Jokes and Giggles
Chapter 447

Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt

English humour

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"

He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,

"That's gonna be a bit awkward i'nit?"

"Not really," he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

Angela Merkel arrives at Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.


"No, just here for a few days."

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered "the local cafe serves breakfast until 11."

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said, "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."

A man is seeking to join the Vancouver Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six activists, and a rabbit."

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Excellent!" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

From the 'Shy One'

Performance Evaluation comments:

1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

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