Chapter 67

These are compliments of Dale

As the coffin is being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screamed, "I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth, and mutters, "Too fucking late pal! I've already done the paperwork!"

A young man calls on his new girl for a first date.

"I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents, who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf-mutes."

After about 10 minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny.

Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

After another 10 minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster, with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"

"No, it's not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. First your mother jumped from her chair, lifted up her skirt, pulled down her panties, and threw a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't enough, your father raced from his chair, leaned her over the couch and did her from behind. He then sat back down and placed a matchstick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response. "That's how they communicate! Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, screw him. I'm watching the match.'"

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timers Bar -- ALL drinks 10p." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

Graeme, the old bartender, says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

It's a fully stocked bar, so each man orders a martini. In no time, the bartender serves up four iced martinis -- shaken, not stirred -- and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?"

"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year, I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, liquor, beer -- it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour, when drinks are half-price."