Chapter 981

British News Bits

___ From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: ___
‘Would the Congregation please note that the
bowl at the back of the Church labeled “For The Sick”,
is for monetary donations only.’

___ From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in
a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: ___
‘Will the person who took a slice of cake from
the Commissioner’s Office return it immediately.
It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.’

___ From The Times: ___
‘A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a
set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on
an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman
commented, “This sort of thing is all too
common these days.”

___ From The Gloucester Citizen: ___
‘A sex line caller complained to Trading
Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an
advertisement entitled “Hear Me Moan” the caller was
played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for
failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs
in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying,
“He got what he deserved.”

___ From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed
“Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes”: ___
“ ... the money will not be going directly into
the prostitutes’ pocket, but will be used to encourage
them to lead a better life. We will be training them
for new positions in hotels.”

___ From The Derby Abbey Community News: ___
“We apologize for the error in the last
edition, in which we stated that ‘Mr Fred Nicolme is a
Defective in the Police Force’. This was a typographical
error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective
in the Police Farce.”

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: “Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”.

Everyone talks about apathy, ... but no one does anything about it!

Failed in business... 1831
Lost election for legislature... 1832
Failed again in business... 1834
Sweetheard died... 1835
Nervous breakdown... 1836
Lost second political race... 1838
Defeated for Congress... 1843
Defeated for Congress... 1846
Defeated for Congress... 1848
Defeated for US Senate... 1855
Defeated for Vice President... 1856
Defeated for US Senate... 1858
Elected President... 1860

Abraham Lincoln

Q: What do you call a dozen blondes in a freezer?

A: Frosted Flakes

How can you make money these days?

Buy 50 female pigs and 50 male deer —
and you’ll have a hundred sows and bucks.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

PETER MARSHALL’S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM “HOLLYWOOD

SQUARES”

1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why?

PAUL LYNDE: He’s out of town.

2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie “What’s The Matter With Helen?” Who plays Helen?

CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver--that’s why they asked the question.

3. What are “dual-purpose cattle” good for that other cattle aren’t?

PAUL LYNDE: They give milk ... and cookies, but I don’t recommend the cookies.