Chapter 949

A couple of oldies from John W.

Q: What’s the definition of a mistress?

A: Something between a mister and a mattress.

Q: What came first, the chicken or the egg?

A: Neither, it was the cockerel.

These are compliments of Gary H.

The afterlife

An older Sun City couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, “Mary ... Mary...”

“Is that you, Fred?”

“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”

“What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.”

“Oh, Fred, you surely must be in heaven.”

“Not exactly, I’m a rabbit on a golf course in Des Moines, Iowa.”

Lexus LS400

A woman bought a new Lexus LS 400. She returned it to the dealer the next day, complaining that she couldn’t figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

“Watch this!” he said... “Nelson!”

The radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?”

“Willie!” he continued, and “On The Road Again” came from the speakers.

The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she’d say, “Beethoven”, she’d get beautiful classical music, and if she said,

“Beatles!” she’d get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid them.

“ASSHOLES!” she yelled...

The French National Anthem began to play.

Subject: Low oil?

Now why didn’t I think of this before now?????

A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there’s a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn’t know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, and Texas.

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” “Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”

A lady inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Husband Wanted.” Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”