Chapter 982

The following are compliments of Pete C Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault. They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, “Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?”

One of the robbers said, “What’s on your mind, pal?”

“Would you mind taking the books, too? I’m five thousand short.”

Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he said...

“Brothers and Sisters, I don’t like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner’s wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name.”

Later, as he counted the money he found 2O five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read “Forever hold your peace, I’ll have that other three dollars before sundown.”

I once found a throw rug in a catch basin.

I bought a dog the other day ... I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him...”Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

-- Steven Wright

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

We have mileage, yardage and footage. Why don’t we have inchage?

Bumper Sticker:

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building ... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

-- Steven Wright

Studies show that 100% of those who advocate abortion are people who already have been born.

What’s dumb? Directions on toilet paper.

What’s dumber than that? Reading them.

Even dumber? Reading them and learning something.

Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you’ve been doing wrong.

Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.

As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day’s work.

He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said “Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It’s the least I can do.”

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. “Oh my God!!!” he whispered loudly, “It’s my wife! Quick!!! Take all your clothes off.”

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.