!”

“I love you, Steve Adams!”

That talk cheered me up a bit. Work went by quickly. Mrs. Block picked me up after work to join them for dinner. Jennifer and I had agreed at lunch that we’d save our serious talk for when we were at her house and would just enjoy our lunch.

We arrived at Jennifer’s house and she told her mom that we were going to hang out in the basement and talk. We grabbed some Cokes and headed downstairs. We plopped down on a couch, with Jennifer reclined, facing me. She was ready to talk. So was I. But we just sat there for a moment looking into each other’s eyes.

“Jennifer, I love you.”

“I love you too, Steve.”

“Things have changed between us. Sex changed it. We aren’t just friends anymore, are we?”

“No, we aren’t.”

“I guess we need to talk about where we go from here. I need to know what you want from our relationship, what you want from me, so I can figure out what to do.”

A tear rolled down her face.

“I don’t want to lose you. You’re not leaving me, are you?”

“Jennifer Lynn Block! I said no such thing! Are you really worried about that? Is that what the problem is?”

“Yes.”

“Why do you think I would leave you?”

“Becky.”

I was getting one-word answers. I felt she was barely holding herself together.

“I was afraid that was the issue. I promise we’ll discuss that, but what about the other girls, like Mary or Kellie, and perhaps more importantly, Birgit?”

“Different.”

“Jennifer, you have to talk to me. It’s the only way we can figure out what to do.”

She took a couple of very deep breaths and let them out. She was trying to keep from losing control of her emotions. It was a serious struggle. She managed to at least contain it for the moment.

“With Birgit, she’s so far away,” she said, fighting her urge to cry. “You won’t see her for a year and a half at the earliest. And even then, you’ll come back here. It’s all so far away that I can deal with it. With Mary, I know it’s just sex. Like I said; that I can deal with. I can share your body. With Kellie, it depends. If it’s just sex, I’d be OK with that too. Just like I will be fine with you messing around with Michelle when she visits.”

“I guess that makes sense to me,” I said. “You’re making a distinction between girls I have sex with, which you can accept, and someone who I might make love with.”

A wan smile. “That’s what worries me about Becky. When it was just a game, when you were just trying to get her to have sex with you without any kind of attachment, I was fine with it. But it’s more than that now, isn’t it?”

“Yes. It’s more than that. Well, not physically, but emotionally.”

“That’s why I told you I loved you. Why I started kissing you in public. I was, well, I don’t know. Worried, I guess.”

“About what?”

“That you would fall in love with her and want to be with her. That I would lose my best friend. That I would lose my lover. That I would lose you. To her.”

She could no longer contain it and started sobbing.

“Jennifer. You are absolutely not going to lose me as a friend, nor as a lover. That never crossed my mind. Well, not quite true. I actually thought you might change the relationship if you couldn’t have me exclusively.”

“I don’t want your body exclusively. Just your heart. But even there, I know that Birgit has some kind of claim on it. As I said, that’s so far in the future that I can’t worry about it now. Who knows what will happen eight or ten years from now? I can take that risk. But here and now? That’s different.”

I thought about that for a moment.

“You know, a good adult friend of mine warned me about how getting involved sexually would change the nature of a relationship; of the links between sex and love. And how people didn’t understand just how it might affect them. I think that happened here. We went from loving each other to being in love with each other. I don’t think you intended that to happen.”

“No. I was telling you the truth when I said I was OK with you having sex with other girls. I really was. And I still am, I guess. I thought I was telling you the truth when I said I wanted you to be my lover but still remain friends. I guess that’s not true.”

“So what do you want?”

“I don’t know. I’m confused. I’m scared. I love you so much. But I don’t want to break our agreement. I just can’t help how I feel.”

“We need to talk about Becky, then.”

“Are you going to choose her over me?” she asked plaintively. “Please tell me now if that’s the case. Please. It’ll hurt but it would be better to know now before we go any further.”

“No Jennifer, I’m not choosing her over you. In fact, I refused to make love to her because I was afraid that’s what she wanted - for me to make a choice. For me to be hers, kind of how you want me to be yours. Not having birth control was a fortunate thing. It kept me from making a huge mistake. I told her that, too.”

“You refused? And?”

“And I told her I loved you. And that while I could date her, I could not be exclusive with her. And that if she couldn’t accept me on those terms, then I wasn’t going to get into a physical relationship with her no matter how much she begged me to.”

“What did she say?”

“We talked a long time. In the end, she had to think about it. I insisted, too. I told her I knew that if I was with her it would be making love, not having sex. And I wasn’t going to do that unless she was fully aware of what that meant and what I could give her. The one thing I can’t give her is exclusive access to my heart.

“Jennifer, you know as well as I do about my feelings for Birgit and our possible future. But it might not happen. That actually scares me, but Melanie and my adult friend both keep reminding me of that possibility. I love Birgit. I really do. You know that. You’ve known that since last year.”

“Yes.”

“When I was with Melanie, we joked about her being my backup plan, so to speak. We both knew we couldn’t hurt Birgit, but if things fell apart with Birgit for any reason, then we thought the other person was an option. This was long before you and I even thought about being lovers.”

She stopped me, “Don’t be so sure what I was thinking.”

Oh, shit! I had missed it. All those things I passed off as teasing or joking. All the questions about relationships. All the talk about being available. I had missed it. Oh my God! My shoulders slumped in defeat. I was an idiot. I was clueless. I had no business being in any relationship with anyone. I just sat there, tears running down my face. I had no idea what to do or say.

At least 10 minutes passed before either of us did anything but sob. I knew I had to say something.

“I missed it, didn’t I? You were in love with me pretty much since we first met in chess club, weren’t you.”

“Yes.”

“I am such an idiot. I missed it. Completely. How stupid could I be? And I had sex with you without realizing that! You were a virgin. And then the connection we had was out of this world. I should have known. Oh God, Jennifer, I’m so sorry. I’ve hurt you badly. If you want me to leave now, I will.”

She hugged me fiercely. “Don’t leave. Please. Just stay and hold me.”

Time passed, I don’t even know how long. I didn’t care how long. I didn’t look at a clock. It just didn’t matter.

“Do you regret making love with me, Jennifer?”

“No! No! That’s not what I’m saying. Oh my God, it was the most amazing experience. Maybe it was a fluke, a one-time thing that it was so good. But even so, it was the most beautiful thing I can imagine and I would never say I regret it.”

“So where does this leave us? I don’t think we can go back to just being friends. Do you?”

“No, we crossed a line that we can’t re-cross any more than I could get back the same glass of water I dumped in the ocean. Tell me what you want, please.”

“Shouldn’t you tell me what you want? Isn’t it your heart we’re working on here?”

“Yes. But we’re working on yours as well!”

“Melanie was right. Even if we do everything right, someone could get hurt. In fact, someone probably would get hurt. She told me all I could do was my best. And everyone would have to worry about their own hearts. I think that’s a bit too harsh, frankly. Maybe that works for her. But I’m not her. I have to worry about who I hurt and how I hurt them. I agree my heart matters, but my heart really depends on you - and on some others as well.”