Chapter 959

Cynical Philosopher

• I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

• I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

• When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

• Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

• America, like Canada, is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

• You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

• Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

• My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

• I think my neighbour is stalking me as she’s been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

• Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

• You’re not fat, you’re just easier to see.

• If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

• I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

• I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

• My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

• My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

• Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

• The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

• The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

• I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

• Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

Now, go have a nice day, or whichever kind of day you want.

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want”

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”