Chapter 912

These little Ditties are compliments of Bob W

There once was a miss from Dallas
she used a dynamite stick for a phallus
They found her vagina in North Carolina
and bits of her tits in Nogales.

There was a diva from Sparta
who was a magnificent farta
BOOM! went her ass with
Bach’s B-Minor Mass
and for an encore she played a sonata

This one is compliments of Gary:

The doctor came out of the exam room chuckling after he had given a physical to an old retired sailor. His nurse asked, “What’s so funny?”

The doctor replies, “You need to go in and see this old guy. He has his girlfriend’s name, ‘Tina’ tattooed on his pecker.”

So the nurse decides to go check it out. A while later she comes out of the exam room and tells the doctor, “You were mistaken about him. He doesn’t have his girlfriend’s name tattooed on his equipment, he has his ship’s name tattooed on it. The Ticonderoga!”

These are compliments of Andrew B.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says: “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed: ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer.” the man replies.

You may have heard about the Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered “mentally unstable”.

In Michigan, he’d be called “The last white guy still living in Detroit.”

In Minnesota & Wisconsin, he’d be called “ALMOST ready for deer season”.

In Arizona, he’d be called “An avid gun collector.”

In Arkansas, he’d be called “A novice gun collector.”

In Utah, he’d be called “Moderately well prepared,” but they’d probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Kansas, he’d be “A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend.”

In Montana, he’d be called “The neighborhood ‘go-to’ guy.”

In Alabama, he’d be called “A likely gubernatorial candidate.”

In Georgia, he’d be called “An eligible bachelor.”

In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called “A deer hunting buddy.”

And in Texas he’d just be “Bubba, who’s a little short on ammo.”

An avid sportsman and hunter, Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his equipment ready for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

“Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married I think it’s time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.”

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says “Darling, what’s wrong?”

Tim responds, “You were beginning to look like my ex-wife!”

“Ex-wife!” She screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”

“I wasn’t” he replied...

Surprise sex is the best sex to wake up to. Unless you’re in prison.

Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and BOOM! House gone.