Chapter 945

The following are compliments of Pete C.

Start the day with a smile.

After that, ... you can be your nasty old self again.

A man walks in to the country store and asks the clerk for a package of condoms. The clerk asks “what size are you”? “I dunno” replies the man.

Well the clerk tells him to go out back where there is a plywood fence with numbered holes in it. He is told to stick it in various holes to determine his size. Well, this big ‘ol fat girl sees the man heading out back and runs around behind the fence. As soon as the man sticks it thru the hole, the fat girl picks up her muumuu and backs up to the fence.

A while later the man returns and the clerk asks him “Well, what size will it be”? “Ah, forget them” the man replies, “I’ll just take 3 sheets of that plywood”!!

People greatly underestimate the seriousness of the Y2K bug.

After all, to fix the problem, a computer programmer needs to find a date ... and we all know the likelihood of that happening!

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!”

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said “I can’t take this, you’re my friend”. The blonde said “No! A bet’s a bet”.

So the redhead said “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money”.

The blonde replied “well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”

Bagpipe Gags

Q. What’s the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Q. What’s the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit

any of the ducks.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin

blindfolded? A. You don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe? A. You can tune the lawn mower.

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for

directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune

bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you

have been hallucinating.

Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe? A. Add vibrato.

Q. What’s the definition of a gentleman? A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn’t.

Q. What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and

dead bagpiper in the road? A. Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q. What’s the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road

and a dead country singer in the road? A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording

session.

Q. What’s the range of a bagpipe? A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning? A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? A. Someone is blowing into it.

If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end -- it would be a good idea.

Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean? A. A good start.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A. To get away from the sound.

Q. What’s the definition of “optimism” A. A bagpiper with a beeper.

Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his bagpipes in the back seat?

He rushed back as soon as he realised it, but it was too late -- someone had already put another set of bagpipes in the car!