Chapter 979

These are compliments of Pete C.

If marriage were outlawed, then only outlaws would have inlaws.

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”

“Nothing,” said the husband. “The lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out of it!”

A Priest And A Bus Driver

A priest and a bus driver both died and went to heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where St. Peter greets them.

He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and says “This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to a wishing well. Anything you wish on that wishing well will come true guaranteed.”

The priest says, “Oh, thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!”

St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver. They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge castle on one of the mountains with about 200 rooms. St. Peter says “This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want.”

The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says “Well, now, don’t think I’m not grateful, but shouldn’t the priest get all this, not me? Shouldn’t I get the cottage and 50 acres instead?”

St. Peter just laughs and says “The reason you get all this is because when the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. Now, when you drove your bus, people prayed!”

If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on Earth?

Why is it that when you talk to God you’re praying, but when he talks to you, you’re crazy?

Seen on a bumper sticker: “Old age is inevitable; growing up is optional.”

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees with me.

The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

Would a disaffected member of Generation X be a highly-motivated and successful person?

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said “Look at that dog with one eye!”

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, “Where?”

Dear Bill:

OK, so I’ll never be president,
but at least Donna Rice was a babe!

Gary Hart

I just came back from the Twin Cities. They didn’t look alike.

I keep hearing about Clinton’s oaf of office. Is that Al Gore?

To err is humor.

Beer Convention

There’s a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands...

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of ‘Budweiser’ orders a Bud, the president of ‘Carlsberg’ orders a Carlsberg, and the list goes on...

Then the waitress asks Freddie Heineken what he wants to drink, and much to everybody’s amazement, Mr. Heineken orders a Coke!

“Why don’t you order a Heineken?” his colleagues ask...

“Naah. If you guys won’t drink beer, then neither will I.”

Haircuts - The Difference Between Men and Women

Women’s version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh Gosh no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men’s version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

A Wet Rabbit...

A woman walks into a vet’s waiting room. She’s dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there.