Chapter 940

These are compliments of Rick M.

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital. “Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse.”

The voice on the other end said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”

“Sarah Finkel, Room 302.”

“I’ll connect you with the nursing station”

“3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?”

“I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302.”

“Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals. Her blood pressure is fine. She is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.”

The woman said, “What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic ... that’s wonderful news!”

The nurse said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!”

“Neither! I’m Sarah Finkel in Room 302! Nobody here tells me shit.”

10 funny random thoughts to about 2016

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. (try not to think of people you work with)

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world more exciting. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2016:

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven’t got a clue as to where thousands of terrorists are located. Maybe the Department of Agriculture should be in charge of immigration...

Ha Ha!!! May 2017 be better than 2016 was to you!

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, “Gloria, have you ever had contact with a penis?”

She giggles and shyly replies, “Well I once touched one with the tip of my finger...”

St. Peter says, “Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates.”

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Catherine, have you ever had contact with a penis?”

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well once I fondled and stroked one.”

St. Peter says “OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.”

All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, “Lisa! What seems to be the rush?”

The girl replies, “Well, If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her ass in it!”