Chapter 904

Not On Wednesdays

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

“Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday,” she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

“I can’t,” says the woman. “That’s the only night I’m home with my husband.”

Nomenclature

“Mom,” he said, “the other boys at school are using two words I don’t understand. Can you tell me what they mean?”

“Certainly,” Mom said. “What are they?”

“Pussy and bitch.” Mom inhaled sharply, but recovered quickly.

“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy.”

Craig thanked his mother and ran out the door. But something about his mother’s explanation bothered him. So he sought out his father. Dad was in the garage.

“Dad,” Craig said, “the guys at school are using words I don’t understand.”

“What words, son?” “Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don’t think she told me the right meanings.”

“Son, never ask your mother about these things. Ask me. Let me explain what they mean for you.” He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centrefold and drew a circle around the pubic area.

“Everything inside the circle is pussy,” he said.

“Okay, Dad. Then what’s a bitch?”

“Everything outside the circle.”

Private Lessons

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”

“Well, what should I do?” asks the man.

“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.”

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.”

“What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis.”

The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway ... about 15 ft.

“That was great,” the pro says with a straight face. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you’re supposed to!”