Chapter 500

These are compliments of the ‘Shy One’

Truisms

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

-I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.

-Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

-I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”

-If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

-Don’t bother telling your problems to anyone - 20 percent don’t care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

-Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

-Take my advice — I’m not using it.

-I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

-Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

-Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

-I’ll bet you $4,567 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.

-Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

-Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

-My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

-Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

-He who laughs last thinks slowest.

-Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

-Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

-Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

-If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

These are compliments of John A

Why Teachers Drink

The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 18 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons?
A ... Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed?
A ... The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A ... If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A ... Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q ... What happens to your body as you age?
A ... When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A ... He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A ... Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A ... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A ... Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A ... The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A ... A small lie

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A ... Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A ... Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A ... The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A ... A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A ... Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)