Chapter 954

Dearest Redneck Son,

I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since. The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down!

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt, Mom

The following is compliments of RJS.

Three elderly sisters lived together in the old family home. The oldest was 96, the middle sister was 94, and the youngster was 92.

The Eldest informed her two younger siblings tha she was going to go upstairs and take a bath. a little while later, there was a horrid scream of terror from the bathroom.

“What’s wrong?” the middle sister called up the stairs.

“I can’t remember if I was getting into the tub or getting out!”, the oldest replied.

“Hold on. I’ll be right up to help,” the middle sibling replied. A minute later, she too let out a cry of frustration.

“Now what?”, the youngest asked of the woman half way up the stairs.

“I can’t remember if I was going up or coming down!” the middle sister declared.

“Good Gawd,” the youngest muttered to herself. “I’m sure glad I’m not as addled as those two, and hope I never will be, knock on wood”, and she rapped on the table three times for emphasis.

“Hold on,” she informed her two sisters. “I’ll be right there to help out ... just as soon as I find out who’s knocking on our front door!”

A young mother was walking down a busy city street, pushing a baby stroller that held her new-born baby. Spotting one of her favorite restaurants, she decided that a bite to eat would be a good idea. Opening the entrance door and pushing her stroller in first, she was greeted by a friendly-sounding waiter.

“Welcome to Don’s Bistro, madam,” he said as he smiled. “I see you have a baby. Congratulations. Mind if I have a peek?”

The woman’s grin was all the answer he needed, and he leaned forward to pull back the blanket that covered the youngster. But one look and he gasped, his face now showing a look of horror.

“My Gawd!”, he exclaimed. “That’s got to be the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

The new mother immediately called the waiter every name in the book, and made up a few new ones, just in case. Several of the restaurant’s patrons also glanced into the stroller, many of them equally horrified. Soon the manager came out from the back to find out what all the screaming was about.

“Your uncouth waiter insulted my baby!”, the woman told the manager. “I want him fired immediately!”

“Madam, I apologize on behalf of Don’s Bistro”, the manager attempted to soothe the woman’s ruffled feathers. “As a token of our desire to satisfy all our customers, I’m prepared to offer you with any item of your choice on our menu, free of charge. Would you care to peruse a menu?”

The woman was now somewhat mollified. She took a seat that the manager had pulled out from one of the tables. He waited patiently as she finally made up her mind.

“I’ll have the New York steak, medium rare, a baked potato with all the trimmings, and your vegetable of the day,” she placed her order.

“Thank you, Madam,” the manager accepted her request. “I’ll send this right to our head chef ... and I’ll see if I can find a banana for your monkey!”