Chapter 279

All in the Language

Sean is the vicar of a Church of England parish, on the border of Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:

"THE END IS NEAR.

TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW.

BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells:

"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."

From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash. Shaking his head, Father Patrick says:

"Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds: "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say: BRIDGE CLOSED This one is compliments of chuck A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, " Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

(I love this part)

"Only when he's been drinking."

This one is compliments of Gary

'Boobs Do you know what all those little bumps around a woman's nipples are for? They're braille for 'Suck Here!'