Jokes and Giggles
Chapter 553

Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt

ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

  1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory ... I don’t remember what I chose.

  2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

  3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

  4. Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings...”

  5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.

  6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

  7. There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

  8. Virginity can be cured.

  9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.

  10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

  11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

  12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

  13. Question: What’s an Australian kiss?
    Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

  14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

  15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
    Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.

  16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Answer: Breasts don’t have eyes.

  17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!

Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor!


This one is compliments of GEORGE:

My former business partner arises early each morning, drives to his nearby gym, walks the treadmill for 30 minutes then drives home.

He gave me the dirtiest look when I asked how much money he would save if he cancelled his membership and just walked to the gym and back.


Just remember:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO, What a Ride”

 
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