Chapter 998

ATTENTION:
EMPLOYEE NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS(Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas & oil as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

This one is compliments of Cymboria

A woman is in the grocery store looking for a turkey but none of them are big enough. So she goes up to a Stock Boy and asks “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The Stock Boy responds “No, they’re dead.”

This one is compliments of attila.iskander

The Tiny cabin

A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts was transferred to the mountains of West Virginia.

On the first tour of her new territory she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

“Anybody home?” she asked.

“Yep,” came a kid’s voice through the door.

“Is your father there?” asked the social worker.

“Pa? Nope, he left a’fore Ma came in,” said the kid.

“Well, is your mother there?” persisted the social worker.

“Ma? Nope, she left just a’fore I got here,” said the kid.

“But,” protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she would need to intervene in this situation)

“Are you never together as a family?”

“Sure, but not here,” said the kid through the door. “This is the outhouse!”

This one is compliment of the watertownkid‎

A couple was having dinner in a posh restaurant, enjoying an exquisite meal. As they were eating the main course, a beautiful redhead sauntered to the table, leaned in a whispered something in the husband’s ear, giggled and then trailed her hand across his face and neck as she swayed away.

The wife hisses, “Just who was that?”

The husband replied, “My mistress.”

“You bastard. I’m going to divorce you.”

“As you wish, dear. But I have great lawyers. You’ll do OK but you won’t be living in the Palm Beach waterfront mansion or in the mountain estate. You won’t be riding in the chauffeured limousine or in your new Mercedes sports car and you certainly will not have access to the Gulfstream 650 or to the American Express black card.”

The wife settled back as the waiter cleared the entree dishes and then brought out the dessert. As they sat in silence, a familiar looking man accompanied by a young, top heavy blond walked by their table. The man nodded to the husband.

“Who is that?” asked the wife.

“Fred Goldman. And his mistress.”

The wife thought a moment and then said, “Ours is prettier.”

This one is compliments of R. McFee

(stolen from http://www.everyjoe com/2017/01/16/)

if the stork brings white babies, and the blackbird brings black babies, what brings no babies?

A swallow.