Chapter 943

The following are compliments of Pete C.

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse’s confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

“Don’t be afraid, darling,” said the man. “Wait until I tell you about this.”

“Get out of here!” cried his wife. “And take that sex maniac with you!”

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft...

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
Patron: No, it’s still there.
Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try

eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What

kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration

problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to

do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you

noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup

of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.

I’m running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day... $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day... $2.50
Access to support... $1.00

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant’s motion?

Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.

What does an atheist say when she’s having an orgasm?

“Darwin! Oh, Darwin!”

MIND GAMES FOR DOGS TO PLAY WITH HUMANS

After your humans gives you a bath, don’t let them towel you dry! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your human’s bedtime.

Act like a convicted criminal. When your humans come home, put your ears back, with tail between your legs and chin down, and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. Note: This works best when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about.

Help your humans learn patience. When you go outside to ‘pee’, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.

A lady walks into an Ice Cream Parlor and asks “could I please have a gallon of chocolate ice cream?”

The salesman replies, “I’m sorry miss, we just sold our last gallon of chocolate ice cream a few minutes ago. Could I interest you in another flavor?”

So the lady replies, “Ok then, I’ll just have a quart of chocolate ice cream”

The salesman replies, “I’m sorry. We don’t have any chocolate ice cream.”

The lady then asks “all right, then could I have a just a pint of chocolate ice cream?” Again the salesman responds angrier this time “i’m sorry, we don’t have any chocolate ice cream”

So the lady says “Fine, I’ll just have a cone of chocolate ice cream.”

“Listen lady!” he yells. “How do you spell VAN in VANilla?”

“V-A-N” she spells.

“How do you spell STRAW in STRAWberry?”

“S-T-R-A-W” she again spells.

“And how do you spell FUCK in chocolate?”

She thinks for a minute and says “There is no FUCK in chocolate”

“EXACTLY!”

It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”

To which the boy replies, “Now we run like Hell!”

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked “what happened here today?” She again smiled and answered, “You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?”

“Yes.” was his reply.

“Well, today I didn’t do it!”

A blonde went to her mail box several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds.

A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.

Her reply: “My computer keeps telling me I have mail”.

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is blonde.

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things- chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. “Why don’t you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?” This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

“How did you enjoy that?” asked the uncle.

“It was great!” exclaimed the nephew. “Got any more dogs?”

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

New Year’s Resolutions For Internet Junkies

1. I will try to figure out why I really need 7 e-mail addresses.

2. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

3. I resolve ... I resolve to ... I resolve to, uh ... I resolve to, uh, get my, uh, ... I resolve to, uh, get my, uh, offline work done too!

4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

5. I resolve to back up my 1GB hard drive daily ... well, once a week ... okay, monthly then ... or maybe...

6. I will spend less time on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.

7. When I hear a funny joke I won’t reply “LOL ... LOL!”

8. I will read the manual ... just as soon as I can find it.

9. I will think of a password other than “password.”

10. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

I’ve found that women are the chief cause of men’s lying.

... They insist on asking too damn many questions!!!

Some bars have the strangest rules when ya think about it. I mean, why do I have to wear a shirt and tie to go in a bar to see a topless dancer.

The Top 15 New Slogans for the Republican Party

15. Putting the HIP back in Hypocrisy

14. Adultery with Dignity

13. $40 million is peanuts compared to what they want to give poor folks!

12. Moraler Then Thou!

11. Let’s Get Ready To Stumblllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllle!

10. Please, don’t squeeze the Chairman

9. 3% More Ethical Than the Other Guys

8. We Love to Pry, and it Shows

7. 1000 Points of Spite

6. LALALALA! We’re Not Listening!!!!

5. Your choice, America: Vote Republican or roast in hell.

4. The New GOP -- Now with Black folks!

3. Upholding Principle and Truth Since 1998

2. With our finger on the pulse of the American peop ... Strom? Strom?!

and the Number 1 New Slogan for the Republican Party...

1. Impeachment: Because the Secret Service Won’t Let Us Get Close Enough To Lynch

The Top 15 New Slogans for the Democratic Party

15. Okay, he’s a hound -- But he’s OUR hound!

14. Vote for Our Guy or These Dole Viagra Pictures Hit the Internet

13. If the Dome is A-Rockin’, Don’t Come A-Knockin’!

12. When the Going Gets Tough, We Bomb Iraq.

11. So Spank Us!

10. It’s Not Our Fault All the Good Ones Get Shot

9. Our Pants May Fall, But Your 401(K) Value Won’t!

8. Felonies Dismissed While You Wait

7. Slide your fine ass over here and give us a vote, Darlin’!!

6. Mmmmmmm ... Peachy!

5. Oh, So You Wanna Play Rough, Huh?

4. C’mon -- We Didn’t Know He Was THAT Horny!

3. We’ve Got Cigarfignugen!

2. Impeach THIS!!!

and the Number 1 New Slogan for the Democratic Party...

1. Laid in America

I eat Swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. -- Steven Wright

This guy is sitting at the end of the bar looking gloomy. His friend arrives and sits down beside him. “Why so glum, chum?” he asks his sad friend.

“Oh, it’s my wife, she beats me at everything we compete at. Jogging, bowling, tennis, cards ... just everything.”

The friend orders a beer and pauses to think. “I know,” he exclaims, “Challenge her to a pissing contest.”

“A pissing contest?”

“Surely you can out distance her on that ... do it on the front lawn so you can see the difference.”

“Ok, I’ll do it.”

So he goes home and says to his wife, “I challenge you to distance pissing contest. We’ll meet on the front lawn after dark.”

So they each prepare themselves drinking lots of beverage prior to the contest. After dark they meet and the husband suggests the wife go first. So she drops her drawers and lets out with a modest shower.

Hubby steps up, drops his drawers, and grabs his “equipment”. His wife says, “Ah, no, dear. No hands allowed.”

A woman goes into a store and buys a beautiful green and blue parrot. But the only words the parrot knows how to say are: “Who is it?”

She takes the parrot home, but soon realizes that the bird’s color clashes with the living room. So she calls an Interior designer, who says he will come by shortly.

When the Decorator comes, the woman is out shopping. He knocks on the door, and the parrot says “who is it?”

The man says, “It’s the decorator.”

The parrot says “who is it?”

The man says “It’s the decorator.”

The parrot says “Who is it?”

The man says “It’s the decorator!!!”

The parrot says “who is it?”

The man screams “The decorator!”

The decorator gets so mad, that he pops a blood vessel, and dies on the spot.

The lady comes home and finds a dead man lying on her front porch. She says, “Oh my gosh ... who is it?”

The parrot replies, “It’s the decorator!”

A Muslim was killed in a car accident. He arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says “I’m St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven”.

The Muslim says “Nice to meet you Peter but I’m a Muslim and I want to meet Muhammad.”

St. Peter says “Sure no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad”

The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there is Moses. Moses says “Hi I’m Moses. Welcome to Heaven”.

The Muslim is very excited - “Moses, its such an honor to meet you. But like I told St. Peter, I’m a Muslim and I really want to meet Muhammad”.

Moses says “No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad.

The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top, he can’t see anything but bright light. He sees this figure before him and asks “Who are you?”

The figure responds - “I am God. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Heaven”. God walks over and shakes his hand.

The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak. He says to God “Sir, it is such an honor to meet you - I can’t believe it - this place is great. But I’m a Muslim and, no disrespect intended, but I really want to meet Muhammad.”

God says “Ohh ... You’re here to see Muhammad. I see. No problem. Have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?”

The Muslim says “I would love a cup of coffee”