Chapter 977

HOT COFFEE and PRIME MINISTERS

I was eating breakfast with my teenaged Granddaughter and I asked her,

“What special day was it in Canada yesterday?”.

Without skipping a beat she said, “It was Prime Minister’s Day!”

She’s smart, so I asked her, “What does Prime Minister’s Day mean?”

I was waiting for something about Trudeau.

She replied, “Prime Minister Day is when the Prime Minister steps out of the Prime Minister’s Residence, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit.”

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis. He called in his receptionist to show her.

She took one look and said,

“Big deal. That’s just like my husband’s penis.”

“You mean he’s got one that long?” asked the surprised mortician.

“No,” she replied. “That dead.”

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.

Well here is the low down on the whole thing...

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’ em. When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for?’

She answered --

(Continue below - This is great)

‘THE TEETH.’

Cheers

A woman from Vancouver who was a tree hugging, Liberal and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Kamloops BC. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Liberal, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”

He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, and the Department of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a ‘recreational area’ so close to a waste treatment facility. I’m sorry, but due to Conservative cutbacks they turned you down...