Chapter 952

This group is compliments of J& B.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2 Law of Gravity Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3 Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4 Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5 Variation Law If you change queues (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6 Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7 Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

8 Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!

9 Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theatres & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last ... They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy’s Law of Lockers If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors’ Law If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

If you don’t forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off. Really ... It’s true. I read it on the Internet!

The Glasgow Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties.

“May I help you sir?” she asked.

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is our most expensive lady. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam.

“No, I must see Valerie,” he replied.

Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, he pulled out five thousand $ and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

Next night the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie said that never before had anyone come back the next night; she was so expensive. There were no discounts; the price was still $5,000.

At once the man gave Valerie the money and they went upstairs. After an hour he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded, but he paid Valerie and they again went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

The man replied, “Edinburgh.” “Really,” she said. “I have family in Edinburgh.”

“I know.” he said. “Your sister died, and I’m her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your $15,000 inheritance in person.”