Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
All in the Language
Sean is the vicar of a Church of England parish, on the border of Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:
"THE END IS NEAR.
TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW.
BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells:
"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."
From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash. Shaking his head, Father Patrick says:
"Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds: "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say: BRIDGE CLOSED This one is compliments of chuck A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."