Chapter 991

These are compliments of Allan

BURIAL PLANS

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”

(HERE IT COMES!!!)

The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down ... and I know he won’t ask for directions.”

A radioactive cat has 18 half-lives.

A lonely frog goes to a psychic to find out about his future. The psychic tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled and says, “This is great! Where will I meet her? At work, at a party?”

“No,” says the psychic, “in a biology class.”

Two chemists, a brunette and a blonde, walk into a bar.

The brunette says, “I’ll have some H2O.”

The blonde says, “I’ll have some H2O, too.”

The blonde died.

There’s a new kind of coffee that acts as a strong laxative.

It’s called G.I. Joe

How do two cats make love?

The male cat goes to the female cat and says ‘naaaoooouuuw’.

And the female cat responds by saying, ‘not naaaoooouuuw’.

If you rob a bank in a sanctuary city, is it “illegal”, or just an “undocumented withdrawal”?

What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and ET?

ET learned to speak English and wanted to go home...

A liberal is someone who wants you to think like them.

A conservative is someone who just wants you to think.

A man went to the local church and asked to Join. The preacher said “Ok, but you have to pass a small bible test first. The first question is ‘Where was Jesus born?’”

The man answered “Longview”.

The preacher said “Sorry ... you can’t join our church.”

Soooooo ... he went to another church and asked to join. The preacher said “We would love to have you but you have to pass a bible test first. “Where was Jesus born?” The man said “Tyler”.

The preacher said “Sorry ... you can’t join our church.

Soooo ... he goes to another church and asked to join.

The preacher said “That’s great we welcome you with open arms.”

The man said “I don’t have to pass no Bible test first?”

The preacher said “No.”

The man said “Can I ask you a question?”

The preacher said “Sure.”

The man said “Where was Jesus born?”

The preacher said “Palestine.”

The man mumbled to himself...

“I knew it was in East Texas somewhere.”

After Eve ate the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge (not an apple, by the way... ), why did she give some to Adam?

Because she was afraid that she would die, he would live, and he would marry someone else.

From this we get the expression, “My wife will be the death of me.”

What was the first thing Eve did every day, when Adam came home from work?

She counted his ribs.

Two herrings met in the North sea. One asked the other where his brother was.

The other replied, “How should I know? Am I my brother’s kipper?”