Chapter 447

English humour

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"

He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,

"That's gonna be a bit awkward i'nit?"

"Not really," he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

Angela Merkel arrives at Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered "the local cafe serves breakfast until 11."

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said, "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."

A man is seeking to join the Vancouver Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six activists, and a rabbit."

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Excellent!" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

From the 'Shy One'

Performance Evaluation comments:

1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

12) "A gross ignoramus... 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15) "He's been working with glue too much."

16) "He would argue with a signpost."

17) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection..."

22) "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it."

23) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."

24) "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28) "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29) "One neuro short of a synapse."

30) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31) "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 minutes'."

32) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."