Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
These are compliments of Dale
As the coffin is being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screamed, "I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth, and mutters, "Too fucking late pal! I've already done the paperwork!"
A young man calls on his new girl for a first date.
"I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents, who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf-mutes."
After about 10 minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny.
Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.
The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.
After another 10 minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster, with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.
At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"
"No, it's not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. First your mother jumped from her chair, lifted up her skirt, pulled down her panties, and threw a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't enough, your father raced from his chair, leaned her over the couch and did her from behind. He then sat back down and placed a matchstick by his eye."
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response. "That's how they communicate! Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, screw him. I'm watching the match.'"
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timers Bar -- ALL drinks 10p." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.