Chapter 96

This one is compliments of RabbiRabbit

A young woman joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. She went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take her first jump from an airplane. The next day, she called home to tell her mother the news.

'So, did you jump?' asked the mother.

"Well, let me tell you what happened," the girl said. "We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen people got up and just walked out of the plane."

"Is that when you jumped?" asked her mother.

"Uh, no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

''Did you jump then?" asked her mother.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last one left on the plane.

I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump.

He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?''

"No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go.

Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump

Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Are you gonna jump or not?''

I said, 'No sir, I'm too scared.'"

"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took out his you-know-what. I swear, Mom, it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked her mother.

"Well, a little, at first."

This one is compliments of Phil

I went to the doctor for my annual physical yesterday. (I'm 78) The doc asked me, "How often do you have sex, Mr. Smith?"

So I told him, "I have sex almost every day."

He raised his eyebrows and asked, "Really?"

"Sure do. Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost every day."

This one is compliments of Mike

Joe went to the doctor complaining of an unsightly lump behind each ear.

Doc gives him a thorough examination, but can't figure out the cause so he asks him some questions, "have you been feeling OK recently",

"well I did have a few aches and pains a couple of weeks ago"

"did you take anything for that"

"Yep I took a couple of pills that were in the bathroom cabinet"

Doc checks through his records, then says "what were these pills like?"

Joe replies "Small round green ones"

"Ah" says doc, "I gave your wife those for a dropped womb, ... how the heck do we get your balls back down?"