Chapter 994

I was sitting there at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says menacingly.

“You’ve just made this the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure.

I was late to a meeting this morning, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab that I then took home where I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve ... and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, enough about me, how are you doing?”

Heaven

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in.”

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?”

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen”.

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and says, “What do you believe?”

Hillary says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose; I’ve always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American.”

God is greatly moved by Hillary’s high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, “And you, Donald, what do you believe?”

Trump replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”