Chapter 942

These are compliments of Pete C.

“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”

-- Woody Allen

“In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period, the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. There is something fascinating about science.

One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.”

-- Mark Twain

How to interpret employment ads

“Competitive Salary” - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“Join Our Fast Paced Company” - We have no time to train you.

“Casual Work Atmosphere” - We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

“Must be Deadline Oriented” - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“Some Overtime Required” - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

“Duties will Vary” - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“Must have an Eye for Detail” - We have no quality control.

“Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience” - You will need to replace three people who just left.

“Problem Solving Skills a Must” - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven’t heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

“Requires Team Leadership Skills” - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

“Good Communication Skills” - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public.

- Vilhjalmur Stefansson (1879-1962)

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. -- Steven Wright

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, “And get me a coke, you cow!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another coke dogface!” Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!”

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, “For someone who can’t fly, you’ve got guts!”

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

Childhood: That period when nightmares occur only during sleep.

Last night as I lay in bed looking up at the stars, I thought to myself, Where the hell’s the ceiling?!

A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and when asked why he’s there, the fellow responds, “Doctor, I’m tired of being on the outside looking in.”

“Well...” responded the doctor, “sounds like we have to try to improve your self-image. Let’s get a few basic facts first. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a window washer.” responded the patient.

A day in the life of Macrosoft

Hi. My name is Sherman. I work at Macrosoft. I read something lately that said Macrosoft was “the technological equivalent of a sweatshop” and it bothered me. I want to set the record straight so I decided to record what I do on a typical day at work. I hope this will clear things up. Thank you.

4:33 AM -- I woke up and put my pillow and blanket into the bottom drawer of my desk. Went down the hall for a double espresso but some idiot had turned the machine off. Had to settle for French Roast. Gordon stopped me on the way back to the office and asked if I would crack his back. He still hasn’t gotten used to the floor.

4:38 AM -- Gordon’s back cracked a little too loudly and he left for the hospital to get checked out. I am back at my desk checking my mail. Hmmm ... Wow! There’s a note here about the planning meeting for our new product. They’ve decided to call it Industry ‘99 because it will do everything our other suite does plus put Federal Express, Charles Schwab, and Nabisco out of business. Kewl, dude!

4:41 AM -- Got another bloody nose. I don’t believe that damned doctor. There is no way caffeine can cause this. Shit, out of Kleenex. Thank God for that medicine cabinet.

4:43 AM -- Just got back and am ready for work. Boy, they keep putting new stuff in that medicine cabinet. Vivarin! What will they think of next. A couple of those and that espresso machine can kiss my ass.

4:45 AM -- Started coding. These hidden functions are tough. I don’t know how they expect me to stop someone’s modem lights from blinking while we upload their life’s history during registration. Hmm ... maybe a BIOS call to the serial driver.

5:01 AM -- Time for breakfast. Damned microwave. Even on defrost it still makes the cream squirt right out of the Twinkies. Well, at least old Gordon’s not here. Yesterday he was so tweaked out on Jolt he set it on high and the damned things exploded. Boy was maintenance pissed off. Took em half an hour to scrape that shit off the inside of the oven. We will have a meeting on that one.

5:10 AM -- Ah, nothing like a good meal. Burned my tongue though. Shit, it hurts. Read the company newsletter while I was eating and it mentioned that the wife changed her mind again on the layout of the kitchen at Bill’s new estate. Damn, at the rate they’re going they’ll move in on the same day he throws the switch and sends the ultimatum to Washington. Ooopps. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. That’s a top secret project. Oh, well, now you know.

5:16 AM -- Went out to the Web with Exploder 7.0 Beta. Just installed it yesterday and it ate my hard drive. They aren’t sure if that bug will be fixed. Too close to shipping. The plan is to blame it on Quicken if anyone calls support. PointCast is really hosed though and that pisses me off. Can’t get my stock quotes.

5:22 AM -- Gordon called. Says they’ve got him in a back brace. Promised to say he slipped in the game room while playing Asteroids so he can get L&I. He sounded a little pissed though. Better not play basketball with him anytime soon.

5:28 AM -- Damned contractor called in. He says his father died. Guess I’ll be testing today too. Oh well, I’ll throw in a few extra-nasty bugs just for him to choke on next week. Damned guys are spoiled. They only work 60 hours a week and cry like babies.

5:37 AM -- Cutting more code. Damned DOA objects. Never do what you want. Stupid thing just grabbed one of my dirty jpegs and slammed it into the server in building 36. Assholes don’t even give me delete rights. Damn. Better get over there and thrash it before the shit hits the fan.