Chapter 980

The following are compliments of Pete Compton

A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. (“The Horizontal Disco”)

Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

The old man said, “Sure!”

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

“Sure, why?”

“Well you’d better get over there, you’re about to come!”

This really sounds like Jim7 one of my editors.

A young and inexperienced advocate is leading evidence from his female client, the plaintiff. “When last did you cohabit?” he asks.

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“When did you last have sex?”

“Oh ... this morning.”

“You had sex this morning with your husband?” asks the astonished advocate.

“No, sir - with my attorney.”

POSSIBLE TITLES FOR LEWINSKY’S NEW BOOK

I Suck At My Job

What Really Goes Down In The White House

How I Blew It In Washington

You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President

Podium Girl

Secret Services to the President

Deep Inside The Oval Office

The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions

Going Down and Moving Up

Me and My Big Mouth

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride’s and groom’s families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting “Silence in Court.”

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, “Judge ... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.”

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says “OK.”

“Well”, said Paddy, “After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song ... when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates.”

The Judge instantly responded... “Wow ... that must have hurt!”

Paddy replies “HURT! ... He broke three of my fingers!”

A guy was accosted by a hooker. She asked, “How ‘bout some relaxing oral sex, honey? Only $50”

“No way!” he responded. “I’m married!”

“So? What difference does that make?” asked the hooker.

So he told her, “The difference is my wife will do it for only $35.”

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, “I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find ‘em?”

The pharmacist replied, “Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They’re on aisle 4.”

“No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it,” growled the farmer.

“Sir,” said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, “PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I’m sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide.”

“Listen here,” argued the farmer, “my wife’s got a bug up her ass and I’m a goin’ huntin’ for it. Like I said, I want me one of them condoms with PESTICIDE on it!”

Q: Why do so many brides start to get crow’s feet as soon as they are married?

A: From squinting and saying: “Suck what?”